How do you see 2009??

Well, Dec 25th has come and gone, now everyone's counting down to Dec 31st 2008. Its with a mix of dismay and excitement that i realise school's gonna start in 6 days' time!! Dismay coz aiyah, no more sleeping beyond 5 am anymore; now hv to build back the discipline of early morning routines... excitement becoz hey, my boss is still my boss, and God's shown me such a challenging vision for the year ahead for the school.. my kids couldn't understand why on earth i would hesitate to be promoted to Principal of Mighty Kids, ha ha, guess that's the initial reaction of most. When my boss first sounded to me about 4 months ago the possibility that she may move on to other things in her life, i quite dreaded her suggestion that i shld take over. Not that i m not ready; and i know i can do the job; so its not a question of ability or readiness. As always its a question of heart - do i want to? And honestly i had to tell God, Lord, i dont want to lead,i just want to follow. Just as my boss candidly admits she feels she's so comfortably settled into a 'rut'; we call it comfort zone... so likewise i confess i m also reluctant to assume new tings, becoz my 'rut' is so comfy!After all, i've been with her from the time the kindy was set up 8 yrs ago, and praise God for His favor on the school that we hv come to a stage where growth has steadied throughout these years. Yet i didn't wanna be disobedient, if really God wants to move me up to other things, well, who am i to say no?? So i simply left it to God,and told Him, if He wanted to promote me, He would hv to give me the passion to head the school; well, He didn't burn my heart, but He did burn my eyes with vision instead of better things are coming, i know... coz i saw 2009 as a year of spiritual liberation - its Mighty Kids 7th year of operation, and biblically, 7 is freedom! How exciting.. I know this is the year we need to start using those wonderful fabulous wings God hs already given us to fly for Him! For those who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall fly on wings of eagles; they shall run and not be weary, walk and not faint... Wat a promise!

So, despite all the gloom and the doom-sayers of 2009,yes, i m excited. The whole world has been bombarded with how things are just gonna get worse and worse in the coming year. There is such a burden of heaviness in the air, despite all the surface festivities of Christmas and New Year; i tink they call it 'window-dressing'. But the outlook is being trumpeted daily in the news reports of lay-offs, no/less bonus, frozen salaries..and that's just the economics; wars and unrest are still being fought all over the world; just look at the mess our neighbour Thailand is in, and we still read about humans killing humans in Palestine. So you ask me wat's there to look forward to in 2009 except more bad news? I guess if i look with human eyes, there really is nothing beautiful on the horizon. But if i look with the spiritual eyes of the heart, with a confidence that the God who created all things good (and that includes man) in the beginning, the God who knows everyone by name (tho some dont even want to know His name), the God with whom ALL things are possible, the God who says I AM the same, yesterday, today and forever... if i focus on that God who is King of kings and Lord of lords, then i see different things... i see that in the midst of bad, evil and suffering, God can turn it all around in His own time, in His own way to make it good. Dont ask me how or when, its enuf for me that He can becoz He says so, and God never lies. (only man do that) He came to dispel all darkness, by virtue that He is the light of the world. So why shld i wallow in fear and worry abt this, that and the other ting hitting me? Ok, if bad times are coming, so be it, my God is still good!Watever times it may be....
I will lift up my eyes to the hills - from whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, who made the heaven and earth... Psalm 121:1-2 .. for God promised:
When you pass thru the waters, I will be with you, and thru the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk thru the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you... for I am the Lord, your God... Isaiah 43:2

