When Living a Good Life Isn't Good Enough

What's there to say, when all and more has been said. There are no words that can describe broken hearts. Tributes, memorials, prayers. They don't, they can't take away the pain; they aren't meant to. They are just  outward expressions of an inward grief that goes too deep to assuage. There are many questions, but few, if any, answers especially to the question, Why? Worse, for Malaysia, it's not just Why, but Why...again? MH370, MH17...Deja vu. A nation shaken to its core.

Bad enough that despite all the political sloganeering, we are still, in fact more, divided than ever as a people under 1 sun; what with all sorts of acrimonious spats over race and/or religion happening every other day. We proudly proclaim ourselves 1Malaysian, yet we can't seem to stop being petty with one another. Aren't we sick and tired of calling each other names yet? Why must we curse or condemn others for being of a certain race, just because we don't agree with someone else's ideology or faith? Is there such a thing as a 'wrong' race? In the first place, how does one avoid being born of a certain race, right or wrong? If I still remember correctly the biology I was taught years ago in high school, no matter what race anyone happens to be, all of us are classified under only 1 species and that's homo sapiens.

The litany of woes doesn't seem to stop. How many years running has the Auditor-General repeatedly flagged wastage, negligence and malpractice in the usage of public funds? And let's not even start on corruption issues. What about the rape, pillage and pollution of this beautiful land's resources - the forests, rivers and natural habitats? And now 2 horrific disasters happening 131 days apart (the former yet unsolved) involving an airline, which once used to be touted as the pride of the nation, MH -Malaysian Hospitality at its best. Why are so many 'bad' things happening to and in Malaysia? Coincidence? Fate? Bad luck? Heck, some people even blame God.

Perhaps more than just pointing fingers, as someone remarked, it should be a wake-up call that we look inward into our own hearts to examine ourselves and what we have become really, as a nation. Must it take another national tragedy before we can unite as truly 1Malaysian grieving together because Malaysians (not this or that race) have died? What will it take before we are prepared to set aside all our differences? When will we recognize that all the politicking, polemics and posturing get us nowhere except all upset and angry with one another? How childish we are, trying to score brownie-points against each other in the infernal game of who is more entitled, more right, more to be respected, more this, more that. At the end of the day, when death strikes, we are not more or less than each other. All of us will stand on ground zero before the Most Holy and Most Righteous Judge and Creator of all, no matter what or whether we believe, for the truth of God isn't dependent on man. 

My daughter penned that death makes one more acutely aware of how we should treasure each passing moment of life and therefore make every moment count by loving those we care about whilst we still have breath to draw. I agree absolutely. But I don't want to stop there. Life certainly should be lived well and good. We all should care for and love others, but that shouldn't be limited to only those who care and love us back. As Jesus said, "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that  And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full." (Luke 32-34).

Love isn't supposed to distinguish between relationship, skin-color, age, gender or social status. Life isn't meant to be lived in a cocoon of self-satisfaction and self-glory. And a good life isn't all there is to living, likewise living a good life isn't good enough, at least not for me. A day after the news of MH17 broke, I found myself attending 2 funeral wakes consecutively over 2 nites. Both were unexpected deaths in the sense that there were no protracted or terminal sicknesses to deal with, no indication that their 'time' was up.

Actually even if death is 'expected' as a matter of course, it's always unwelcome and still shocks those left behind. Even for Christians who are taught that death is really not the end, but the beginning of a perfect new life with the God who loves us so much He has prepared a beautiful eternity for us. Still we cry. Still we grieve. A permanent line is drawn between the living and the dead, over which there can be no crossing. And that hurts...awfully. We don't understand the 'why's, or even if we do understand, we find it very difficult to accept that we are not in control of our lives, that anything can happen to anyone of us anytime.

Death is gut-wrenching, heart-breaking no matter what the circumstances. But it also serves to jolt our senses to remember certain inescapable truths about life and about God. That there really is limited time for us to love one another, so we shouldn't waste it on fighting against each other. That we must live useful, productive and meaningful ie 'good' lives on earth. You don't have to believe God exists to live a good life.  But beyond that, there is still another greater truth; that death doesn't end for those who believe there is more than good.

