The next day on a whim I approached the doctor who was in attendance at the street medical station where I volunteer every week. The medical service there was actually very limited to treating simple "non-serious" ailments like cough, flu, fever and the like. The doctor on duty was his usual brusque self, and after peering at the lump told me exactly what I had expected anyway - go have it checked out at a proper hospital, and somewhat off-handedly added, no, it wasn't just a sore throat. The volunteer-nurses there emphasised I should go fast, to avoid undue worry. A sister thoughtfully prayed for me.
I knew I was to trust God and take His word in faith. But I felt I needed to go church on Sunday. Maybe God would speak to me an assuring word through a preacher. Since my regular Bahasa service was off, I thought I would attend the English service. But unknown to me, instead of the normal 2 English services, there was only 1 at the premises that Sunday, I had come too early. The other service was being held elsewhere; I would be late rushing there anyway. I got the message loud and clear - just stay home and pray.
So I did. I didn't tell the children as I didn't want them to worry. I also didn't feel led to tell anyone else besides one of my prayer partners to pray for me. I guess there are times when we don't need to ask everyone for prayer, although normally that's the first thing most Christians, including I, would do. But this time it was as if God was telling me He is enough. I know in my heart He is. Still I am very much human, very much the "oh ye of little faith" type, and I must admit there was this niggling thing in my mind, wondering what if it's cancer? What an irony it was, receiving the many wishes for a good, happy, joyful new year as 2019 came around, with this 'thing' hanging over me. Not that I was scared of dying - that fear has long since been overcome, I rest assured my bodily death means everlasting life in heaven with my creator God who has promised it, and a reunion with the husband who has gone on before me some 17 years ago.
So, no, it wasn't fear of any disease or death. It was more of a reluctance in my spirit - I didn't want to die because I have yet to see God's promises regarding my children and my own destiny fulfilled. So that was exactly what I told my Abba Father in heaven. I reminded Him of what had been spoken and prophesied over my life, when I first came to faith in Christ and continuing through the years even now. I reminded Him of His very personal Words to me as a widow and single mother of children who have missed out on the love of an earthly father. I literally bargained with God that if I die now from whatever cause, it means His words and promises in and for my life - this life that Jesus has saved and redeemed by His precious blood shed at the cross - would all have failed. And surely my almighty God who never lies will not - cannot - let such a thing happen. Not because of me, but for His own name sake that He is and always will be faithful God who watches over His word to make it come to pass. After all, Jesus said He came to give life and life abundantly, unlike the the thief who seeks only to steal, kill and destroy.
Of course the all-knowing God needed no reminder from mere mortals like me. Still if kings, prophets and saints of old audaciously kept reminding Him of His goodness, I can do no less. And God in His mercy, grace and compassion, heard my cry - He answered. For 3 days I prayed and did what He told me to do. I saw a vision of the sword poking holes in the lump, and I knew the best doctor in the world Dr Jesus Christ was Himself performing surgery in my throat. I declared affirming as it was done spiritually, so be it manifested in the physical.
I had made an appointment to see the ENT specialist after 3 days. Initially I was wondering if I should go to the cheaper government hospital. But then I remembered the love offering a sister had given me unexpectedly just days before. It was a pretty big sum of $300, as it turned out, the bill came up to $331.80. Truly God had already provided for me. So there I was in a 5-star hospital on the second day of 2019. I had every expectation of a clear report. But as the doctor probed the lump, he said, "It doesn't look like a cyst, I am a bit concerned. " Words that aren't reassuring at all. He started talking about the need to operate to remove it for biopsy. I have to admit in that moment, I was shaken inside, my heart sank.. . Abba, did I get You wrong? Did You not show me your sword? Did You not do the operation already?
The human doctor said I had to go get my neck scanned first. So obediently I trooped over to the other department. My mind started wandering again... if I had to be operated, I should go to the more affordable UH Specialist Centre.....I started googling the contact no. Then I recalled I had a lot of things lined up that God had already tasked me to do in the next few months. Surely He would make sure I wouldn't be floored by any operation. The doctor who did the scan was very thorough. She took her time, but she never uttered a word and her face was so neutral. I strained to look at the screen, but of course it made no sense to me. The attendant handed me the report; I quickly peeked at it, and thanked God - the most probable diagnosis was a cyst after all, going by the scientific name of thyroglossal cyst.
Back in the specialist office, my doctor shrugged, mentioning that the one who did the scan was very experienced and he saw no reason to doubt her findings. He further explained this type of cyst was a birth defect and becomes enlarged due to accumulation of fluid. But since I could eat normally, and the pain was just minimal, he recommended no medication, no treatment and no followup needed. Although if I wanted, he could poke a needle into me and aspirate ie drain out the fluid from the lump under anaesthesia. Of course I refused - Dr Jesus had already operated on me.
As I walked - almost danced - out of the hospital, I couldn't stop thanking God. What had started out as not good, rather scary and in fact could have gone worse, had been turned around. Despite my faithlessness, despite all my wavering, God was His usual self - indeed He is the same yesterday, today and forever more - loving, merciful and faithful. All life is held in God's hand, whether or not we believe it. He determines when our time on earth is up. And my time wasn't up - I am at peace, knowing nothing whatsoever can short-circuit my life and the marvellous destiny that He has already crafted out for me.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
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