What Really Matters

I lost my way, as usual. I had to go round that darn 1-loop road 3 times before I got it right. The first

time I went to the wrong padang - there was not a soul in sight on the ground. The next time I went into the wrong lane and found I couldn't cut across 4 lanes of traffic. Now I know why drivers in PJ New Town make so much noise about the 1-way traffic system there.

There were no signboards or banners to point to the actual venue of the anti RU355 rally. I entered into a half-filled car park... at least it was free. Messaged my daughter for more specific directions. Walked on and saw some very free souls fishing in the lake - now, that's life. A couple of stalls selling drinks and snacks. I eyed some serious-looking fellas nearby, 1 face looked vaguely familiar, and so I decided to follow them... which turned out to be a correct hunch. There were a handful of people milling around some steps, I spotted my girl, standing out in her red cheongsam, busy with placards.

The music was.... uninspiring, to say the least. Instead of a live band, there was just some 'noise' issuing from a scratchy portable speaker. I heard the band pulled out last-minute due to 'pressure'. The heat was...hot (what else); within minutes I was sweating in my baju kurung. Apart from a few of the organizers and some odd-balls like me, no one had bothered about the call to dress up in traditional wear. Given the discomfort of the searing heat of the day, those who turned up in jeans and tees were definitely the smarter ones.  I was early, so I had the privilege of choosing the best-seat in the house, or rather park. They called it an amphi-theatre, truth is it's just a small open area with steps on 3 sides. All sorts of people were trickling in. I wouldn't even call it  a crowd, certainly nowhere near the thousands upon thousands who must have been gathering in Padang Merbok at the same time at the other end of town. Heck, don't bother counting thousands, there was hardly a couple of hundreds from my guess, as I parked myself on a step near some shrubs. At least I wouldn't be BBQ-ed under direct sunlight, unlike the folks with the big banners in 3 languages who gamely stood enduring the heat holding up the poles throughout the afternoon.

People were choosing or making their own placards. The organizers had printed out several different messages for distribution, still there were the creative ones who preferred to take cardboard and markers to pen their own stuff. Naturally everyone was posing for selfies and we-fies. Media folks didn't need to jostle  to capture the small group that had gathered in Taman Jaya that Saturday.

Every now and then, the MC would ask people to come to the front, as many preferred to shelter under the trees further off. The steps at the shaded sides were mostly occupied already. Some simply sat on the grass. There were old, young. men, women, Malays, Chinese, Indians, Sikhs, even whites. No babies or kids, rightly so, they don't belong in rallies. I heard groups came from as far as Johor and Penang, at their own expense. There were absolutely no freebies,  no "door-gifts" , no souvenirs, no paraphernelia of political parties, no T-shirts, food, not even a bottle of mineral water being hawked.  A petite lady somewhat apologetically announced that anyone who felt unwell in the merciless heat could contact the organizers. People dug into their pockets and wallets as a plastic bag was passed around for voluntary donations.

Who in their right mind would pay money and use up 2 1/2 hours of a precious weekend afternoon to stew in the sun, listening to speeches about some law, which they aren't in any position to debate or determine its enactment anyway? My daughter told me she was so disappointed by the apathy and lack of response by those she had contacted to come for the rally. Some hemmed and haw-ed. Some were scared of repercussions, of being branded 'bad' or worse a traitor to their religion. Some felt it wasn't their business since it supposedly won't affect them. 'Big time' NGOs didn't want to get involved, maybe talking about a 'sensitive' bill isn't an interesting  as a mega financial scandal involving famous personalities or election fraud which are guaranteed crowd-pullers .

Indeed it would be so much easier, simpler and definitely more preferable to stay home and snooze in the comfort of an air-conditioned room. Or go shopping in the mall. Or spend quality time with the family. Or just chill wherever, do whatever. Indeed, up to the eve of the rally, I myself wasn't interested. Not that I don't support my own daughter, but she and I have a tacit understanding; that we don't necessarily subscribe to the same views or ways of doing things. Of course I am glad she wants to fight for justice, freedom and all that but no, it wasn't about her. I went ultimately because I felt called in my heart to do the right thing in all good conscience to my God, my nation and my fellow Malaysians.

