The (Sometimes) Prodigal

He was saved  in 2019; literally picked up from the roadside. Back then he was just a skinny bundle of black-n-white fur. We already had 1 cat in the house; I really didn't fancy another one. But kids will have their way, especially grown-up kids. So Pretzel came, stayed and conquered our hearts, as only pets can. 

Pretzel is so different from our "old" Maffin, whom I nicknamed Fattboy.  Maffin came to us about 9 years ago when he was just a frisky kitten, so he's about 50 (human) years old now.  He's mellowed a lot from his younger days. Now he only eats and sleeps, sleeps and eats every day, so naturally he is...fat. Anyone would be fat with that kind of life-style. My eldest says he's obese. But he's a cat, and all that fleshy belly makes for nice hugs and strokes. 

When my no. 2 left home-base for awhile to join her fiance in America, I took over the day feeding for the 2 cats.  Maffin keeps meowing outside my room door at odd times in the night, meaning he wants food, water or pats. I usually ignore him, as much as I can, because I don't want to be at the beck-n-call of a....cat. I am supposed to be the boss in the house, not the other way round. Pretzel doesn't meow as much, thank goodness, coz his voice is gratingly high-pitch. He has this cute habit of swiping 1 paw under my room door for me to play catch. By the time dawn breaks, and I open my door, both cats are hungry and would stomp downstairs to wait for me to fill their bowls. In his old age Maffin has given up fighting for food. It's greedy Pretzel instead who gobbles up his portion in double-quick time and  then puts his face into Maffin's bowl for seconds, without so much as a "please, may I have yours, since you are so slow?" Of course Pretzel is also the one who occasionally throws up his food since he doesn't care about chewing 70 times. 

I wouldn't say they are friends.  Pretzel is always picking a fight with Maffin at least once a day. I think Maffin tolerates Pretzel a lot, letting him practically steal his food under his nose and provoking him when all Maffin wants to do is lie down and sleep. That's as much peaceful co-existence as it can get in the house with  them. Maybe the fact that Pretzel is about half Maffin's age accounts for his feistiness. 

One fine day Pretzel just walked out and didn't come  home.  It beats me why he would want to give up such a good life with the humans who pamper him with so much love. In exchange for... a vagabond life, wandering on the streets outside. Why? I don't know how cats think, maybe he got bored. Maybe he wants the freedom to roam, get wild and dirty. Just like kids who can't wait to grow up and leave the confines of family homes (no matter how comfortable) to get a taste of the world outside. 

Just like the prodigal  son in the bible who demanded from his father a share of the inheritance and left home to live his own life. Only to crawl back home in repentance after all the partying, realizing ultimately that money, wine, women and song - all the freedom to do as one pleases  -  doesn't enrich ,on the contrary it impoverishes. And the father who has been waiting so long to welcome him home, runs to meet the returning son, without any condemnation, accusation or even a  whisper of "I told you so"... just pure unconditional love for one "who was dead and is now alive, who was lost and is now found." 

I don't waste time waiting for our wayward Pretzel. But I know my heavenly Father waits ever so patiently for every prodigal son and daughter of His to come home, likewise every human parent who sees their children wander off the beaten track and get lost in jungles that seem so attractive, but are just traps that ensnare. Yet who are we to deny them the choice of which road to take . After all God Himself gives us all perfect absolute freedom to choose life or death, to accept or reject His grace. So like the biblical father who watches for the return of his son, I too watch and wait in expectation that my heavenly Father will keep and not let go any of His (my) own.

Pretzel is just a cat, but he seems to know he's got folks waiting for him to return. After disappearing for many months, one early morning, he walks nonchalantly into the house out of nowhere. He's all dirty but seemingly none the worse for wear and tear. He must be getting fed elsewhere, because he's not lost weight at all. He gobbles up his food as usual, plops himself for all of 5 seconds on the floor and would you believe it, he marches straight out the gate and is gone...again. And he's been repeating this "hi-bye, now u see me, now u don't" routine till today. Well, at least now that my no 2 is back, she lures him to stay and sleepover some nights with cat-treats. But it's not for long. Sometimes I see him walking along the drain behind, and I call  him to come back, but he just ignores me. I guess it must be cat wander-lust. 

I can't help but see the parallel with us humans, who treat God like Pretzel treats us, who saved him when he was a wretch of a kitten. Ungrateful, presumptuous, and yes, lustful. God calls it (spiritual) adultery. We treat our Creator as we like, all the while running after other loves in our lives. Yet it's an old familiar story told and retold throughout the bible. Through centuries man has played games with God. Through it all, God still loved and continues to love. Such is the unfathomable love of a God who pursues His beloved creation.. Whatever we do or don't do, however we respond or not. 

