Letting Go

Ah blessed holidays... but how fast they fly... 1 week and its down to last few days already... it'll be back to school next week... and another 3 months of teaching. Tho i resumed full-time teaching a class in July, it still feels 'new'; thank God its turned out so far so good, despite some initial hiccups taking over from a teacher who resigned mid-term. There was some "noise" over my taking 1 week off for India missions, but the more serious concern over the H1N1 threat overshadowed everything else, as worried parents kept their kids at home. My class closed for a week directly the day after i came back from India , not becoz there were any cases amongst our kids, but becoz of kids' siblings who caught the virus from some other schools. I thot i would be given extra 1 week off, but no way... ha ha, boss said the class can close, but me teacher must come, since i wasn't even in M'sia for past duration! And then some of the teachers 'kena' quarantine, becoz of their own kids getting infected, so attendance has been yo-yo-ing... so its a good thing the hols started...
I caught up on my reading, prepared for upcoming preaching assignments and finally used up my bday gift certificate (given by the kids 6 months ago!) at the spa. (very relaxing experience it was, coming complete with scrub, jacuzzi and 1 full hr massage with infra-red heat all; i was suitably impressed enuf to buy up another voucher, thinking to use it for someone's bday) But what i really valued was the luxury of spending unhurried time with God, esp in the mornings. No need to keep an eye on the clock, no hurrying thru prayers, unlimited time for just worshipping and being still before Him... getting to know Him and myself more.
After 8 years of walking with my Shepherd, I hv come to recognize how He just will not leave me stagnant in self-satisfied complacency.. every now and then it seems as if He deliberately shakes the boat of my life and forces me to re-examine who I am and where I am in His eyes. And i come away humbled, as i see that there are still many areas in my heart that need to be 100% surrendered.
How easily it is to be self-deceived; i honestly thot i had surrendered all to Him. Its easy to think that when we seem to be doing all the right things; going to church, reading Bible, doing good works, praying... all the things a Christian should do. And then wham, i realise in spite of my professions of trust in God, i am still hanging onto certain things closest to my heart - kids and money. Indeed ask any parent, and those 2 areas are bound to be the strings that tug the hardest at us.

I pray for my children all the time , but lately it seems my prayer is out of desperation, not faith. Daily to God I moan that they dont seem to experience the reality of Christ in their lives, i deplore the way they let the world influence them in their thinking and attitudes , i despair as i hear them confess the same sins at family devotion time over and over again, i cry over how they enter into questionable relationships, make unwise decisions... i enlist the help of prayer partners to pray with me , for me, that God grant me the wisdom to handle them. And then it struck me when a sister reminded me gently that God knows best, that i really have not let God take charge after all . If i have, why do i get so worked up that at times i can't sleep tho i hv prayed committing difficult issues over them to the Lord?

And i dare claim smugly that everything i have i hv given over to Him. But again that's not true. By the time i finished reading a book on Freedom of Simplicity, i realised i was merely paying God lip-service, becoz if i really cared about how billions of people in the world are literally dying both physically and spiritually, i wouldn't be hoarding a financial contingent 'safety nest', beyond the basic resources that God has already blessed me with. I justify it as provision for 'the kids' - which parent after all doesn't want their children to have the best possible head-start to a 'good' life , so i skimp and i save to give them an inheritance .... but that again shows just how little i trust that God will bless and provide beyond the necessities for them.
Ahh, how true it is that the human heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure, so says the Word of God. And as i recognize this truth, i stand convicted and repentant before a God who knows me more than i know myself... as my heart lies exposed before Him , once again I fall at His feet to ask for grace and mercy, clinging onto His promise that as i confess my sins, He is just and faithful to forgive and cleanse me of all unrighteousness.
Moving beyond that, i know what should be done must be done - and that is really to mean what i pray - that i let go of my kids, my money and put them all on His altar, becoz actually they are 100% His; they are just 'on loan' to me for a season of time. I am just a steward of these blessings; and I better let the real Boss take charge, coz He really does know best...

