Ah blessed holidays... but how fast they fly... 1 week and its down to last few days already... it'll be back to school next week... and another 3 months of teaching. Tho i resumed full-time teaching a class in July, it still feels 'new'; thank God its turned out so far so good, despite some initial hiccups taking over from a teacher who resigned mid-term. There was some "noise" over my taking 1 week off for India missions, but the more serious concern over the H1N1 threat overshadowed everything else, as worried parents kept their kids at home. My class closed for a week directly the day after i came back from India , not becoz there were any cases amongst our kids, but becoz of kids' siblings who caught the virus from some other schools. I thot i would be given extra 1 week off, but no way... ha ha, boss said the class can close, but me teacher must come, since i wasn't even in M'sia for past duration! And then some of the teachers 'kena' quarantine, becoz of their own kids getting infected, so attendance has been yo-yo-ing... so its a good thing the hols started...
I caught up on my reading, prepared for upcoming preaching assignments and finally used up my bday gift certificate (given by the kids 6 months ago!) at the spa. (very relaxing experience it was, coming complete with scrub, jacuzzi and 1 full hr massage with infra-red heat all; i was suitably impressed enuf to buy up another voucher, thinking to use it for someone's bday) But what i really valued was the luxury of spending unhurried time with God, esp in the mornings. No need to keep an eye on the clock, no hurrying thru prayers, unlimited time for just worshipping and being still before Him... getting to know Him and myself more.
After 8 years of walking with my Shepherd, I hv come to recognize how He just will not leave me stagnant in self-satisfied complacency.. every now and then it seems as if He deliberately shakes the boat of my life and forces me to re-examine who I am and where I am in His eyes. And i come away humbled, as i see that there are still many areas in my heart that need to be 100% surrendered.
How easily it is to be self-deceived; i honestly thot i had surrendered all to Him. Its easy to think that when we seem to be doing all the right things; going to church, reading Bible, doing good works, praying... all the things a Christian should do. And then wham, i realise in spite of my professions of trust in God, i am still hanging onto certain things closest to my heart - kids and money. Indeed ask any parent, and those 2 areas are bound to be the strings that tug the hardest at us.
I pray for my children all the time , but lately it seems my prayer is out of desperation, not faith. Daily to God I moan that they dont seem to experience the reality of Christ in their lives, i deplore the way they let the world influence them in their thinking and attitudes , i despair as i hear them confess the same sins at family devotion time over and over again, i cry over how they enter into questionable relationships, make unwise decisions... i enlist the help of prayer partners to pray with me , for me, that God grant me the wisdom to handle them. And then it struck me when a sister reminded me gently that God knows best, that i really have not let God take charge after all . If i have, why do i get so worked up that at times i can't sleep tho i hv prayed committing difficult issues over them to the Lord?
And i dare claim smugly that everything i have i hv given over to Him. But again that's not true. By the time i finished reading a book on Freedom of Simplicity, i realised i was merely paying God lip-service, becoz if i really cared about how billions of people in the world are literally dying both physically and spiritually, i wouldn't be hoarding a financial contingent 'safety nest', beyond the basic resources that God has already blessed me with. I justify it as provision for 'the kids' - which parent after all doesn't want their children to have the best possible head-start to a 'good' life , so i skimp and i save to give them an inheritance .... but that again shows just how little i trust that God will bless and provide beyond the necessities for them.
Ahh, how true it is that the human heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure, so says the Word of God. And as i recognize this truth, i stand convicted and repentant before a God who knows me more than i know myself... as my heart lies exposed before Him , once again I fall at His feet to ask for grace and mercy, clinging onto His promise that as i confess my sins, He is just and faithful to forgive and cleanse me of all unrighteousness.
Moving beyond that, i know what should be done must be done - and that is really to mean what i pray - that i let go of my kids, my money and put them all on His altar, becoz actually they are 100% His; they are just 'on loan' to me for a season of time. I am just a steward of these blessings; and I better let the real Boss take charge, coz He really does know best...
Search me O God and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts,
See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.. Psalm 139:23-24
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