Pretzel knows by instinct he will be fed, petted and cared for whenever he comes home. How sad, humans who are so much better and higher-endowed than animals, don't know or don't want to know the God who loves to the extent of coming to earth to die on the cross...for such as us, so that all can come home to Him, for good. 

"...I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued My faithfulness to you." - Jeremiah 31:3 

To All the Lonely

 It's been awhile since I last went to the movies. So when I caught sight of a trailer about a middle-aged woman who gets lost on a tour , I thought it would be nice to go catch it. I normally go see movies by myself. But this time I was so blessed my no. 2 daughter decided to accompany me. On top of that she acted as my personal shopper, not only bringing me to various outlets but paying for early Christmas presents... Now I have enough shoes to last the rest of my life.  

Ajooma (literally translated as "auntie") is a  Singapore-Korean production  which garnered 4 international nominations. The 61 year old leading lady is the first Singaporean to be nominated for best actress. She's very good as the widow who's into K-dramas who decides to venture out on her own after her one and only son backed out of their planned trip to Korea. 

The theme of loneliness comes out very strongly in the drama of her being stranded in a foreign land with an old security guard who 'rescues' her after the tourist bus accidentally leaves her behind. The Korean actor who played the young tourist guide with a messed up personal life adds some spice to what would otherwise be a film purely about a couple of elderly folks. 

There were 2 scenes which stood out most poignantly for me personally. One was when Ajooma moved outside to sleep on the couch beside her rescuer on the floor, taking out the heater from his bedroom (which he had offered to her) to share between them both. It was so touching, without a single word spoken. The other scene was the most mundane... when everyone in the tour had company of their own, but she was the only "lone ranger" wandering around by herself, helping to snap other people's photos.  Ajooma never lets on that she's lonely, but it shows when she opens up about a son who "doesn't talk much at home." It's obvious when she tells him that she needs to hang up because she's using some other person's phone, as he reveals he's not coming back to her but staying overseas with his male partner. I felt the loneliness  in the old guard too as he asks for some time alone after he buries his dead dog. But it's not just about the old. Loneliness shows up  in the young protagonist as he walks away after being prevented by an angry mother-in-law from seeing his wife and kid. 

The movie ends on an upbeat note though, drawing on the bonds these 3 people form between themselves in their  brief journey together. Ajooma dances experiencing her first snow-fall and finally catches up with her tour group to return home to live by herself, alone again naturally. But she now dares to do  her own thing and to enjoy it.  

It's very easy to relate to Ajooma  and the old guard who only has a sick dog for company. Especially for middle-aged folks whose children have either flown the family nest or have their own lives to live, even if they are still staying in the same house together. It's not that there's no love; but the reality is there are many lonely people around, even within the family circle itself. 

Like my neighbor who keeps inviting me to stay over with her, because she fears living in a big double-storey corner lot house all by herself with only the maid. Sure, she's a rich widow. Yes, she's got children who drop by every once in a while. But she's lonely. 

The other night I was out walking the streets of Chinatown in KL with my ministry team. So many folks, of all races, male and female, young and old, sitting on the  side-walks, along the LRT station passage-ways, sleeping on cardboards outside shuttered shops. I stopped to talk to an old man who was clutching a bag of goodies given out earlier by some NGO. Amazingly he stays in what is oft considered an affluent neighborhood with his spinster-sister, all the way in PJ. I ask him why he's wandering the streets at such a late hour like a homeless vagrant. He says he's lonely , and he's afraid of dying, because he watched another sister die of cancer. So he takes the public bus downtown and then back again to his house at night. I tell him no matter how lonely or how scared we humans can get, there's a God who loves us and has promised never to leave nor forsake us, who comforts us in our pain and fear. I tell him that's how I got to know Jesus 20 years ago. And that night another precious soul caught the truth that we can be alone, but we don't need to be lonely, when we receive the God who wants to keep us company, all the days of our lives. 

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” - Deuteronomy 31:8 

A Big Deal After All

I added another 365 days to my life-line. So now I am officially 26 years old, oops it's the other way round - 62. No need or reason to hide the fact really. I have never been one to make a big fuss about birthdays, mine or others. Normally it's just a family dinner somewhere out there. No grand fancy parties or big-time celebration. 