Celebrating Christmas at Home 08

Well, Dec 25th has come and gone again (and Dec 31st 2008 is already counting down..4,3,2,1 day away) . As a Christian, i bemoan the crass commercialisation of this most holy and blessed event, reducing it to nothing but ubiquitous displays of Christmas trees and blaring of sacred hymns in every shopping mall, with strutting Santa Clauses and SantaRinas...i only ventured into but 2 shopping malls this year, and that was just for presents and groceries and i almost didn't even want to put up the Christmas tree in the house; not that i have anything agst such a beautiful tree, but its just that its got absolutely nothing to do with the birth of the Savior of the world !! Buuutt... well, the kids raised a fuss and as my smartie eldest princess said, if i wanna do away with paganistic rituals, i might as well dont even celebrate Dec 25th as Christmas, since it wasn't even Jesus' real birthday, but just a handy date picked by the Roman Emperor Constantine for purely political reasons! Well, she's right, and the house does look kind-of incomplete w/out the tree; so out it comes for yet another year....and i guess it does look kind of pretty, esp with the lights twinkling and all, even tho truth to say, our tree is not the 'normal' orderly decorated in 1 theme kind that's common to most. I like mine 'hotch-potch' which means everything jumbled up everywhere, so every year it's a different look, altho the ornaments remain pretty much the same...
To me, just like that tree, Christmas is always the same, and yet always different - fresh and new as each day that is given of the Lord. Just like God is always and forever God , but each day should bring a new living reality of God in our lives. So i go to church/work every day, i do lots of things the same everyday, but i wanna look for that newness of life that makes mundane things meaningful. Truth is as i discovered, its not anything i or anyone can do that gives purpose to this life on earth. Its not making more money, its not fighting for a noble cause,(tho that is worthy of itself), its not doing good and avoiding evil, its not dreaming big visions (tho that can be a motivation), meaning and purpose in life has already been given to all, as expressed " The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever "...but in the finiteness of our flesh, we only want to 'live well'= a happy trouble free existence on earth. How sad it is when God has prepared so much for us and we are content with so little. As one writer puts it, we humans are so easily placated; we are like little kids content to make and play with little mud-pies in the sand, when the Creator of the universe tells us to look up and see the glories reserved for those who would take their eyes off the mud !!
I want to enjoy God forever becoz that goes beyond enjoying life on this earth. And each Christmas i m reminded once again how God has made that enjoyment possible - now on earth, this very moment - by coming to earth 2008 years ago, in the form of flesh... that we might behold Him, full of grace and glory..
Christmas reminds me how blessed we are that God has done all that needs to be done for us to enjoy Him forever... if only we would come to Him, who came to us and loved us first. My heart was bursting as i sat in church Christmas morning with the kids beside and behind me, singing those old sweet hymns which praise so aptly of the Savior born unto the world, that whomsoever believes in Him shall never perish but have eternal life. All other earthly pursuits pale into nothingness in comparison to this one purpose of the Divine - that He came to seek us, His creation, who were lost and to reconcile us back to Him, thru that little baby born in a manger in Bethlehem at Christmas...

So, tho we end up doing the same things this year like last year...my no. 1 princess turned chef for the day and we 'servants' sweated it out in the kitchen to produce a labor of love for the dinner table.. a quiet time with family gathered around, and of coz the mandatory opening of presents,yet for me, this is the ever new wonder of Christmas ...
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders; And He will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.. Isaiah 9:6

Celebrating Christmas in Cell Fellowship....

And so the parties continue... the same nite after the street-feeding, my cell held a gathering for invited guests of the members. Looking back at the fotos, i rmbr how it was 8 yrs ago that this cell first became part of my Christian life..
at that time, they were complete strangers , yet they so readily opened their hearts to me at the time of my deepest grief,as i was trying to come to terms with the loss of a dearly-loved husband... i rmbr how one of them approached me in the midst of all the people trooping in and out of the house to pay their condolences - i was too 'pooped' to even cry, and she asked if she could get me groceries - and she returned with bags of stuff later, for which she refused to be reimbursed...
i rmbr how my very own boss, the headmistress of the church kindergarten i had just joined some 5 months ago insisted, despite my protestations, to stay over with me, and in the middle of the nite i ended up crying becoz i missed my husband so, and all she did was hug me...
i rmbr how the whole cell offered to help me shift house - a nightmare! - and the men went around nailing, drilling and hanging heavy stuff for me after that, not only my cell, but there was a whole troupe of youngsters from my daughter's cell driving a convoy of cars, loading and unloading continuously thru out the shift...
i rmbr those times when i had no money to go for India missions trips - which is like every time practically! - and one or other of my cell members would draw me aside and give me a love offering, and always somehow end of the day, there would be enuf...
i rmbr how in one of our cell outreach projects, we all (some even brought their kids)were driven, many standing in the open back portion of 2 jeeps, bumping all the way up to a remote mountain deep in the forests of Raub to minister to the orang asli community there, and then bumping all the way down again in the dark nite, pelted by rain..