Christian funerals always remind me of this hope I retain deep in my heart. As the old hymn puts it: " And I don't worry about the future, Cause I know what Jesus said, And today I'm gonna walk right beside Him, Cause He's the one who knows what is ahead...There are many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand...But I know Who holds tomorrow...And I know Who holds my hand.." That know-ing is the only thing which comforts the soul in the face of death, when there are no answers after living a good life.

 

"...we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope" 1 Thessalonians 4:13

Learning Nothing but Hate

"From humans, Koba learnt hate and nothing else"...it was just a line made up for a movie plot but it stuck in my heart. What a sad indictment if hate is really the only thing humans are capable of teaching. As I sat through The Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, with apes spilling all over the screen, strangely I felt like I wasn't watching intelligent apes but humans aping around. There were chimps, orang utans, gorillas running, jumping, swinging, growling all throughout but to my mind, they were really parodies of human nature on display.

Caesar, who mouthed that profound pronouncement, was obviously star of the show and King of the pack; strong, authoritative, wise like all great leaders should be, retaining just that right touch of vulnerability to trust even those who had brutally hurt and tortured his kind. His son personified the yet-to-grow-up uncertainty of youth trying to flex muscles and blundering through rash decisions. And there was Koba, the perfect archetype of a hate-filled rebel whose war-cry is revenge at all costs. The rest looked suspiciously like humans of the mob-mentality kind simply following the megalomaniac who brandishes a weapon and shouts the loudest, either because they are deceived by the posturing or they fear being branded as traitors to their cause or they just fear. Of course there are a minority who still retain some semblance of loyalty but these who dare to stick to principles suffer a price - they get caged up like animals. What a delicious irony. Now just who is the animal and who is the human?

Actually I felt sad as I watched the showdown unfold. The story was about apes attacking humans. But the way the apes carried on was exactly the way humans carry on. When trust is betrayed. When wrong things are done in the name of science (substitute that with religion, presumptions, assumptions....) When anger is stoked by emotion, justified or unjustified. When deep-rooted prejudices of 'we' vs 'them' surface. When revenge over past unresolved issues boil over. When power is the name of the game. When might becomes right. In the finale when a dangling Koba pleads "Ape not kill apes", Caesar looks him straight in the eye with a final rejoinder of truth before letting him fall to his death, " You (Koba) are no ape..." I wonder did anyone catch the implied meaning alluded to - that Koba wasn't fit enough to be considered an ape, rather he was behaving like a human, and a lousy one at that.  Ouch. Not very complimentary is it.

But if we are honest with ourselves, isn't that how we are? Humans are humans' worst enemies. We are the only species who kill each other - and it's not even over survival.  We can even kill for fun. And we can kill without any weapons - words can do the job equally well too. We raise up invisible walls of division to protect 'our' religion, race, rights, whatever. Even if we don't outrightly condemn, we look down on others silently in our hearts. We rail against people whose opinions differ from ours. We always assume we are superiorily right and all others automatically wrong. We are ever so quick to castigate, recriminate, and remonstrate. 

We can be such superficial creatures, thinking some nicely-drafted acronyms are all that's needed to unite everyone as 1 big happy family. We don't want to deal with the deep underlying fissures that's engraved into our psyches for centuries, because well, it's easier to just organize some colorful parade of everyone smiling and cutesy pictures blown up on billboards. Throw in some jazzy songs about unity and a couple of heart-stirring adverts come festival time to get us all 'in the mood' till the next festival comes around and we trot out some more of the same old nostalgic stuff. 

Call me a cynical wet-blanket, but really, after all that is said and done, are we any nearer to loving each other as ourselves?? Are we willing to forego our precious rights for the sake of preserving peaceful co-existence in the midst of differences? Would we back down and turn the other cheek when provoked? Can we be like Caesar who cares so deeply about home, family, future, all the things that are dear to his heart, but yet he would rather not fight? Or are we Koba; giving rein to baser instincts of violent retaliation because the enemy is something only fit to be annihilated, not reconciled with. How fitting that Caesar should conclude, "Koba still in a cage".. we are prisoners of what's in our hearts, whether it be love or hate, forgiveness or vengeance, peace or chaos. And it's by our own choice.