Search me O God and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts,
See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.. Psalm 139:23-24

The Mystery of Prayer

I am digesting one of my fave authors Philip Yancey's book on Prayer- Does it make any difference?? .... its i call an 'honest' book; ie it dares to ask questions and doesn't pretend to give perfect, fairy tale answers... just like my all-time fave book - the Bible. Many smart people have questioned why there are inconsistencies in the Bible, if it's supposedly God's word. I hv myself asked the same questions (tho i don't consider myself in the smart category , but i aint exactly dumb either). But i hv come to a point where i m convinced Truth is truth; the existence of Truth doesn't depend on our belief . As someone argued; an atheist actually needs to exercise greater faith to believe in the non-existence of God, than a theist who by faith believes there is a God. Our finite mind thinks something is inconsistent if it doesn't add up the way to the way we expect things to add up, like we expect 2 + 2 = 4. But God doesn't exist as an equation to be added up and made sense of. He puts it quite simply "My ways are higher than your ways, my thoughts are higher than your thoughts". He's revealed enuf to enable us to believe and to be saved - He sent Jesus into our world. What else He doesn't choose to reveal or explain is His prerogative as God.

But i digress... i was meaning to talk about prayer, becoz i could relate to Yancey's frank discourses on the subject. He asked questions i hv often asked myself. Why pray? What good does prayer do, when we all know some prayers don't seem to get any answers? Can we change God's mind through prayer, if we can, then wldn't that make God 'wishy-washy'?? What if someone prays for rain in 1 area, and another prays dont rain for the same area, how is God gonna answer?? Someone wisely replied, God will answer His way lah, ie effectively 1 person gets a yes, the other gets a no answer!! Is that how prayer works/don't work?

Everyone who professes some religion prays. As a kid, i was taught to pray by my parents... we went to temples, we had a lot of altars in the house..i can still see the walls smoked black by all the joss-sticks she lighted up twice daily. When i married ,my husband and i continued to pray to the family idols. When he was diagnosed of cancer, i prayed like crazy... any god, all gods, no matter... and then the miracle happened - Jesus captured me, my husband and my kids, and so the focus of my prayers changed. Not only that, i notice, even the content of my prayers changed, ever so subtly... my prayer-time used to simply a whole list of things I wanted God to do for me and mine,and oh, of coz i add the obligatory Thank You, God at the beginning and the end. This took like... 5/10 mins at most. That was my prayer life. And then i went to India..... and saw people PRAY...

Not short little prayers... these folks hold 2 hr prayer sessions, some starting as early as 5/6 am. (and that's not even counting attending church service which takes up at least another 2 hours)Plus these folks are not very 'polite' pray-ers... they make so much 'noise'- its like a whole babble of voices rising up to heaven. Not to mention they got very strong knees.... they can kneel on a thin mat covering cement floor very long (for me, anything above 5 mins on my knees is long, ok). So, after India, i took a serious look at my own very limited prayer-life then. I started reading books on prayer; without any exception, i found that every Christian saint worth his salt spent hours in prayer. I guess i shldn't be surprised by this, after all, that's exactly what Jesus taught and modelled in His days on earth. And there is no excuse of no time. Like the rest of us humans, Jesus had 24 hrs a day, He worked full-time (even over-time) , yet prayer was a non-negotiable with Him. So what excuse do we have? I especially have none, since i hv been so blessed with a job that gives me the luxury of free afternoons. Conviction started me on the road to discovering prayer....