And now 8 yrs down the line, it's this bunch of people (minus a couple, add new ones since then )with whom i am still meeting up every Friday nite... praying together, worshipping together,learning about the ways and the Word of God together, eating together, laughing and yes, sometimes crying together, and of coz celebrating Christmas together, joined by a love greater than ourselves - the love of Christ that binds us as one in the family of God. And best of all, bringing non-Christians into the circle of this love that can only issue from Jesus , the God of all love, grace and mercy
For Jesus said: A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another - John 3:34-35

Celebrating Christmas in the streets...

Tis' the season again when Christmas is in the air...Dec 25th is now only days away, but already celebration parties have been and are being held here, there, everywhere. My first started last Sat on the streets, as I pulled in some of my Bahasa church members to help out at the street feeding programme I minister at weekly. It was the 1st time we did it all in Bahasa M'sia; right from the worship songs to the sharing of God's Word, which I delivered by my own testimony of how i and my whole family was saved 8 yrs ago, during the crisis of my husband's cancer, thru receiving Jesus Christ, God's most precious gift to mankind...
indeed every Christmas i can't thank God enuf, realising that if not for the birth of Jesus, it would be impossible for man to be reconciled to God, and we would all be condemned into the pits of hell, as we actually deserve...but becoz of Him who was born at Christmas, a way has been opened for everyone to walk right into heaven... praise God for the Hope...
and so in that little dirty alley, on that Sat, i thank God that even in such a place , the message of Hope went out to the poor in spirit,the hungry, homeless, hurting.. for even if no one in the world cares for these who are looked down as the very dregs of society, God still loves them, and God still calls everyone to repentance and everlasting life - He is ever in the business of saving souls, no matter how wretched they are, and how privileged i am to do my little part to lead them to Him...bringing Hope to the hopeless; that's what Christmas is all about...
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son (Jesus) that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life - John 3:16

Mumbai

IMAGES OF INDIA ...