The movie wasn't about apes, it's about me, and you. At the end when Caesar remarks, "It's too late, we apes started it..the war has begun", I was thinking how true, it's humans who start wars. More than 2000 years ago, Apostle James already put his finger on the pie, when he penned this in the Bible, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight" (James 4:1-2).

He was talking about humans, not apes. Do we have what it takes to put down the beast in us?

(Published Malay Mail Online 22/7/14) 

The Thing About Forgiveness

He was in the wrong. She had right of way. And he banged her car. So she got angry, justifiably so, no? The problem was she went beyond angry, to simply mad by verbally abusing the old man and physically whacking his car. Was that right? Of course not. Says who? Says everybody  who knows her response isn't appropriate to his offense. How do we know that? Duh. Because.

By now everyone must have read or heard about the Kuantan road bully who ended up being mauled on social media for her attack on a mild old man who as it turned out, refused to lodge a police report against her and instead chose to forgive and forget the whole ugly episode, even after he was fined for traffic violation for not giving her right-of-way. But that's not fair, is it? Which part isn't fair? That he was fined for causing an accident? That's the law, and he broke it, so it's only right he be fined. That she retaliated in anger? But that's only to be expected - it's normal human reaction to protect your precious property; he bumped into her car. That she ended up being investigated for criminal intimidation? Well, reasonably speaking, as much as he was fined, so should she be punished .

But instead of demanding his pound of flesh,  the one who was wrong and then was wronged (I know that's horrible grammar) was magnanimous. He forgave. I got to musing on this thing about forgiveness. Where does it come from? A human being's natural instinct is to defend, protect and promote self, especially when we just know we are in the right. So in the name of our 'rights', we insist we can speak, write or do anything, even if it's offensive, insensitive, or downright dumb....ok we all have a right to be wrong or dumb or both. But when the wrong or dumb things we do affect others, justice demands retribution and restituition.  That's the ancient law - an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. It would have been the most natural and understandable thing for 'uncle' to sue the pants (or skirt) off the lady, figuratively speaking. That should teach her a lesson, right. But he declined to exact his dues. Just where did the forgiveness thing come from?

It's not natural; look at kids; no one has to teach them about protecting their 'turf' or toys. A baby's natural instinct is to grab, not release; it's easier to take than to give away...our time, money, life. We demand the piece of cake, the pound of flesh due to us - that's natural. We defend all sorts of rights we (think we) are entitled to by virtue of law, religion or whatever.  But forgiveness goes against the grain the other way; we let go, we give up and give away...now that isn't natural; it's supernatural.  The old uncle said it as much, attributing it to his Catholic faith in a God who forgives. Well, perhaps atheists would argue it's nothing to do with God, it's all in man's innate sense of morality. Hmmm, where did morality come from?  If its innate, how come your morality can be different from mine, and how come it can be the same between people from different continents? What inside us makes us all agree murder is wrong, with or without law, with or without God? The X,Y,Z gene? Hormones? How come some people can forgive so easily and others bear a grudge so long and so hard it makes them literally sick ? Why in the first place should I forgive those who wrong me? That's unjust, not fair.     

Yep, I agree totally. In fact that's why a God who is all just would have to punish sinners.  It's only fair those who do wrong according to His most holy and perfect standard have to face the consequences of  His judgment. And that in effect spells disaster for the entire human race, since all have sinned and deserve condemnation. Oh, we try all sorts of stuff to 'be good'. Even atheists agree people should all be as good as we can be; to live and let live (even though I wonder why bother,  since it would make absolutely no difference if they are correct that there is no God, and every body just gets eaten up by maggots end of the day, but I digress...)