And I knew I was in the right place when we all stood up to sing Negara-Ku, We sang off-key, but it didn't matter. We were  'grasshoppers' or as one news portal apparently reported  'mosquitoes and fleas' compared to the giants in purple at Padang Merbok. In number count, we were the biblical Gideon's 300 facing off an opposing army of 135,000 . That also didn't matter. True strength can never be measured by numbers or weapons. True strength must come first and foremost from the heart.

What really mattered to me at least is that there are people who cared enough to put some action to the stirrings in their hearts by coming. They could be content to rant on social media, complain in coffee-shop chatter, engage in tsk-tsk gossip in private conversation, or even 'just pray'. Which are all perfectly well within every individual's rights to do or not do. There is no condemnation for those who feel that is enough and will go no further. So it's a purely personal decision on my part to make that effort to go just that little bit more, to sweat it out literally.

Will my presence/absence make any difference in the ultimate outcome of this controversial bill? Nah. Who am I? I am not an MP, I have no appetite for politics (just food).  No reporter would chase after me for some profound-sounding policy statement. I am just ordinary 'Jane Doe' or in Malaysian Chinese lingo 'Ah Lian', or (old) aunty to children and youngsters. Sure, I get irritated, fed-up, even angry about some of the things that happen  in my country. Mostly I pray over it since that's what my God teaches me to do about many things I don't have control over. My faith tells me He knows what He is doing even if I don't.

Honestly, I am just a voice in the wilderness outside the august halls of Parliament where the powers-that-be are the ones involved in all the action. Honestly, looking at the figures, even I with my mathematically-challenged mind, can calculate how easily the bill could get passed, especially when we throw in very likely abstentions by YBs who would choose the easy way out of a 'sensitive situation' by deliberately taking a leave of absence when the vote is called.

So honestly, it could very well turn out that I have wasted all my precious time for nothing, if the bill gets bull-dozed through. But that doesn't matter.  I attended the rally because even if the proposed law does not affect me (which I very much doubt, as any observer can easily note the trend of things happening in society these days), my heart feels for those of my fellow Malaysians who definitely will be affected. I am blessed to know a God who gives me the freedom to choose whether I want to believe, trust and obey Him or not; He doesn't force me. If I choose to say I do, it is out of my own free will, it is out of love for the One who first loved me. That's the highest fullest freedom of all. And my heart is sad that there are those who don't even know about, much less possess, that kind of freedom to choose and are instead subject to the whims of humans who claim to speak for God.

I may not have any rights to interfere, but that shouldn't stop me from standing up with those who have every right to be concerned about a law, which is drafted, debated and will be passed by mere men. It reminds me of how religious authorities added some 600+ 'sub-commandments' to the original 10 that Moses received from God, which Jesus summarized ever so neatly into just 2 - love God and love your neighbor. So how if the bill is passed and made law that may someday in all likelihood affect me, what then? Well, we deal with it when that happens. In the meantime, it's the heart, not numbers, that matters.

"....  I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live " - Deutronomy 30:19

Published MMO 20/2/17

A Letter From The Past

It was a deja-vu moment. At first I was puzzled, as my eyes had been drawn first to the big blown-up pix of the Beauty and the Beast advert. And then I saw it - the smaller caption "Moving On After Death" letter and my own name at the end of it. The page edges were torn and faded yellow, indicating its age from a time long past. The newspaper cutting was dated 2/12/2003 and had been sent to me by a cell member who was clearing her old stuff. She had kept it even though she didn't know me then, because apparently she found the article rather "touching".

It was penned two years after my husband's passing, in response to a mom who, still reeling from the death of a beloved son, had written to the newspaper. As I re-read my own letter, 15 years down the line, I was transported back to memory lane, remembering the awful ache of a heart broken over the loss of a husband who would never grow old with me, a father who would never be around for his children. He would never get to hug them, never celebrate their birthdays, never attend their graduation, never shed tears for them like I do. Time doesn't heal wounds, it just allows us the space to grieve and then to carry on.

Every word in that 15 year old letter from my past still rings true today. Death still happens everyday, life is still unfair. But then again, God never promised anyone a 'fair' deal in the sense that 'good' people shouldn't suffer. Jesus is good, still He suffered death, hanging on a cross to die for man's sin - that's absolutely unfair. But God is just; every human will be judged according to His standard, in His time. Evil is never a problem with God; it's only a problem with man. Likewise God has never guaranteed anyone a 'good' life, no matter how good we think we are. He only guarantees everyone eternal life, provided we are willing to accept it on His terms.