Today i am home, sweet home after 10 days in India...10 days of being so blessed by God to be able to give the little i can give in terms of preaching, prayer and ministry to Christians and non-Christians alike...
10 days of seeing God move in spite of and above things which happened out of our control, but always within His control. For truly the entire team of 12 stood only by His grace, as we experienced physical and spiritual challenges in doing our work...
The day before we left Mumbai had been bombed by terrorists. I was praying so hard that God would make it possible for us to go despite the danger, and so was jumping for joy when the official word came that we can go. But had to reassure my 2nd daughter who was quite dismayed that i should be going into such a place at such a time - that God holds my life in His hands all the while; there is no one and nothing - not even a bomb - which can take away my life, if He doesn't will it. So Mumbai, it was...
It was hard enuf planning logistics for 3 teams going 3 different directions; what more, within my own team, we were split again into another 3 sub-teams; straight away upon arrival at Mumbai, we were whisked off to diff. places. I found myself quite alone travelling into a village some 1 1/2 hrs drive away from Mumbai. The church was slap in the middle of a field, and to reach it or get out of it, we had to walk via a small pathway strewn with rocks; at nite it was absolutely pitch dark and we had to carry torchlites. Toilet was 2 shacks outside the church building, which thankfully were clean and decent. Along the pathway was a hut where a family made muruku for a living, and a slum settlement where we did children's work in a little space within houses...children ministry is always fun, for Indian children are ever so approachable and friendly; they come forward to touch you, shake your hand, ask your name again and again, so... lovable. I had a grand time teaching and they learning the Malay song Goyang-Goyang, and telling them the story of Jonah and the fish!
God is so good to answer the desires of my heart... i had so much looked forward to visiting Dharavi, reputedly Asia's largest slum settlement, but it appeared initially i had to stay in the village. So again i was praying hard, God, i want to minister in Dharavi.. and again He made it be.. the plan was changed and i found myself in the most horrible, gut wrenching, pit of pits, where so many human bodies live together side by side in what i call holes, not homes or houses. Built 2 storey high out of concrete so close to each other you just have to stretch out both arms and that's the distance btw neighbour and neighbour. Each hole is barely 10x 10'- its kitchen, bedroom and everyting rolled into that space. They use steel ladders to climb up to the 'homes' built one on top of another; and get thru by a hole in the wall of the downstairs portion...outside there is no drainage, drains are stuck full of stagnant water, rubbish everywhere... children naked, everyone walks around barefoot... such filth, dirt ... i dunno how to describe it. People hv to gather at water pipes to collect water, and yes, to lug pails all the way up the steel ladders to get it into their 'house'. Alleys are so narrow if one person is coming one direction, the other from the opposite has to move aside and stand still to give way. And amidst all this, people are doing business, tanning leather, selling sundries, sewing/ironing clothes.. my heart broke... no human being should be living in such conditions...
But even in such hovels, God moves.. as we distributed tracts and our Indian church members shared the love of Christ, some listened, invited us into their homes to pray, posed for my camera...and in the midst of all that misery, a teenage girl who spoke English responded to my sharing and opened her heart to Jesus... yes, in the midst of such darkness, the light of God can and did shine..
Even in the places which were bombed, which we managed to visit on the last day in Mumbai...yes, i was at the Taj Mahal hotel, and the other 2 places as well.. it had turned into a huge parade of people massing around the area, some praying, some walking holding placards proclaiming peace and unity,TV crews,police and guards evrywhere.. wat a heartbreak that it shld take a tragedy to bring together people of all tongues and age in a common denouncement of the utter incomprehensibility of terrorism - the ultimate derangement of man's nature - humans killing humans...yet again in the midst of such horror, God preserved 1 sole terrorist to survive to tell the story of man's wickedness, 1 out of 9... who says there is no God?
We left Mumbai by nite train, which took us 1,600 km 24 hrs from west to east, down south to Chennai... and again, He answered my prayer; for stuck in a coach with us, 2 of our fellow occupants, a young girl and a Nepalese guy heard the story of how God gave His only Son to save the world...
I can only thank God for His faithfulness, for even at the end of our missions, He was with us... our car suddenly stopped in the middle of the highway as we were journeying back from the village.. the brakes had jammed... i wouldn't be here today if there had been a bus or a lorry tailing us, the 3 of us were all seated at the back, literally sitting ducks for a rearend collision... truly angels must have been shielding the car from any other vehicle, despite it being the main busy h/way into the city.. and such are the wondrous works of God, that even in this kind of situation, in the middle of nowhere, we were able to share in broken Tamil to an Indian Muslim family, whose run-down house was by the roadside.. God is truly everywhere, everytime... it was only later that we realised our accident actually averted another more serious one which would have happened to the car owner's family, becoz the next nite they had to travel long distance for a relative's funeral... thank God it happened to us, and not them... that's the wonder of a God who knows all things and works them out for the best.
So,i look back on the past 10 days, in awe of an awesome God to whom i can only give thanks, praise and glory , for indeed He is worthy.

....and Funerals

Now talking about funerals, my 2nd bro in law went home to the Lord last week, after a 3 yr battle with lung cancer. Like my husband it was only during the last days of his life on earth that he came to know Jesus. I rmbr sharing with him the story of how God came into our lives during Chinese New Year when i was back in Alor Star a year ago. He never said much then, and i left it at that, tho i never stopped praying God would touch his heart. Well, it looks like God did, for suddenly out of the blue, March this year, he announced he wanted to be baptised. And so he was. My sis called for the pastor the nite before he passed away; and after being prayed over, he never regained consciousness; so peaceful was his passing.

I had journeyed back with some misgivings in my heart; for my sis' family relationship had been somewhat strained betw her and the daughter-in-law. (the only Christian amongst them) Things had gotten to such a stage, she had in a fit of anger disowned her only son who sided with the wife. I was wondering if World War 3 would break out at the funeral, but thank God He heard and answered my prayer for peace to prevail; i was shuttling to and fro betw the parties trying to reconcile them, to forgive harsh words spoken in anger , irrespective of who is right or wrong ; just as God forgives us who have all sinned against Him ; who are we not to forgive those who sin against us...