Yet this thing called forgiveness chooses not to insist on implementing rights but instead to exercise unmerited grace and extend undeserved mercy . Such a concept can only come from without, not within man. It's source isn't in a religious rule. It's exercised not because it happens to be a holy month. Nor is it to be reserved only for people of a certain skin-color, gender or ethnicity. The ultimate source of forgiveness flowed from God who first forgave sinful man because He is also the God who loves. In love, He forgave, and yet never compromised His justice. He simply shifted it from the shoulders of guilty man to the shoulders of One guiltlessly pure. One absolutely innocent most holy, most righteous bore the punishment of death meant for my sin, your sin, the world's sin against God. On the cross Jesus Christ died for something He never was guilty of . Absolutely unfair, absolutely crazy.

What a cruel God; how could He allow someone to die and let the guilty ones (that's you and I, by the way) escape the hell that's meant for sinners? He could because it was Himself crucified for us. The pound of flesh exacted wasn't ours; it was His very own. A concept so mind-boggling finite man with his puny little brain and a heart so prone to wander will never ever understand. Love Divine so extravagant, that can't be explained, can't be rationalised; that can only be received with the humility and gratefulness of a convicted heart that recognizes the ultimate freedom isn't in insisting on our rights, but in surrendering them.

 Jesus' last words as He died on the cross were 'Forgive them for they do not know what they do." (Luke 23:34) I first thought He meant the 'bad guys'  - Judas, the follower who betrayed Him to His enemies, the religious authorities who considered Him a threat, the Roman executioners who hung Him. But on deeper reading, I realized it wasn't just them, it wasn't just then 2000 years ago. Today we are the ones who know not what we do. We are the ones still trumpeting and parading our rights when we are so wrong before God.  We defend 'our'  freedom to live the way we want, the way we choose, intentionally or unintentionally conveniently forgetting the One who gave us that freedom in the first place.

Indeed we know not what we do when in the exercise of a God-given right,  we choose to reject God's  great love manifested in 1 momentous sacrifice, effected for all time for all people. On the cross, where Jesus hung, both God's love and God's judgment was perfected . The thing about forgiveness isn't  how great we are in being so right  but how great God is in being so gracious and merciful. That Jesus should die for such as us, so that those who believe may live forgiven. And as He was risen, so that being forgiven, we may live forgiving. 

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" - Ephesians 4:32

Beautiful Creatures, Precious Souls

Talk about adventure. It was supposed to be just another family vacation. We had booked Sandakan on a whim, as a change from the old 'sand, sun and sea' routine. My ever efficient eldest princess had done all the research, and it sounded pretty interesting with river cruises, exotic animals and a turtle island to boot. Air Asia was also offering special promos for the route. Besides I figured it's local and so should be a cheaper bargain. But as it turned out, when we got down to the nitty-gritty calculating dollar and cents, it wasn't cheap. Plus we almost didn't make it; as both no. 2 and no. 3 kids came down with dengue, directly one after the other. Up to the day of departure the boy had done only 1 blood-test which revealed a slightly low platelet count, but riding on the prayers of many saints which were upholding our family in support, I decided we would go anyway, in faith.

So it was a free-n-easy-make-it-up-as-we-go kinda thing; with a very basic plan to spend 1 nite in town, 1 nite in the forest, 1 nite by the river and 1 nite experiencing the comfort of. 5-star hotel after all that gallivanting around. We figured we could forego the turtle tingy, as it cost a bomb; after all there are turtles in our own 'back-yard' in Rantau Abang, Trengganu. Thus the first day was spent exploring the town and discovering that walking around is actually quite easy; so were catching taxis, tho they don't go on meter rates. But the cab drivers were all chatty and informative; and tho they complained about police mounting road-blocks, they accommodated taking in 5 of us anyway. As it is, we passed right by a group of policemen at a roundabout on one outing - they never batted an eyelid at our taxi. On all our other taxi-trips, there wasn't even a shadow of a policeman. Coincidence? Luck? I call it simply divine favor.

