One Long Battle

Will you have peace, or war?... When faced with death, what can anyone do?... We have only one question to answer: How shall this day end? ...

3 profound questions to ponder beyond The Hobbit's Battle of the 5 armies, finale in the series. If you are into movies just for the sake of movies, it can be quite a disappointment since reduced to its barest, Battle is just what its title suggests -  nothing but shots of war and more war, albeit quite spectacular ones. (At least it's got more than a fair share of handsome hunks to admire). Yet it is those deep questions posted by the various characters that redeemed the movie for me beyond the hyped-up action. That plus the most poignant accusation shot at a king by a banished female wood-elf “You have no love in your heart!”

Piece them altogether, and going beyond a 'mere' movie,  it seems to reflect the picture of the very fragile earth we live in where there are in fact many people who would choose war, not peace. News splash of horrible violence unleashed by man against man, worse still on children and women. It's not just the 'obviously bad' stuff like murder, kidnap and bombings; how about rampant tentacles of corruption, oppression and suppression of justice? What happened to equality, respect  and all those noble ideals which should be the right and inheritance of every human being, present and future generations included? How about the prejudices, attitudes, misconception, cultivated perception we harbor deep in our hearts against others which no one knows, which we ourselves don't realize? And don't even get started on the 'petty' things like just being decent to one another in our daily living with some measure of civility. 

Let's just admit it's us vs us.... mankind is guilty of atrocious behavior against one another. Just like dwarf-King Thorin finally realizes it's not about other people out to 'get' him, it's he himself who 'grew rotten', breaking his word and his honor because he was seduced by the glitter of gold and greed of power. They called it 'dragon disease', but really why blame the poor dragon. Who/what do we blame in this modern age for all the ills of society? - God, religion, government, systems, politics, the 'other'.... A weeping prophet puts it squarely, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) For all the progress we are making, perhaps we are actually regressing instead?

Death is a daily occurrence, and it's not just accidents, diseases or tragedies that kill, maim and destroy. We make war and deal death with our words and our actions upon one another, justifying everything we say or do in the name of this nebulous thing we call freedom. Could it be we are becoming a civilization that has no love in the heart for each other? Whilst we take such pride in mankind's achievements and boast so much of our clever little selves, have we lost touch with what really matters? If we have no love in our hearts for the humans that we can see, no wonder many don't, can't, won't love the God who is unseen. How will our days end, if we keep on this (self-ish) course? It shouldn't be a surprise really that what destroys human beings are other human beings.

Yet dark and depressing as such thoughts are, there is always light, if we would step into self-realization. Thorin does go to war, but dies a hero's death, opting to confront the evil which threatened his fellow creatures, be they dwarfs, elves or men. The cold elf-King Thranduil melts enough to respond with the truth to one who mourns the death of a lover, "If this is love, I don't want it. Take it away, please! Why does it hurt so much?" ... "Because it was real".

Yes, war and death is real, but so is love. The greatest force that can overcome all bad isn't sophisticated weaponry or high ideals of freedom. It is love, a love that hurts enough to care beyond self and to die for another person, a living breathing creature. Not for a cause, no matter how right or noble, because there is an inherent flaw in fighting for causes - we love whatever takes our fancy and causes are a pretty subjective thing, be it dogs, snakes, or freedom, which can be for good/bad considering one man's highest freedom could well be another man's bane.

But loving people can never be wrong, even if we are not loved in return. Because love is the only antidote for peace. Real love in tough action, not some nice soppy feel-good version; but the type that hurts and still cares anyway, because it's not focused on self, but purely on 'the other' person.
Early this morning I saw an interesting sight. The playground area around

which I jog had been a mess for some time, as they had dug up the whole place obviously to reconstruct a new one. But amidst the ugly rubble, there was this nicely piled-up triangular structure. Someone had taken the time and trouble to arrange and create something out of collapsed bricks. Maybe just for kicks, or for lack of something else better to do. Be that as it may, it spoke a message to me...

So it is that I want this last day of the year 2014 to end in hope - that out of old ruins, new structures can be rebuilt. Out of destruction there can come restoration. Out of death there can come life. Out of war, there can be peace and out of hate, there can be love. 2000 years ago, in the darkest hour of death, reviled by most, misunderstood by all, obedient to the will of God, Jesus hung on the cross; the manifestation of a perfect Love; and 3 days thereafter He emerged in the glorious victory of resurrected life. Love for God and love for others indeed never fails even if it's one long battle ahead.


"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 



Published MMO 31/12/2014

What Else is New

Someone sent me a Christmas greeting thru a Celine Dion song with some thought-provoking lyrics which went "....And so this is Christmas...what have you done ? ...another year over, a new 1 just begun..."  Life and death marches on in seemingly never-ending circles of time. So what else is new?

For so many years Christmas for me means going to a crowded church (the only time churches are  overflowing besides on Good Friday and Easter Sunday), singing nice Christmas songs, watching some nice feel-good drama about how Jesus turned someone's (usually miserable crisis-stricken) life around, and listening to another take about the old story of how Jesus Christ is the real reason for Christmas. Helping the Christmas chef - the eldest princess - cook her special brand of mushroom soup and ratatouille. Tucking into the roast turkey which comes courtesy of the generosity and love of a dear sister-in-Christ of mine. Looking over presents under the Christmas tree.  Nowadays add in the flood of Merry Christmas and Happy New Year greetings complete with obligatory postings of food and selfies over social media. 

I sit in church this Christmas day and as I steal glances at my kids, there's an ache in my heart. I remember how different it was when they were younger. In an old posting back in 2011 (here ) I talked about how I hoped they would carry the torch for their generations to come and my most constant prayer for them "isn't for riches or job security or a good life. Its just 1 thing, that they know, love and follow after Jesus Christ, the Lord their God" because that is the highest blessing, the most precious treasure. To this day I am still praying that prayer, and I figure I will still be praying it till my last breath on earth. 