The day before I had gone over to the nearby mall to get my phone plan changed. There was apparently a special offer applicable only on the date 5/5. The young man who attended to me fiddled with his computer and nodded his head as I mentioned my plan is decades old. Yea, he commented, "It's not even available anymore, aunty." He was very efficient, in a jiffy I was signed onto a new plan at almost the same monthly charge and added benefits. I liked the package name...40. It immediately reminded me of the 40 years end of the Israelite run-around in the desert in Exodus and the cross-over into the Promised Land. That's what I declared to myself as I stepped out of the store - an end to the run-arounds in my life, and a stepping into the inheritance reserved for me as daughter of God Most High, on the eve of another birthday.  

Since I had some time on my hands I decided to treat myself to some nice ice-cream at Baskin Robbins, which I had not had for umpteen years. My eyes popped out at the price-list...9 bucks for a scoop... since when did ice-cream get so expensive? I guess I have been stuck in my home-cave too long. Yes, I do know prices have increased, but 9 bucks....gee, no thanks. I will just get a whole box of ice-cream potong next time the motorcyle guy does my neighborhood rounds. 

So I walked off to get my car. Only to realize it wasn't where I thought I had parked it. I know, I know, I should have  snap-shot the location right. That's what hand-phones with built-in cameras are for. But I didn't. With dread, I remembered how once a long time ago, I had lost my car in the maze of KLCC. Now I tried to recollect which entrance I had used after parking. But the more I thought as I rounded the car park, the more confused I became. 3 rounds later, I approached the security guard at the elevator and asked for help. He asked me to try the next level, so another 2 rounds by which time my sprained ankle which had just healed was feeling the strain somewhat. So I gave up and went back to the man, who obligingly called for a buggy-guard and simultaneously asked if I had checked the "other side" behind him. Immediately I knew that had to be the place.  Apparently I am not the exception in losing cars at mall car parks. A man (much younger than I) who saw me walking around was in the same predicament. He shrugged as he told me to pray, to which I replied I am. On his neck and wrist was a whole chunk of amulets from every religion. As the buggy took me to the spot, I felt a profound sense of the meaning of Lost and Found. Mine was just a car. Imagine how God feels every time a lost soul is found, and safely returns to Him. 

That's a lot to chew on just from a trip to the mall. This year though, I am feeling a bit pensive. I know I said birthdays are no big deal. But both my daughters have flown the family nest; no. 2 is literally on the other side of the world. My one and only son had gone off to work. I spent my birthday all alone in my big double-storey house, eating a dinner I had cooked by myself (the family one was shifted forward to Mother's Day week-end).  Even the 2 cats had no interest to keep me company; they sauntered in to be fed and then out to gallivant around the neighborhood, like the kings that they are.  The free-lance maid came and went; at least the house is nice and clean. And I am gloriously alive, after 2 close brushes with  death barely 2 months ago. So I have a lot to thank God for, and I do, really. 

Because even as I am about to descend into a pity-cave of my own, I recalled the night before a sister I really didn't know very well had treated me to a sumptuous Japanese meal. She was the one who welcomed me to teach at the home she heads for Orang Asli children; something I consider myself so blessed to do regularly. Another dearly beloved sister presented me a very delicious walnut-carrot cake in a special greeting box.... all that even before my actual birthday. Early in the morning a notification had popped up on my phone, informing me someone had posted on my fb. It was a parent I hadn't contacted since teaching his daughter some 5 years ago in my-then church kindergarten. And his was one of the families that came to know Jesus from there.  As the day wore on,  other messages came in...from people I have not kept in touch with for years. From folks who regularly without fail will wish me every year, even though that's the only message exchanged in that period (and no, there's absolutely no strings attached to their greetings). More came even from my foreign prayer partners overseas. 

I am so so touched. God was telling me through all these how much He cares for me on my birthday even if I (or other people) don't think it's a big deal. He reminds me He remembers me as the Psalmist penned in Psalm 139:16 : "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

So yes, indeed birthdays are a big deal to remember the care of God and the people who care to just say Happy Birthday. 

There Goes Another

 

So another little birdie has left the nest. This one literally flew very very far away, practically to the other side of the world. I told myself I wouldn't be a cry-baby (again), like it was with no. 1 princess more than a year ago. But the tear-ducts went into auto-gear anyway as I prayed a mama's blessing over my no. 2 princess a couple of days before she walked out of my life. Ok, ok, I know, it's not like it's forever. Sure, she will come back now and then (more like then, I am sure; as good intentions don't necessarily translate into action). Anyway for what it's worth, the emotion feels like forever. 

About two weeks earlier, I had "invited" all 3 of my very grown-up children for a home-cooked dinner and requested for a heart-to-heart talk with them. Yes, I do make appointments to see them. Weird, right. Well, I  recognize it's a totally different generation from mine. Besides just because they are my children doesn't mean I shouldn't accord them the respect due to them as adults in their own right. After all, they have got their own lives to live, choices to make,  their own time to manage, their own things to do.  