Day 2 was when angels came a-calling, or at least that's how I look at it. My eldest had mistakenly taken us on a very long walk in the wrong direction. We were supposed to catch the famous sun bears and orang utans of Sepilok which was just 5 mins walk from our jungle chalet. But when right becomes left, north becomes south, a 5 mins walk can stretch into a very hot and endless trip. There would have been no way we could walk all the way back 2.1 km in time for the feeding of the animals, which is the highlight of the sanctuary. And if we missed that, we would have wasted our trip there, since we didn't have the luxury of staying on another day. But as we trudged along, literally out of nowhere along the deserted country road, there emerged a nice big MPV bearing of all things a KL number plate. The driver was going  the opposite way but on seeing my 2 lasses walking along all by themselves (we 'oldies' were slowly catching up from behind),  he actually u-turned, stopped to wait and drove us all the way back in the right direction - yes, precisely just in time for us to see the sun-bears and orang utans come out to feed.  And what a show it was. Truly there is nothing like seeing the 'real' animals up close and personal, not enclosed in some big cage, but right there in the freedom of their natural habitat. 
The next morning was another walkout to the rainforest centre which is famed for its many species of birds. Honestly none of us are into birds, and all we could see was just trees and more trees. But there were indeed many serious bird-watchers in attendance, fully equipped with high-powered binoculars, gigantic zoom cameras, and super-sophisticated sonar equipment that could even pick up the sound of rustling wind. We felt like the amateurs we were; and just as I was mentally writing this off as a no-gainer, lo and behold, my boy spotted a snake in the grass. Yea man, a real snake with head held up high. That certainly made all the trail-walking worthwhile.

  Because of the distances and logistics of transporting a family of five, we decided  to rent a car for our next leg. And it was well worth it, as we journeyed further out of Sandakan on day 3 to watch the unique long-nose Probisis and black Lagur monkeys in Labuk Bay. It was an amazing sight, the Lagurs were so tame hordes of them just came right out of the forest to wander around us humans. But the best was the last leg which took us about 3 hrs drive to Kinabatangan, right to the river edge. It's the 2nd longest river in M'sia and apparently teeming with wild life. Our boat-man had whetted our anticipation about seeing Pygmy elephants, but we knew there was a possibility we could end up seeing nothing but muddy water and more trees for 2 odd hours. As the evening wore on and although we were amply rewarded with sightings of all sorts of monkeys and even the hard-to-catch hornbills in action in the forest, with still no sight of any elephants on our return cruise, I was praying very hard that God would show us even just a little glimpse of an elephant tail. Well, He gave me much more than my little request.... Not a tail, not 1, but 3 oh-sooo-cute elephants swimming, playing in the waters, munching grass without so much as flapping an ear at the 4,5 boats of gawking humans all clicking their cameras and taking selfies to post up on Fb straight away.  Like I said, nothing but the real thing....

And nothing like nature's wonders whether it is living breathing bears, jumping monkeys, a slithering snake,  frolicking elephants, nodding flowers of every hue, leaves of every shape, the perfect symmetry of the reflection of the forest in still waters or even the majestic vastness of the sea stretching out beyond my hotel room is enough to make me conscious of the smallness of man and the awesomeness of a Master Creator behind everything on earth. But all these - wonderful as they are - actually cannot match what I can only term  as those poignant moments of significance which can only happen with humans. 

Like 'spying' a man on a rooftop from my hotel room, watching him tend to his pet cockerel ever so lovingly. I had noticed the cockerel in its cage, shielded by reflective foil from the hot afternoon sun. The next morning, there was the owner, repositioning the cage in another area to avoid the morning sun this time. I watched him washing and then carefully piling up at least 3 layers on top of the cage for protection. Then he caught hold of the wandering cockerel and brushed its feathers; I am sure he must have been crooning bird-songs to it the way he was holding it ever so lovingly. Then he did a funny thing; he literally lifted it up by its wings, and there it hung in his arms, its legs furiously dancing on air. I guess that must be the owner's way of exercising and strengthening its muscles.

