So I did what any mom would do. I cried. I hugged my princess and told her I was so so sorry I wasn't there for her when it happened. And for the rest of the day I went through a gamut of emotions - guilt, anger, sadness, pain. That morning at my staff devotion, I prayed crying for all our children, as parents who can only do so much and no more to protect them.
My daughter’s email ended with asking for my 'quiet support'. Honestly I had every intention to give her the 'quiet' support she had requested. Of course. I am her mother. Until I read the comment in response to her column. A reader had expressed the fear 'I always worried if that will happen to my daughter or even my son lost control of himself'. And I knew I couldn't keep 'quiet' about my support. This one is for all the mothers and fathers of daughters and sons.
Well, so it has happened to my daughter. Now what? Life goes on, she has moved on. And rape still happens. Hers is but the story of 1 survivor who dealt silently with the pain and the shame of being violated for years, who finally felt she had to go public about it.
And to think I, her mother, never knew or even suspected. Have I been remiss? If her father were still alive, would it have made a difference? Why didn't God do something? Could I have done anything to prevent it? How dare this man hurt my child? But as I took my anguish to God, I was reminded it's not about me or him, it's about her and not only about her, but about every woman. Heck, just because I believe in God doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen to me, my family, or my country. No one is exempt from evil. Rape, sexual assault and discrimination of women is nothing new. It’s all there in my Bible; my God doesn’t hide the bad stuff of real life in a fallen world.
My daughter declares herself a feminist. Her heart is for women and women issues. I am also a feminist. I too am sad, disgusted and angry at the same old same old misogynistic attitudes about rape that persist in society. Where despite so much evidence to the contrary, people still think it's always or at least partly the woman's fault when she is raped. Actually women get blamed for everything anyway, from dirty laundry to not keeping the kids under control to failing to preserve the family lineage in not giving birth to sons (even though everyone knows or should know it's the man's gene which determines gender). I guess it's always been that way since Adam conveniently blamed Eve for giving him the forbidden fruit to eat. So let's just blame Adam for all those no-brainers who actually believe it's the woman's fault she gets raped since she wasn't in the 'right attire', she got drunk, she was 'asking for it' etc etc...ad infinitum ad nauseam. That means 'without end or limit, to the point of nausea'.
I am pretty sure there are people who, after reading my daughter's article, still think that way, especially as she herself confessed that at that time, she was in a spaghetti-strap top and she had made her perpetrator angry. That's partly why I asked her to reconsider going public because 1 more 'rape survivor' story isn't going to change society's attitudes. Even if I were to add my own story of how my landlord's son did things to me in the dark when I was 8 years old which certainly qualifies as sexual assault, (if only I knew what that was way back then), it's merely another 'statistic'.
She chose to speak up anyway, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I respect and understand where she is coming from. Because she is a woman and I am a woman, we share the same burdens of being the sex who gets blamed for everything. But we are totally different in our approaches to these burdens. My daughter's feminism is personal and political as she puts it. So she fights tooth-and-nail for freedom and emancipation of women in a very public way.
Mine is personal and spiritual. I cannot divorce my womanhood from what I believe God designed it to be, which is to complement and complete man, the other human being that God created first. Before all the feminists and women's NGOs throw rocks at me, please note I didn't say to be subdued or controlled by man. As far as I understand it, it’s not about who is superior or inferior, but about bringing out the best in each other. If we would believe God's perfect intent was and still is to have both man and woman love and be loved by Him and by each other, then any attempt to 'fix' problems in human relationship must involve all 3 parties. Leaving aside God for the moment, feminism must involve the other half of the equation - man. Indeed as much as women object that men always blame them, by the same token, why do we women always blame men for 'control' issues - men rape because they lust (ie lack of control) or they want power (ie they want control). So whose fault is it? Well, as my girl aptly puts it, ultimately it shouldn't matter, what matters is rape is wrong. Full stop.
Having said that, what can be done to stop the wrong? We are talking about deeply-rooted male versus female perceptions and attitudes towards each other. But surely, feminism isn't, shouldn't be, about women fighting for women against men . Where are the voices of the men who are supposed to protect, defend, honor and cherish their womenfolk - their moms, daughters, sisters, wives, grandmas, aunties, female friends? Aren't men and women supposed to be in 'it' - this journey called life - together? Well, that was how God meant it to be, and He used a very powerful 'glue' to bind both together. No, it's not sex. It's love and yes, it can involve sex as the highest expression of love in right relationship (ie marriage) between a single male and a single female for keeps. The world will not agree with that; but agreeing or disagreeing with God makes no difference to Him. We choose to differ at our peril.
When we leave out that kind of love from the sex, we get obsessed with only the sex part - any and every type of sex, whether by force or by consent. When we choose to live to please ourselves, whether it's a woman dressing or behaving any way she likes just because she is free to do so, or a man forcing himself on a woman because he is aroused by lust or power, we are each as selfish as the other person we accuse. We have all failed to love one another as we should because we all put our desires, our wants, our rights and our satisfaction first. We don't stop to consider the consequences of our actions on the other.
Love chooses not to exercise some rights so as not to stumble the weak, and honestly, sometimes aren't men the weaker sex, for all their bravado? What makes them so susceptible to certain female 'appendages', especially when exposed? Why must they wolf-whistle when a female form passes by? Is sex all they think about when they see a or any woman? You don't find women 'goo-gaa-ing' over men like that; if we do, I venture we are more subtle and discreet about it. I don’t know why men are ‘like that’, but I do recognize men are different from women; both sexes have unique strengths and weaknesses, both react differently to different stimuli. I hasten to add that in no way excuses violence.
Perhaps remembering and believing that both man and woman are fearfully wonderfully made for each other will enable the love to flow again, and we can then behave with dignity and respect towards one another, as each deserves from the other. An idealistic notion? Why is it impossible to believe God’s truth that love never fails and act on that belief, so that the world can be a better place, for both sexes? After all, we have tried everything else, and failed, anyway.
Published MMO 3/3/15
No comments:
Post a Comment