A Letter From The Past

It was a deja-vu moment. At first I was puzzled, as my eyes had been drawn first to the big blown-up pix of the Beauty and the Beast advert. And then I saw it - the smaller caption "Moving On After Death" letter and my own name at the end of it. The page edges were torn and faded yellow, indicating its age from a time long past. The newspaper cutting was dated 2/12/2003 and had been sent to me by a cell member who was clearing her old stuff. She had kept it even though she didn't know me then, because apparently she found the article rather "touching".

It was penned two years after my husband's passing, in response to a mom who, still reeling from the death of a beloved son, had written to the newspaper. As I re-read my own letter, 15 years down the line, I was transported back to memory lane, remembering the awful ache of a heart broken over the loss of a husband who would never grow old with me, a father who would never be around for his children. He would never get to hug them, never celebrate their birthdays, never attend their graduation, never shed tears for them like I do. Time doesn't heal wounds, it just allows us the space to grieve and then to carry on.

Every word in that 15 year old letter from my past still rings true today. Death still happens everyday, life is still unfair. But then again, God never promised anyone a 'fair' deal in the sense that 'good' people shouldn't suffer. Jesus is good, still He suffered death, hanging on a cross to die for man's sin - that's absolutely unfair. But God is just; every human will be judged according to His standard, in His time. Evil is never a problem with God; it's only a problem with man. Likewise God has never guaranteed anyone a 'good' life, no matter how good we think we are. He only guarantees everyone eternal life, provided we are willing to accept it on His terms.

When I wrote that letter, I was a 'baby' Christian, barely 2 years in the faith. Still even then, I had caught on to a simple yet profound truth which applies across all circumstances, across all time... that when we don't understand why certain things happen in life in this world, we have two choices - we can turn to or turn away from God. The direction we decide to turn is going to make all the difference to the rest of our lives.

Whether it's something very personal - a death in the family, a betrayal by someone we care about, a rejection at the hands of those who should love us, a stab in the back by friends - or something that goes beyond - like the wickedness, injustice and so many terrible things that happen in our world - we can either believe there is a God who is able to heal and vindicate, trusting that He can and will make the worst things come out right ultimately. Or we can believe there is no God, and deal with the issues somehow, anyhow in our own strength according to our own ways.

15 years ago, I made a choice to believe in the existence and goodness of God. Many times I could have lost faith... especially when I get no answers to all the "why's and wherefore's" I ask when I don't understand the messiness of life or when my rational mind is inclined to doubt in the face of scientific logic. I know by now it's no point asking such questions because the standard spiritually correct answer is always God's ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts. But I still ask them anyway, being the demanding human being that I am.

Of course back then 15 years ago, I didn't know what I was signing up for when I decided to believe. It's tough enough getting into a serious relationship with a human being, what more with Someone you can't touch, see or feel, who only gives you His Word to hang on to. Someone who can be infuriatingly incomprehensible, who keeps absolutely still and silent when I want Him to speak/act to prove He is really all that good and powerful as He claims to be. And when I really don't want Him to speak, He aims straight at the heart by revealing attitudes, behavior, motivation that put me to shame when examined in the glare of His holiness.

Here is Someone who can stir me so deeply, usually at most inconvenient times in most uncomfortable ways. He causes me to see myself in His eyes, and many times it's not a pretty picture. Just when I think I am really quite a nice decent good person, He shows up some facet in me that makes me cringe. It's downright humbling to be made aware of my failings, that for all the 'religious' things I do right, my heart is all wrong. For how can I claim to love God when I have no love for another human being. Oh yes, of course I pray, I do some charity like feed the poor, follow some church missions, but that's about as far as I will go . I can't be bothered to get involved with people I really don't particularly care or desire to know. That may be normal in human terms, but that makes a mockery of divine love.

"Doing" religion is easy - you just follow the rules... do this, don't do that. But the God I have chosen to believe in isn't into religion. Sure, there are the do's and don'ts - in fact there's a whole 3.6 hour movie made on the 10 Commandments that God gave to Moses up on the mountain. Still if all there is to Christianity is a list of do's and don'ts, I wouldn't have lasted this long in the faith. After a while "being religious" can get a tad wearisome, tiresome and just plain boring. Especially when the answers to difficult questions are not forthcoming.

Actually Christians can be pretty tiresome people. I know, because I am one. We tend to keep on singing the same old song - it's not about religion; it's about relationship. Unfortunately there is no other way we can put it. We can't 'spin' our faith any other way. Because that's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Christianity is about Christ, a person. You can't "do/don't do" a person like a commandment. You can only relate/not relate to a person. That's always a matter of choice. We can be friends with whoever we want, and that goes for God too. It's like on Facebook, we can confirm or ignore those names on the "Find Friends" list. We can even 'unfriend' Him, if we think He doesn't live up to our expectations of a 'friend'; or as aptly expressed in Christian terms, we back-slide away from God. He doesn't zap us with fire from heaven, on the contrary it breaks His heart that there are people who don't want to shake/hold His (bloody) hands.

The blood of Jesus Christ was shed anyway for all, unconditionally. That's the measure of God's great love for the world. As much as I claim to love God, when He asked me pointedly one day whilst I was praying, "Would you give up your life if that's what it takes to save someone...who isn't of your family, your race or your nation...how about dying for your enemy?", I couldn't answer, not yet anyway. Ouch, that's really putting my money where my mouth is. I am still learning... after 15 years.

Unlike me, Jesus didn't hesitate - He gave His all to prove His love, even to an unbelieving, unappreciative world. That's relationship without any strings attached, not religion. The Bible puts it very simply.....

"For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" - John 3:16