As he put it back gently into the cage which had been prepared beforehand, I was suddenly reminded that's exactly how wonderfully, tenderly, lovingly and fully my Abba Father in heaven cares for me. From providing all my physical needs, not just putting a roof over my head, but shielding me from the 'hot' stuff that threaten to burn me up, re-positioning my life to be centered in His good and perfect will, cleansing me from all my dirt (sin), even down to 'exercising' me through trials and tribulation to 'stretch' and grow me up. And best of all, preparing a beautiful home in eternity for me.... 

It absolutely boggles my mind that the God of the universe should so love me. And nothing could bring this truth home more than the nite the tyre punctured. I was driving pretty fast back to Sandakan after our river cruise, as we didn't fancy being charged foreign tourist's rates for a B&B stay in a kampung hut. The road was narrow and pitch-dark. I hit a very deep pot-hole which punctured the front tyre very badly, denting the rim all out of shape. My poor brother had to sweat it out by the light of a hand-phone to change the spare.  We had been on the road 3 hours, had no booking for the nite, and the GPS was leading us in merry-go-rounds. Till I spotted the bright signage of what I assumed was a hotel. Turned out it was a motel instead. My only idea of a motel is one garnered from watching re-runs of Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho". But actually this one was really very decent, clean and best of all, cheap - we got a family 'suite' for less than $200. Still my mind was already jumping ahead to tomorrow when we would have to return the rented car and pay the additional cost of a new tyre. I prayed, but I wasn't confident, being the 'Ye of little faith' type. 

Well, I reckon God decided He would show me a thing or two about prayers in seemingly impossible situations. The next morning, we went for breakfast whilst my brother scouted around for tyre shops. 1/2 hour later, he drove up in the car. The cost was a paltry $18.00; the mechanic didn't 'slaughter' us for a new tyre, but instead managed to whack back the rim and simply put in a new tube. But that wasn't quite the good ending - yet. It got better. By the light of day, we now noticed there was a bad U-shaped cut in the centre of the back bumper. We couldn't quite figure out how it got there, since the bumper itself wasn't dented or scratched in any other way but obviously there was no way this could be repaired, for the cut was deep into the metal. The car was due to be returned within the next hour. I started my desperado prayer for favor again. We were lunching when the man came to pick up the car. My brother went out to deal with him; within 5 minutes he was back - smiling. The man apparently had checked the car but didn't question anything about any cut. Could it really be that he missed what was so obvious? I dunno. All I know is my God is sooo gracious, especially to me....

As if such high favor wasn't enough,  He saved the best for last. As we were walking out from the restaurant, I innocently snapped a photo of an 80 year old lady sitting on her verandah. She smiled, started talking and I ended up leading her to the God of her salvation. My best reward was after praying for her, she said Halleluia. I hadn't mentioned that word at all in our 10 minute conversation. But she remembered it from when someone brought her to church a long time ago. Truly God gave me the honor of reaping where someone else had sown the seed into her open heart.

What a fabulous ending but again, it wasn't quite the end - yet, for God still had more to show me. As we sat waiting to board the plane back to KL, I noticed a hunch-back woman talking to my daughter. I had seen her the 1st evening we arrived, sitting on some stairs, with her bags, muttering to herself; obviously a  homeless wanderer. After so many years dealing with 'street' people, I know one when I see one. The announcement came for boarding; I purposely plopped myself in the empty chair beside the hunch-back, smiled at her and asked if she had eaten. Smiles and food never fail to break the ice. She shook her head. I asked God what next? He said to give her a fiver. I have learnt when God tells me to give to these people (which is rare, but it happens), I give and forget the questions. He knows what He is doing, even tho I don't. It's the final call for boarding. I press a $5 note into her hand, and ask her to call Jesus. She slurs her thanks and tells me she's gone to church before. I tell her to go again. She wrinkles her brow and asks me "Where?" I tell her again "Call Jesus" and I walk out of her life, but I am sure God won't; after all He just reminded her today He's very much alive.

Beautiful creatures, precious souls. More than a vacation, God took me on an adventure of faith;  not just to enjoy myself with the family, but to experience His presence in the very midst of daily living; so much that I don't need to see God to know He really is for real.

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands" -   Psalm 19:1 

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