And i fell back to thinking how true wat the Bible says about the human tongue - it is a fire, a world of evil amongst the parts of the body. Such a small little organ, yet so lethal is its effect. How many times have we spoken out w/out thinking and lived to regret our words? Once released out of our mouths, nothing can be taken back. We could say sorry, we could whack ourselves on the head 1000 times for being rash, we could cry our hearts out; but we could never remove the sting of words. The worse part is if we allow the sting to fester, it becomes toxic poison in our system, building up hate, resentment, bitterness, pride and a critical spirit which only serves to destroy the peace and love which should attend our relationship with others.

I used to think i was entitled to say anything and everything if i was right. (and even if i was wrong, i would say it anyway, becoz i figured that's my right to my own opinion). Well, i m discovering my perspective is not the criteria in determining right or wrong. So before i open my big mouth, i bite my tongue and ask in my heart, God, what's Your take on this? Isn't it true that only God's right is right? I mean, my right could be very wrong to you, and vice versa. If the world was to be governed by every individual's idea of right or wrong, it would be even more messed up than it already is! But hai, we human beings can be so self-deceived; in the name of independence, liberty and tolerance, we tink its ok to just live and let live, hoping to preserve the peace. But that kind of peace is a delusion really; it merely sweeps everything under the carpet of pretence that each of us can live as we like with our own standards of morality and ethics.
At the end of the day, there is only 1 standard against which we are judged; and that is no man's standard, but the standard of a 100% holy, 100% just God. Before that absolute standard, we all fail, some more miserably than others, but all fail, becoz none of us are perfect; God knows all have sinned, that's why He sent us a Savior, coz He knows we can't rescue ourselves, no matter how much good we do or attempt to do. The rights could never cancel out the wrongs... when we come to realise that truth, that's when our heart will finally acknowledge the need for a Savior....
Thank God He has already anticipated that need, and answered it by giving us Jesus as the Way, the Truth and the Life; if only all would believe this.

Of weddings.......

Talk about beautiful beginnings... the other day i received a most unexpected call...from a loooong lost person from loooong ago... it was my mom's fren, whom i call aunty Molly, back from the days when we were still staying in this fabulous place (employees quarters) with a swimming pool called Taman Aman. I rmbr i threw my very 1st b-day party by the pool side when i turned 18; and i wore this black tingy - my 1st 'sexy' piece (well, it was sexy to me then!) presented by Cat and the girls... wow, such a throw-back to the good old days... well, anyway, back to the present.. aunty Molly btw is actually Jinai's real aunt... and it turns out her son was getting married in KL, and to cut a looong story short... yep, i went, and i met up with aunty M and Jinai as well... not only dear Jinai, but her whole family - i kept marvelling how her impish sister Amy and the little bro David had grown soooo much! (ok,ok i keep forgetting how old I am myself! ) Well, Jinai is... Jinai, still same bubbly character i rmbr her as....

and of coz weddings being weddings, hai, the bride's beautifooool, the groom's handsome...i was kept entertained by the screen put up to run the 'life-history' of the happy couple... my mind rewind back to the weddings of our yesteryears... rmbr we only had video taping, and even then, there would be this guy who had to lug around this huge, big blinding light tingy sticking it into everyone's face, capturing every pimple and every drop of sweat in the heat! The weddings now are so hi-tech, man... everyone is using computer techno to do up cutesy pix of 'him-n-her' from baby in diapers to teens courting, down to how and where the question was popped finally. I attended one where the guy actually wrote it out on a waterproof board underwater, as they were diving in the deep blue sea off the coast of some exotic island... man, talk about romance!

Indeed, marriage is such a beautiful beginning, ya. It symbolises the epitome of man's journey for wat is commonly termed a 'soul-mate' to walk thru life together. And it should be beautiful; after all God created the first human relationship to be that of a man and woman bonded in holy matrimony for better for worse, for richer for poorer till death do they part. And i m sure every couple who walked down the aisle would not hv thot anything else to the contrary on that big day. Yet if we take a peek at what happens 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 7, 15, 25, years down the line, isnt it sad that some of the beautiful beginnings have turned out less than beautiful. Indeed dont even have to wait that long; sometimes in a matter of 6 months, the happily-ever-after euphoria is already turning into black-faced mornings after.. no matter how perfect it started out, all too soon, the honeymoon is over and all couples are put to the test, not once, but again and again...

