Ground Zero

It hit me hard; I didn't see it coming at all. I thought I could just walk off with no damage, beyond shedding a few sentimental tears. After all, I had already prepped myself up since 2 years ago for the day I would quit. At that time I had decided to leave the job on my own accord, but to my chagrin, I was thoroughly rebuked by my Big Boss in heaven with a pointed question, "Who asked you to leave? I am giving you one more year of grace." Well, when He talks, I better listen, if I know what's good for me. Come 2018, I could go, according to His time. The only problem was I didn't expect it to end like this.

It's often said the deepest hurts are caused by people who are closest to us. Actually that truism isn't confined to just  family members, but extends into a wider circle of friends, colleagues, bosses, even strangers. Who hasn't been hurt before anyway; by the same token, who amongst us dare say we have never ever hurt others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Which just goes to show, we are all the same, no matter what our skin color, religion, status, gender or age. I have seen with my own eyes kids as young as 4 years old mocking friends who can't sing the alphabet song or color inside the line. And let's not get started about the horrible words people throw at each other behind the anonymity of social media. Some say it's only words, but to me, it's verbal murder; it reveals a heart that doesn't care about others.  My daughter shrugs it off as freedom of expression. I can't, not because I can't be 'thick-skin' but because I do not think freedom extends to abuse; physical or otherwise. And I just happen to think everyone can disagree without being rude or hostile.

Hurts are very real. And painful. Emotional wounds are literally a stab in the heart. It can get so bad it drives some to suicide. Others build a wall of denial so thick they don't even know, nor will they ever admit, they are in denial. Me, I curl up inside of me and cry. And cry, and cry. I take comfort in God's word that "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" (Psalm 56:8,) Many times, especially when I feel all battered up inside, I wondered how many bottles of my tears God has in His hand. I don't know how big His bottles are, but I imagine it's bottomless, like His love. And I am consoled; like a crying baby finally pipes down when embraced by loving hands.

Sometimes though, the tears keep coming, afresh; when the hurt is especially bad. Like when I see my children ignoring/abandoning  the God who promised that He is Father to the fatherless (them) , defender of widows (me); but since it's their choice,  there's nothing I can do about it, except cry and pray. Like when people I assumed would do the right thing turn around and do the exact opposite. Like when you get to hear the gossip that goes on behind your back. Like when all that you ever held dear seemingly gets pulled out from under your feet.

So there I was, stunned by the speed of it all. One after another - job, ministry, cell, church - everything that had kept me actively engaged for these past 16 years of life got swept away under a flood of tears. It no longer matters how it happened or the circumstances that led to it. I thought I was just reacting out of emotions, but when I asked God, He answered, not with one, but many confirmations that indeed it is His will that all this should happen. Still not satisfied, when I asked for a final word, He sent someone who didn't know anything about my actual situation, to tell me I can't move on without letting go.

Immediately the peace swept through my heart; and I understood I was being stripped of everything I had depended on or boasted in, so that now I would have nobody and nothing else left except Him. I was becoming zero so He could become 100% in my life. Christians call it dying to self, so that Jesus becomes our all in all. Just like Jesus Himself had to die on the cross, so that the whole earth would be filled with the knowledge of the glory of God. If Jesus didn't die, there would have been no resurrection; if there was no resurrection, there would be no salvation for the world. We would all be dead, literally, physically, spiritually, in every sense of the word. Jesus had to let go of His life to save us from all that death would rob us of.

So too,  if I desired to move into another higher level in Him,  I had to let go of the old things holding me down, even  good things, even if it's a painful process. Because only God has the best plan for my life, something which I could never ever think up , no matter how smart or talented I think I am . I am learning hurt has gold buried somewhere inside it. There are always 2 reactions that hurt draws forth. It can either drive us towards or away from God. It's the ancient paradox of faith, that requires humans to choose to believe that in spite of bad things happening, God is always good. That God doesn't always prevent us from experiencing pain, suffering or evil. Those who expect God to justify Himself,  to answer the hard questions of life, will inevitably be disappointed and turn away to worship something/someone else, like the world or ourselves. 

Anyone who says Christianity is an easy way is either a liar or has yet to experience its true depth. How can it be easy to believe, trust and obey,  when it goes against our own desires, even when circumstances and logic dictate we should just give up on something as nebulous as God? How easy can it be to submit your will to another? In today's world, submission is a dirty word. It conjures up images of slaves driven by whips or robots with no will, programmed automatically to obey a command when a button is pushed.  But that's not how submission works with God. Someone put it so well that Christians choose to submit not as slaves, but as lovers of God, who appreciate that the One who first loved us enough to die for us would always have our best interests in His heart.  Still as much as I know that truth, it's easier said than done.  I can understand the doubts, I have had my  share of them.

But the good news is He doesn't reject me in spite of my weaknesses and lack of faith. Time and again, He proves His faithfulness; He comes through for me, if I only am willing to accept Him on His terms and stand on nothing more than His Word.  So whilst tears may blur my vision, and swords pierce my heart, I remember He is my Healer, Restorer, Deliverer, Redeemer, Savior, Lover and Beloved of my soul. And He is more than enough for me; He will pick me up and build me up from ground zero.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" Isaiah 43:19