When Tears Fall

I cried openly that Saturday, in full view of some of the 'streeties' who were busy wolfing down the chicken rice we had just served. Couldn't help it, as I was overwhelmed how God answers seemingly impossible prayers. I faced old Sang Pak after almost 2 years of absence; in fact I  had given up hope of ever seeing him again because the last I saw him at our street-feeding alley, he was in much pain with horribly swollen legs due to his diabetic condition. He was shaking his head, kept repeating there was no hope and talked unceasingly of dying. He had been coming every Saturday for as long as I started serving there; and that's a long time, stretching over some 7 or 8 years at least. I had prayed often for him. Shared with him countless times regarding the love of Christ. But he had steadfastly refused to believe. The most he would do was ask me to pray for him, say Amen after I prayed and the next minute moan that he was going to die. One day he simply stopped coming. Another old Christian uncle who was quite close to him mentioned he heard Sang Pak was in very bad shape and confined to bed. But he didn't know where his home was. So we could only pray together that somehow God would find Sang Pak.

About 2 months back this uncle told me he had seen Sang Pak in another feeding place. I was glad at least he was still alive and urged him to share once again the love of Christ to the old man whilst there still was time. A couple of weeks later came even better news; Sang Pak had finally chosen to believe in Jesus. Nothing could make me happier, tho I did make a little request of God - that I would get to hear it from the horses' mouth. And I did. Sang Pak showed up. His legs were still swollen. But he nodded his head when I asked if he now knew Jesus. And he pointed straight up with a smile when I asked him where he would go should he die. I think he was about to cry himself when I told him I had waited very long to hear him say he believed. He spoke of lingering pain in his legs; but gone was the tone of hopeless despair of the past. In its place was a 'settled-ness', a deep assurance in the heart that he knows when his time on earth is up, he will be moving into his new 'home' where there is no pain, no sorrow, no tears.....and definitely no swollen legs. We laughed over that one as I wiped my eyes.

But mine were not the only eyes which shed tears that afternoon. The makan was over and people were  already walking out. I greeted a long-haired lanky man as he stood up from his seat. With his jacket and long chain trailing down his neck, he looked like some 'has-been' rock star. He told me his wife who had just delivered a son was down south with his mother-in-law. I congratulated him, asked him what he was doing. We exchanged views about God, his and mine. And then without any warning whatsoever, he started crying. I was taken aback. One minute we were talking about the innate sin of all mankind against God and the next he was in tears. A grown man crying. But in hind-sight I guess I shouldn't be surprised. God has a way of touching hearts at the oddest and most unexpected times.

Then everything spilled out. His wife and son were in hospital, the latter in ICU vomiting blood. He was in a mess; into drugs and now into alcohol. In between sobs, he said he was angry with God for afflicting his family; he would willingly take on their suffering anytime. I could relate to that very well; I have often asked to die in my husband's place instead of watching him slowly torturously physically eaten up by the cancer. We all have tough questions to ask God; and sometimes it seems He doesn't answer; or perhaps more accurately His answer doesn't satisfy us. Suffering can either draw us closer to God or cause us to totally reject Him because we don't understand or like what He is teaching us through it. I told the man I got angry with God too.

And then I told him the story of Jesus who suffered more than anyone can ever suffer; how an event that seemed so horrible - dying on a cross - could turn out to be so good - for the salvation of mankind. Just so, my husband's suffering had brought about a much higher good; as we both found the one and only true living God in precisely those moments of pain, heartache and despair. But this is something I only came to appreciate after having gone through the suffering; indeed it is the most precious gift of His grace which death can never snatch away from all who believe. The problem is we tend to assume God is being cruel when He is being kind.

I don't know how much the man understood or appreciated what I said, the wounds in his heart had cut deep. But at least he understood the prayer of healing and peace I prayed for him, his wife and new-born son. And at least I have left him with the name of Jesus, that is the source of all comfort. I like to think somehow God who has stirred his tears will complete the work of stirring his heart to believe in an all-knowing, all-wise God who has promised to take believers through any and all suffering; even right through the valley of the shadow of death, despite His not removing it. 

Like has been so aptly put, the important thing is not to be healed from bodily sickness but to be saved from hell, since ultimately all bodies will die anyway. If I can only believe in God when He answers my questions satisfactorily with proof or if I reject God just because He doesn't take away suffering, I am actually putting myself above Him and demanding He do what I want. And that's a most arrogant presumption; it presupposes I know better than my Creator. Actually, if God were to grant us a smooth-sailing, trouble-free life as we all wish for, He's only as good as a Santa Claus handing out presents we desire in our own human selfishness and greed. But life isn't about what we want; it's about God giving us His best. Perhaps suffering is the only way humans can experience how faithful and good God really is; if we choose to believe there is a God who also suffered to the point of dying, all for our sakes, so we needn't suffer anymore when we die.

When we believe Jesus saves, we don't stop crying; the tears still fall. But we cry, not despairing; we cry hanging onto and trusting the God whom we believe knows best. Whatever doubts we may have about God, we know for a fact He loves because He sent Jesus to endure the greatest suffering on earth for us. And because Jesus rose again, we can be sure all our suffering has an eternal purpose which will be worked out for our ultimate good, though our human eyes cannot see, our human mind cannot understand and our human hearts cannot appreciate the bigger picture.


God isn't obliged to answer our why's and wherefore's. Come to think of it, God never answered Jesus when in the agony of His crucifixion, He shouted out, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46). I already have a list of unanswered questions I want to ask God when I see Him in heaven one day. But anyhow I know it's not because He doesn't love or care about us. It's also not that He can't do anything about it. I have come to realize it's because He simply wants us to trust Him. If we can't or won't do that, we will never experience God's reality and power in a world which will always be full of suffering, in which case we end up suffering.... meaninglessly. Then it becomes such a waste of tears, a waste of life....

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." - Romans 5:3-5