8 yrs down the line, i m still discovering new facets about this journey called prayer...expanding from self/family to relatives to frens to strangers, from things to life issues, from people to nations, from 5 mins to 30, to 60 and beyond.. it's like a drop of ink on blotting paper; the prayers just kept on spreading... and i found, hey, there is no lack of stuff to pray for; if we only cared enuf to look around our broken and messed-up world. Truly God Himself puts burdens upon our hearts to pray for.. At one stage tho, i got stumped becoz i ran out of words to pray; but thanks be to God who already provided for this lack - He assures us His Spirit helps us pray with groanings and moanings which He alone understands. Becoz ultimately prayer is birthed in the Spirit, and the spirit doesn't need expression in human language, we need never be stumped over words. At times, its just silence when I come before the Lord in prayer ;those are truly very precious times of refreshing, of simply 'waiting upon the Lord', spirit-to-spirit. Other times i sing my prayers out with a joyful heart, remembering His goodness to me. And many times, its only tears that come out of my eyes instead.

Even tho i may get no answer for a long time, or at all, even tho the answer may not be what i prayed for.. i keep praying anyway, becoz that's what God tells me to do; and that's what Jesus did ....for i hv discovered its not about God answering my prayers really; of coz I want Him to. But i've come to realise praying changes me instead, esp when i dont get what i want the way i want it when i want it . Its the No, Later-not now answers that God deals me , that teaches me so much more than the blessings He does give , such that i finally understand His will is all wise, all knowing, all perfect, and I can trust that He will give me what i need, all that i need, over and beyond anything i could ever ask for.

For no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart can conceive what God hath prepared for those who love Him... Isa 64:4

The Wonder of Worship

Something happens to my soul when I worship. Bible says when we draw nigh unto God, He draws nigh unto us... what an awesome wonder that is.. that the Almighty God of the universe, my Creator, would deign to draw me into His presence...that the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the One who stretched out the heavens, laid the foundations of the earth, put every star into place, calms the winds and the waves... knows me by name and lifts me up into His throne-room in the heavenly realms, to sit at His feet and gaze upon the beauty of His holiness.

Such that as the song goes, when i turn my eyes upon Jesus,and look full into His wonderful face, when i turn my heart unto Jesus and worship His glorious name, the things of the earth grow strangely dim...Such is the wonder of worship that goes beyond language,words or tune...

India taught me 2 things - how to worship and how to pray. The first time i set foot in a church service in a small church in an Indian village 8 years ago, i was floored by their worship, even tho i didn't understand a word or know any of the tunes or the songs they sang. Becoz they didn't just sing, they worshippped... gloriously, unreservedly, totally,.. and watching the people before me raising their hands and voices high, a miracle happened inside me ... i knew w/out a doubt i stood in the very presence of a holy God. It wasn't an emo high, it was just a 'knowing' in mind and heart; so overwhelming that the tears simply flowed.... and I hv never been quite the same since then...

I came back to M'sia with a hunger for worship beyond singing pretty songs; that was 8 yrs ago; now i m even more hungry; its like tasting my fave char koay teow - starts with a wee mouthful that simply whets the appetite for a full plate. Best part is unlike fleshly pleasures, the law of diminishing returns doesn't apply to worship... the more i worship, the more i want to worship, until i am all lost in God. He has taken me from English to Chinese and Malay worship, each move drawing me deeper, closer than before into His presence; that truly its no longer about me or anyone else in the service... its totally all about Jesus; my Lord, my God, my Master, Savior, Lover and Beloved of my soul. The more i hunger, the more God feeds me; He Himself puts new songs into my heart that do not even need words anymore. The highest praise I hv received is not that i can preach power sermons or write well or is so active in ministry or watever, but that i am a worshipper of the one true God.
Does God need my worship? I dont tink so. He is God, He doesn't need a human that He created to tell Him how glorious, fantastic, awesome, holy He is... on the contrary, i am the one who is so so blessed when i worship Him for who He is, all that He is..glorious, fantastic, awesome, holy .... oh, the wonder of worship!