How many of us, to be honest, have entertained silent doubt in our heart abt our partners, especially after a quarrel??(If you hv never quarrelled with your spouse, i salute you, becoz you must be a very very rare 'breed'). I rmbr once my husband asked me whether i ever regretted marrying him... and i m ashamed to say i couldn't answer, becoz the truth was sometimes i did. To say no would be a lie, to say yes would hurt him; so i changed the subject. (ya, typical woman!) It made me feel even worse when he volunteered that he never regretted marrying me. At that moment i realised wat a terrible person i can be...i recalled horrid things i did; like taking out work frustrations on the kids and on him, never wishing him good morning, always waiting for him to say sorry after a fight (even if it was my fault), oh, so many many little tings that negated love. Not that he was a saint either; but then who am i to judge, when i myself am such a sinner?

Weren't there any good times to rmbr? Of coz there were plenty. And it was these that kept me going when he was so ill with the cancer eating up his body... it was calling up strength from the memories of a love which began beautiful, got a bit worn and off-color thru the years, but still was strong enuf to weather the pain of disease and yes, death. I knew my husband loved me, but i never knew how much till after his passing, when my brother told me wat my husband said when questioned why he wanted to become a Christian; his answer was" becoz of my wife". Wat he did tell me after he prayed to receive Jesus on his hospital bed was that now he understood wat i had been trying to tell him about Christ - finally he knew wat peace was.

And so it is, i treasure those last moments of his life, when his love for me led him to experience the supreme love of God. How merciful God is, to bless me with 17 years of a marriage that survived the ups and downs of crisis after crisis, and above all, saved us both when we were yet sinners, and promised us that eventually we will meet again in heaven to live a life that surpasses anyting we can ever imagine or dream of.....

So today, i can still smile ... ...i am not a poor,little widow.... i am rich beyond measure; for tho i may have nothing in this world, i have everything in Christ Jesus... and i know wat was a beautiful beginning on earth will end up even more beautiful in heaven! My husband breathed his last on his bed at home, with my bro-in-law at his side singing Amazing Grace.... how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me, i once was lost but now am found, was blind but now i see.... i used to hear and even sing this song at scouts/rangers' campfires in school but i never understood its meaning till that day.... praise God for His grace that He gave us His one and only Son Jesus who came to seek and save the lost, to bring us out of darkness into light, from death into life. For He is the Beginning and the End, He is the First and the Last, the Alpha and the Omega; from Him, thru Him and to Him are all things.

Blessings... from generation to generation

Today i m basking in reflected glory as i admire my no. 2 girl pix shot featured in Star Youth, on the e-shopping review blog that she operates under Diaryofane-shopaholic.blogspot.com...Hai, she looked so sweeeeet... and my heart is so full of gratitude for a God who blesses me soooo much even unto my next generation; i m certain their daddy up in heaven is smiling like i am!

For not only my no. 2, but no. 1 princess is already seeing her work in print, altho its a small beginning, she has had some poems and just recently another short story published in Quill, one of the MPH mags.

To think when i was their age, i used to harbor ambitions abt being a writer... 20 yrs down the line, whilst i m still dreaming my old dreams, my daughters are seeing their dreams already happening! I like to tink it's all my genes being passed down, of coz. But i know deep in my heart, it's all the work of God, a wonderful awesome awesome God who holds their future in His mighty hands and has got all sorts of plans to prosper and never harm them.... it gives me such assurance and hope to know this; that all i gotta do is love my God, creator of heaven and earth, and this God who is our Abba Father will surely bless the kids He gave me in the 1st place - when i learn to let go and let Him work in their lives...

Thats always the difficult part; which parent doesn't want the best for their off spring? Which parent hasn't tried to do the best for his/her child/ren - we nag, lecture, pressure (and call it advise) our kids with our own expectations abt how they shld live their lives, which parent hasn't worried day and nite abt how their precious kids are gonna turn out, tear hair when we encounter rebellious , closed-up hearts and ears which refuse to listen? We groan and moan and wring our hands, and try even harder ; we work hard to earn lots of money to provide them a house, a car, to make sure they get the best education, get the best earning job, marry a 'good' person and live a 'nice' life... but wat if God has other (usually more exciting) plans for them??