It wasn't an easy conversation, at least not for me. The last time I had this kind of talk was years ago when no 1 princess told me off for "lecturing" her about heaven and hell. I still remember her very words, "If I choose to go to hell, it's my right." I knew straight away then it was no point talking about it anymore. I am sure God Himself would agree with her view; even though He is much grieved about her stand, as I am too. But now, some 10 years down the line, I had felt the burden to speak out to all 3, for I knew in my spirit there was no more time or opportunity; I had to do it now or never. 

So as is my lawyer-style of doing things, I prepared what I wanted to say. But as usual, God intervened and had better plans...like reducing me to tears even at the start, when I told them straight off this would be the last time I would talk with them on the issue. Instead of a nice, orderly flow of eloquent words,  I sniffled my way through with some Bible verses and a simple declaration from a mother's heart - I love you all, and I don't want to lose any of you. 

No, I didn't quote from Genesis to Revelation. No, I didn't re-hash what they already knew from their younger years spent in  Sunday school/church about Jesus, the only God who saves all who choose to come to Him. I just told them the world is coming to an end, according to the Word of God, that is the Truth. And that divine judgement is a certainty. Even if people don't believe. God and Truth doesn't depend on anyone's belief.  Any Christian worth his salt doesn't need any pastor or prophet to tell him the signs written in the Bible thousands of years ago by long-ago people totally unconnected with our modern world are evident and are being manifested in this season all over the earth. Heck, you don't even need to be a Christian to know something is seriously wrong with our world. And I am not talking about climate change - that's the least of them all. 

"But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty, For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. " Sounds very much like our world, right. No, that's not my description. Those words were spoken 2000+ years ago by a man named Paul, an ex-murderer turned lover of God and people, preserved in writing for posterity to read in 2 Timothy 3:1-5. And that's not even going to the pestilences, earthquakes, famines, wars, rumors of wars and persecution already mentioned by Jesus as the "beginning of sorrows" (Matthew 24) 

No, I didn't bore my children with all that "jazz." I simply told them Jesus is coming back very soon, so please repent while there's still time. Otherwise I will lose them, for unless they do,  they will not be able to make it to where I will be, waiting for them with their father, my husband and the little brother they never knew they had. I told them their mother hasn't gone mad reading too much Bible, praying too long or doing all that "holy-moly" stuff. In fact I told them their mother is definitely no saint; quite the opposite. If only they knew what their mother had done in her pre-Christian days. Even now, after walking 20 years down the road of faith, I am far from perfect. If Paul the great apostle acknowledged himself as the worst of sinners, then I don't know where to hide my face. But by the love of God and the grace of Jesus Christ, their mother (and father) is saved to glory. To dwell in a much much better world than this one. And I want all my children to be there with us both, forever. 

I know they know I love them very much. As a mother, my only desire is for them to experience the breadth, length, height and depth of the love of a God who is Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows, a love that surpasses all human love and knowledge. 

I don't know what my children thought of our tete-a-tete. That was it. Short, definitely not sweet, and definitely not a normal family conversation. But these are not normal times we live in. We are never going back to the good, old, normal days of life. Covid is but the starting point, and if even that we can't take, what more the worse that's to come. When all humans will have to stand to account for his life before a holy, righteous God, Judge of the living and the dead. A depressing future indeed, unless we choose to call upon Jesus, the name that's above every other name, the only name under heaven given to men by which we can be saved. The One who has declared that He has plans to prosper, not to harm, to give us a future and a hope, that's grounded on who He is, not on what humans can do (and will keep on trying to do.)

There was a lump in my throat as I hugged my no.2 goodbye at 4 am in the morning today. I couldn't sleep after that. I went into her room, sat awhile on her bed. Peered into the half-empty cupboards that used to overflow with her clothes. Poked in her bathroom a bit. The house seems too big now for my son and I. Who knows when that last little birdie will fly out the door too one of these days. I wipe away the tears that have started to fall again, and tell myself I better get used to talking to our 2 cats now. 