When I wrote that letter, I was a 'baby' Christian, barely 2 years in the faith. Still even then, I had caught on to a simple yet profound truth which applies across all circumstances, across all time... that when we don't understand why certain things happen in life in this world, we have two choices - we can turn to or turn away from God. The direction we decide to turn is going to make all the difference to the rest of our lives.

Whether it's something very personal - a death in the family, a betrayal by someone we care about, a rejection at the hands of those who should love us, a stab in the back by friends - or something that goes beyond - like the wickedness, injustice and so many terrible things that happen in our world - we can either believe there is a God who is able to heal and vindicate, trusting that He can and will make the worst things come out right ultimately. Or we can believe there is no God, and deal with the issues somehow, anyhow in our own strength according to our own ways.

15 years ago, I made a choice to believe in the existence and goodness of God. Many times I could have lost faith... especially when I get no answers to all the "why's and wherefore's" I ask when I don't understand the messiness of life or when my rational mind is inclined to doubt in the face of scientific logic. I know by now it's no point asking such questions because the standard spiritually correct answer is always God's ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts. But I still ask them anyway, being the demanding human being that I am.

Of course back then 15 years ago, I didn't know what I was signing up for when I decided to believe. It's tough enough getting into a serious relationship with a human being, what more with Someone you can't touch, see or feel, who only gives you His Word to hang on to. Someone who can be infuriatingly incomprehensible, who keeps absolutely still and silent when I want Him to speak/act to prove He is really all that good and powerful as He claims to be. And when I really don't want Him to speak, He aims straight at the heart by revealing attitudes, behavior, motivation that put me to shame when examined in the glare of His holiness.

Here is Someone who can stir me so deeply, usually at most inconvenient times in most uncomfortable ways. He causes me to see myself in His eyes, and many times it's not a pretty picture. Just when I think I am really quite a nice decent good person, He shows up some facet in me that makes me cringe. It's downright humbling to be made aware of my failings, that for all the 'religious' things I do right, my heart is all wrong. For how can I claim to love God when I have no love for another human being. Oh yes, of course I pray, I do some charity like feed the poor, follow some church missions, but that's about as far as I will go . I can't be bothered to get involved with people I really don't particularly care or desire to know. That may be normal in human terms, but that makes a mockery of divine love.

"Doing" religion is easy - you just follow the rules... do this, don't do that. But the God I have chosen to believe in isn't into religion. Sure, there are the do's and don'ts - in fact there's a whole 3.6 hour movie made on the 10 Commandments that God gave to Moses up on the mountain. Still if all there is to Christianity is a list of do's and don'ts, I wouldn't have lasted this long in the faith. After a while "being religious" can get a tad wearisome, tiresome and just plain boring. Especially when the answers to difficult questions are not forthcoming.

Actually Christians can be pretty tiresome people. I know, because I am one. We tend to keep on singing the same old song - it's not about religion; it's about relationship. Unfortunately there is no other way we can put it. We can't 'spin' our faith any other way. Because that's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Christianity is about Christ, a person. You can't "do/don't do" a person like a commandment. You can only relate/not relate to a person. That's always a matter of choice. We can be friends with whoever we want, and that goes for God too. It's like on Facebook, we can confirm or ignore those names on the "Find Friends" list. We can even 'unfriend' Him, if we think He doesn't live up to our expectations of a 'friend'; or as aptly expressed in Christian terms, we back-slide away from God. He doesn't zap us with fire from heaven, on the contrary it breaks His heart that there are people who don't want to shake/hold His (bloody) hands.

The blood of Jesus Christ was shed anyway for all, unconditionally. That's the measure of God's great love for the world. As much as I claim to love God, when He asked me pointedly one day whilst I was praying, "Would you give up your life if that's what it takes to save someone...who isn't of your family, your race or your nation...how about dying for your enemy?", I couldn't answer, not yet anyway. Ouch, that's really putting my money where my mouth is. I am still learning... after 15 years.

Unlike me, Jesus didn't hesitate - He gave His all to prove His love, even to an unbelieving, unappreciative world. That's relationship without any strings attached, not religion. The Bible puts it very simply.....

"For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" - John 3:16