But really, actually, all that worrying does no good one iota. I learnt early on when i was struggling as a widowed mom that i can't handle it all, so one day when i had done crying for the umpteenth time wondering how on earth to be a 'father' to my young son, i just gave up, admitted defeat... and gave it all away to God. I just as good as told Him, look, You gave these precious kids to me, and now i honestly dunno how to take care of them, since there's supposed to be two of us, me and the dad, now there's only one of me; whilst dad is partying in heaven, i can't do this alone... i give them back to You, as their Abba Father who loves them more than i ever can, who surely is more than capable to watch over them, for You are the God who never slumbers nor sleeps, who sees them in their coming in and going out.. In the words of the Bible, i just cast all my cares upon Him, and truly in accordance to His promise, He sustained and continues to sustain me.
So instead of living my dreams thru my kids, i bite my tongue and refrain from telling them to.... take this course, apply for this job, do it mama's way... its so easy to plant our desires on our children; but i have to learn my desires don't matter; at the end of the day, God's plans outbeat mine anytime; they will reach their best potential when they find their destiny in Him.

The moment i committed 'my' kids back to Him, the release came into my heart. Of coz i m human, and there are still times when i tear hair as a mom. But such times, i purposefully still myself to pray and say again that prayer, Lord, they are Yours, i give them back to You. Forgive me that i keep forgetting it... And the peace washes over the heart again, with a certainty that He knows and in all things He works for good for those who love Him according to His purpose ; even when my eyes can't see any good! Truly as Jesus promised, when we come to Him all weary and laden, He will give us rest.

I m so glad i dont have to carry the burden of looking after the kids by myself, that God actually carries them for me, when i surrender to Him. And i can only whisper never ending thanks for all His blessings upon my family. As i remind the kids, we are not rich in $$ terms, but in Christ we already have treasures beyond earthly value! At times my heart is so full when i look at them over the dinner table, and realise how they have grown from little kids to teens and now the 2 girls blossoming into womanhood, and already God is blessing them with so much talent.... i m excited for them, knowing as they learn to walk with the God of their father and mother, their lives will always be a blessed adventure... truly the blessings of God are from generation to generation without end....

hmmmm, now i m wondering about the boy.... he hasn't shown any bright sparks yet , but he does have rather longish fingers... perhaps a Picasso or Richard Clayderman in the making???!

Of tears and fears

Its been sobering, visiting a cancer-stricken terminally-ill brother in law in Ipoh, attending a funeral wake for one of my kindy children's mom (who passed on after a cancer relapse), hearing via email of Choo Khang's demise, and just last Sat being told that one of those homeless street vagabonds i used to counsel had also passed away.... So much of the stink of death around.
Bottom line, we never know do we, when its gonna strike any one of us. But as the saying goes, in life there are only 2 sure things - death and taxes.

I got to musing how we should be preparing for both diligently, even if we hate it, coz there's no running away from them. My husband used to prepare my tax returns; now for the past 7 yrs, come every march, i gotta dig out all those records and do it myself. I used to hate it; being unfamiliar with all the columns of figures; but it gets easier with each year's practise.

I have also prepared for my death; from my will to the songs i want sung at my wake, down to my last words to the kids. They already know wat i dont want - long faces, sad tunes, mournful eulogies. I want a party to celebrate the life i lived on earth before death and the life eternal i will be living after death in heaven with my God. Becoz i know for sure the second i breathe my last on this earth, i will be in the loving arms of Jesus, my Savior in my permanent home, right in heaven. What blessed assurance this knowledge gives me!

I remember how fearful i was about losing my husband to death before knowing Jesus; not just for him but for myself, wondering where's our final destination when death strikes ?? I feared because i didn't 'know' death. That's human nature; we all fear things we don't know.
And I remember the tears i shed at his wake. Yes, there were tears but by then, 2 years of experiencing the power of God's love, grace and mercy in my life, there was no more fear; becoz my husband knew the same Jesus i knew, i was sure of where he had gone, sure that we would be meeting again when death comes to me. Whats there to fear when my God has conquered death forever?! Death couldn't hold my Jesus; it can't hold me; for indeed anyone, everyone who calls on His name shall not perish but have eternal life. That's God's guarantee sealed by the blood of Jesus which flowed from the cross of Calvary. In the certainty of death, is the certainty of life everlasting - what an amazing promise... only an amazing God can give, and prove by the One who loved us so much He died for all, that all should live.