 

 

HERE TODAY GONE TOMORROW

 

 I almost died two times within this one month. No, I am not being a drama-queen. It’s only now that I am processing the seriousness of it all. And no,  I am not afraid of dying. Death is a given anyway for all humans; as the Bible says in Hebrews 9:27,  it is appointed for man to die once and after that comes judgment. I learnt long ago I don’t need to fear either death or judgement because my God has saved me from judgement and granted me eternal life by His grace and mercy. But those two occasions did cause me to ponder on the frailty of human life on earth… 

I recall lying flat-out on the cold hard cement that morning, with a badly-twisted ankle. The pain was excruciating and fleetingly I wandered what if nobody found me. The stairs where I had fallen had some 15 steps and if I had tumbled right down to the bottom, there was no doubt I would have ended up with a broken back, head or simply died there.  There was no one around at that time, as it was still early. The playground was my regular haunt for morning exercise. As I stared up at the sky, a silent prayer went up from my heart – Thank You Jesus, for sending angels to break my fall. After what seemed a very long time, I managed to get up. As I hobbled on my good leg, a thin black grass snake writhed its way across my path. I was laid up for about 3 weeks with a swollen left foot. 

The very next day, I received tragic news that a pastor had passed away suddenly in a most horrible accident. An oncoming vehicle from the opposite direction had smashed head-on into his. He had just dropped off his wife and 2 year old daughter in their kampong. He died on the spot. I didn’t know him very well. But I remembered him as most accommodating when I had approached him to lead worship at a national level prayer-meeting via Zoom last year. He had a thriving active ministry in the villages together with the rest of his family.  My heart ached for them all. 

Much as the Christian in me accepts the inevitability of death, questions linger as to why it had to happen like this. I dare say if we could, we all want to “die easy” like just sleep and never wake up one day. We don’t relish the thought of suffering sickness for years, or die in violent circumstances that hit our loved ones like a ton of bricks. I am sure all Christians, at one time or another, have wondered is God not able to prevent accidents if as my Bible tells me, He can raise the dead, heal the sick, cast out demons? Deep inside  I know and believe He is more than able. I guess it’s a natural human reaction that finds it most difficult to accept bad things do happen, all the time, although God is still and always good….  

As He reminded me, a day after the Pastor’s funeral. I was scheduled to preach at a children’s home-service. Most of them knew the Pastor. As the children sang the old familiar song “Saya mahu cinta Yesus selama-lamanya,” I was taken up to heaven in a vision. I sensed angels all around; the whole of heaven was silent,  listening to the children’s off-beat voices. There was Abba Father God sitting on His throne. And just beside was this Pastor, playing his guitar and singing the same song. It was God’s way of telling me those of us who know Jesus will be singing that song, whether on earth or in heaven, forever. Death cannot take away our life in Christ. I cried, sharing the vision with those present. Yes, Pastor was “gone,” but we know we will meet him again when our turn comes. What a glorious confirmation of the hope that every Christian can find comfort in - a good ending for us who have believed, which death can never ever steal nor destroy. 

A week later after my leg had healed somewhat, I drove my son’s car to the wet market nearby. As I was driving back along the main road, I spotted this huge vehicle speeding out from a side lane on my right. I couldn’t even brake as it crashed into my side. Amidst the crunch of metal kissing metal, I realized if I had just been a few seconds early, the monster (well, that’s what it was compared to my little old junk ) would have slammed right into me instead of hitting the front lamp portion of my car.  I didn’t thank my lucky stars. Stars are just stars, and my life isn’t preserved by luck. At that moment, I knew I am alive purely because my God says it’s not time for me to go home to Him, yet. 

We moved our vehicles to the side, so as to clear the jam that was building up at the junction. As I got out to survey the damage, the other driver was insisting very loudly his was a straight road, and questioning why I didn’t stop for him to pass. Amazing, how loud people defend themselves when they are wrong. I wasn’t interested in arguing the obvious. I was still thanking Jesus for once again sending angels to divert the point of impact away from me. I was praying hard the tyre would hold up as I drove back home. It was very wobbly and there was a weird noise emanating from the engine. But I made it back in 1 piece. Both car and driver survived. 

As I look back over the events of just this 1 month in my life, I realize truly we could be alive and well today and yet be gone in just the blinking of an eye tomorrow. Whether it’s through covid, accident, cancer, floods, landslide, war or whatever that can kill, the truth is all life is held in the palm of an Almighty God, the One who creates, sustains and preserves all according to His good purpose. Life has become very simple for me. If it’s not time to “go home” to my Maker, nothing whatsoever can kill me. But if my time on earth is up, nothing can prevent my “balik kampong.”  Actually I would be more than happy to leave this messy earth, since I know where I am going is so much more beautiful, and I will meet my beloved husband who’s been there for the past 20 years already. But the call isn’t mine or anyone else’s to make. Only my Creator has the right to make that call. 

How true the Bible puts it in James 4:14…What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  That’s putting earthly life into perspective. None of us can control how long the mist lasts.  Yet, no matter how many or how few the days of my life, at the end of it all, may I be like the mist that spreads its moisture to water the land for as long as it does last.