"Give unto the LORD the glory due unto his name; worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness "... Psalm 29:2

India Again

 
 
 
 

Yes, its India again, after the last trip in March,i almost didn't get to make it this time, coz i hv just taken over a 6 years old class upon resignation of a teacher. But God is good; boss said ok, so i was freed to go again to this land that's always on my heart and in my prayers... 10 days doing God's business there...
This time involved a lot of travelling ... my old bones got jolted hard on loooong trips, 5/6 hrs at a stretch over hundreds of kilometers of roads.. the 11 of us had split into 3 teams, ministering in old and new territories. The first two days was spent in the hot hot hot south....trying to sleep in enclosed quarters was like steaming in a sauna. Besides nitely preaching at open-air rallies, we put in some time at a drug rehab centre and a home for old folks and unmarried single mothers; my heart was pierced to the core by the sight of babies and kids of these abandoned young females rejected by family and society. In the face of such hopelessness, I can only bring them a message of the God of hope who loves them even if no one else does...

Moving up to Bangalore,the weather thankfully improved a lot, as it is some 3,000 ft above sea level, thus accounting for refreshing cool breezes thru out the day. It was my first in this large mod and relatively clean city; even the slums were quite decent compared to the one i saw in Mumbai. I was assigned last minute to preach to a class of young bible school students... wondering wat on earth to say to a bunch of people who knew much more than me about theology, doctrine and all that stuff.. but God showed me that its not what i know that matters ; its wat He puts in my mouth that can move even the most seasoned student to tears ..i simply shared with them the vision i had gotten in one of the earlier church services i had preached at,of a bloody cross over India.. the message was clear that God was calling forth His people in India to sacrifice as Jesus sacrificed and died for India. It was a sobering message, but one which assured victory for the blood of Christ is the good news of salvation to all. As the pastor told me later, it was a most appropriate message, in the face of growing persecution of the church in many parts of the nation..

Another day of travelling after leaving Bangalore for a small town in Dharmapuri really taxed the body. On the lighter side, we had time to spare for a short (if you call 2 hrs short) trip to the famous Hogenakkal waterfalls outside the town. It was quite an experience, not just admiring the vast expanse of falling waters, but also ogling the male species who were publicly being massaged with shiny oil all over the place. The oil massages are apparently available for ladies as well, which obviously, none of us were keen to try!!

Workwise, we had to contend with rain at the nite rallies. During 1 session, the small crowd squeezed into an empty lorry parked near the rally grounds; as the rain drizzled on, the men ingenously rigged up a make-shift tent with a plastic sheet stretched over 4 poles, and everyone simply gathered under it ; even in the rain, there were people with open ears and open hearts... But the session that really amazed me was when some of the people who came forward to receive Jesus,after hearing the Word of God preached, simply started crying... and i knew, indeed, i could feel, the very presence of God's Holy Spirit in our midst... it was totally awesome,i myself ended up in tears as i prayed over them. Some would be quick to dismiss it as mass hysteria, or emotional hype, but i know it is not. The team had prayed daily for God to move, and in that rally, He had answered in a very real, tangible and mighty way.... i m so so blessed to be at the receiving end...

This is the 2nd time i hv seen people - non Christians - reduced to tears, for no apparent reason. The first had happened just last month, when i was ministering at the KL street-feeding one Sat. We had spent some 20 minutes just worshiping God with songs of praise, when a young man, who had been enthusiastically dancing away at the beginning, suddenly sat down and started weeping; and to my own surprise (and i would add,embarassment) ,i found myself crying along in full public view , tho we had not exchanged 1 word even...
i knew then the overwhelming touch of God on the human heart is very very real, i understood then what i had only been reading about in books that detailed how people can just come running out of pubs in England or supermarts in America,leaving everything undone, and heading for churches where services were being held, to fall down on their knees at the altar and cry out to God. I had wondered, did it really happen that way? And can it happen in these days? I hv prayed ever so desperately God, won't You move once again to touch hurting hearts in our world today... Well, God answered me very definitely... Yes, it did,yes, it can, and yes, He will..again. Praise God He does not give up on humankind, tho many choose to give up on Him..for such is His promise...
"Through the Lord's mercies, we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not, they are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness... The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.." Lam. 3:22-25

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