Yes, there will always be tears when earthly life comes to an end, but there need not be fears that death or hell (wat other alternatives are there?!) is the end; thank God, Jesus holds out the key to a new beginning, a new life where there is no more pain, sorrow or tears. I tell my kids the only tears i want shed at my funeral to be tears of joy - becoz then i would finally be home with my God, my Lord to live a fantastic life some more - Now that's a hope to live and die for!

Ulu Mulu

I m just back from the wild wild east... of M'sia, Mululand to be exact. It's either you will love it or hate it. For me i fell in love...tho not exactly at first sight... the love affair started only upon resting my achy feet after walking 1.5 km in the hot hot afternoon sun, dragging our luggage from a really bare airport to Mulu park HQ, where we had booked in for a 4 day 3 nite stay... all gung-ho adventurers trying to be heroes, mah (the truth is we too kiamsiap to fork out wat was to us a rather unreasonable fee of $5 per pax for a 5 min ride !!) ... wat an adventure it was... first was culture-shock - all you see is all you get, and all you see is green green forest forest everywhere your eyes roam. No kedai runchit , no kampung, no.. nothing, not even maggi mee (except those sold at the 1 and only cafe which is like $5 per instant cup!) The nearest ATM is a 1/2 hr flight back to Miri! Guests who opt for the cheaper accommodation are practically locked in as from 9 pm, coz the quarters are situated right inside the park cafe which closes at that time!

So if you are the type who will die w/out karaoke, chlorinated swimming pool, gym, spa and the full works of a so-called 'must-have civilized' vacation, you will hate Mulu. (Of coz if you have the $$ to splash, there is the fancy Royal Mulu Resort which houses all these 'obligatory' stuff for city slicks!) But if you are like us, with an Indiana Jones heart, who dont mind touching stinky bat guano, (thats poo, for the uninitiated, not that we had much choice abt the matter; it was either touch it for grip or fall off the rocks!) , getting shoes all wet splashing thru small-time but still raging rivers, gingerly walking on a 2 km suspension bridge 20 m above ground amongst tree tops, (praying the ropes wont break when you are right in the centre and there's a yawning river down below you) holed up in caves so dark you cant see your fingers in front of your face, dipping into icy cold clear fresh waters ... if you are the type who just wanna gape at God's fantastic handiwork in trees, flowers, bats, worms, ants, things i dont even know the names of.... you will love Mulu... for this is truly wat Eden must have been like in the beginning.

And btw, yes, they actually have a Garden of Eden named for a beautifoool spot, they even have Adam and Eve's showers! And oh the caves, the caves... wat works of art they are!! There is only 1 word to describe what we saw, did and experienced during our short stay there - AWESOME. These few pix dont even begin to do justice to the wonders of Mulu, you gotta see it to know wat i m raving abt... for wat we saw represented but the littlest fraction of wat Mulu is all abt - we only got into 3 of the 'easy' caves (meaning for duh duh tourists who have absolutely zero experience of caving, like us jakuns from the big city!!) Was it dirty? Well, whaddya expect lah? This is mountain territory; if you are squeamish abt sweat, mud, creepy crawlies, afraid of the dark, heights, shadows, man, take it from me - this is the best place to confront and conquer your fears!
We were so so blessed... God gave us such fine weather every day/nite that we had something on, even tho the weather is apparently pretty unpredictable with flash floods in the forests known to happen. And when we flew back into Miri, we were so favoured by a local pastor's daughter who drove us around for a quickie tour of the town before our flight home. And bonus : hey, no flight delays!

So i m already planning to retire in Miri - its got sun, sea, sand, beach, and mountains all in one, plus lots and lots of opportunities to do God's work amongst the interior regions populated by many who don't know the love of Christ..... wat more can one ask for?!