I wonder what happened. I guess they grew up and grew out of God in the process of getting along in life in this world. Now I am just thankful they even deign to accompany their mom to church at all for just twice a year on Easter and Christmas day. Forget the rest of the God-stuff. This year I didn't even bother to put up the Christmas tree - in fact I wanted to donate it away - until no.2 princess asked about it, wanting it up just for the sake of having a place to put the presents. We have long stopped family devotions, sitting together after dinner reading and exploring the Bible and the only prayer I hear is a perfunctory grace said over the food if/when I am around (Even that needs to be reminded sometimes). This year I even forgot to take the traditional family photo gathered around that old tree. Well, at least we are still into presents.

Indeed so much has changed. Yet some things are still the same old same old.  Maybe that's why  we can get so blasé after a while. Let's be honest.  It must be tiresome for some people to keep hearing about Jesus Christ all the time, especially for those who have 'dropped out' of spiritual stuff and 'graduated' into the 'real' world. Especially since Jesus Christ could very well be just a humanly- exaggerated hero in some book written by some (fanatical, probably delusional) men,  since logically speaking, Jesus Christ is (admittedly) way too incredible to believe ...when it actually doesn't seem to matter whether or not there is a god in the first place, since whatever will happen will happen anyway....when we really don't need god or religion to live well....who's got time to get spiritual when we can do fine by, of and for ourselves.

Why bother with a god who's just going to put limits on my freedom to be 'me' - I am all that matters, to me. Sounds suspiciously like that old line sold to the first woman on earth, which has gotten the entire human race into endless trouble ever since- 'You will be like god' (Genesis 3:5) We don't even realize we have ended up worshiping ourselves.  Even if we do, so what's the big deal? Nothing wrong with crediting myself for the great job I have done on myself, for myself by myself . God has nothing to do with it or anything for that matter. The old mantra 'I don't need God' has been uttered ever since Eden. It still resounds ever louder in every generation as we grow smarter and life is so much better/easier/safer without the complication of having to deal with (mostly troublesome, unanswerable and quite useless) questions about god.

Let's get real - just look at what a mess the world is in. Actually we don't even need to look that far. Back in our own backyard, early in the year, Selangor was deep in the throes of a water crisis with near-empty dams affecting some 2 million folks in 300,00 households. Now the pendulum has swung to the other extreme with some 120,000 people (and still counting) forced out of their flooded homes because of unprecedented rainfall in 5 states. Then there was the dengue outbreak scare which recorded 600 cases in over just half a year. In my own family, 2 out of my 3 kids got infected. And surely no one can forget the horrible catastrophes of the 2 MAS planes. As if natural disasters, disease epidemics and national tragedies aren't enough, every other day we have some people of certain race or religion raising issues about some other people's race or religion. Not to mention violent crime is or seems to be increasing even as those who can afford it barricade themselves in  gated and guarded communities, and still many walk, drive or live in fear of getting mugged, robbed, raped, kidnapped or worse killed.

So what is the Almighty God doing about all this, that and the other evil, the wars  here, there, everywhere? Where is He in the midst of the homeless, destitute and dying? What's He doing about social injustice and sickos like suicide bombers or child paedophiles? Nothing, seemingly, for all the fervent prayers of the 'religious' winging up to heaven. Everything just goes to show there is no god, or at least no god worth believing in at any rate. He's totally irrelevant, no point wasting time even talking about Him, much less seeking Him.  I can well understand that point of view. Heck, sometimes even now after being thoroughly humbled by God 12 years ago, such thoughts still creep into my oh-so-clever analytical mind. And yes, I confess sometimes I wonder why I still keep on believing. It would be so easy (and sooo glib-Christian) to say 'You just need faith'. If only it were that easy or that simple. 

This Christmas Pastor was talking about how Jesus is Wonderful. As he spoke, I found myself asking, "Really"? Oh, sure I know all that (Christian) 'jazz' about heaven, hell, eternal life, love, joy and peace, and yes, I am very thankful and grateful I have all that through Him. But really really? Is Jesus just a feel-good tingling every now and then when I worship,  a certain hope that things will, must, get better in my life, in the world? Is He just that 'something' in my heart that 'simply knows' He can be trusted because He is (supposedly) good all the time every time and He knows best?

The answer came right in the middle of the service, as my 2nd princess was fiddling with her hand-phone. I was getting annoyed until she told me her bag which had been snatched from her 4 nites ago had been found in some bush by a stranger who had posted the whole thing up on our neighborhood fb page.  That night, she had taken a short-cut through a dark alley, as she walked back  alone from the shops near the house. Anything, in fact terrible things could have happened to her then when the motorcyclists attacked, but they only took her bag. She was physically unharmed apart from the shock of it all. That's already reason enough for me to thank God for protecting her from the worst things. Certainly none of us entertained any hope whatsoever that her bag would ever be found - much less with almost everything intact  - IC, driving license, cards, down to house key were all there; only the little cash she had in it was gone.

Just 'one of those things', coincidence, chance, fate, luck?  If it's so easy to accept such facile explanations , why is it so difficult to believe God?  Humanly speaking the odds of recovery were quite impossible. But God speaks a different language. I guess it's only when something happens out of the ordinary and expected, that I am once again jolted to remember there really is an extraordinary God.  As my brother prayed over Christmas dinner - how true it is - He is good, even when we don't realize or acknowledge Him. That's the wonder of Jesus, my God; He still works out good in spite of evil. He still loves us, in spite of our unloveliness, arrogance and unbelief. He still is in charge because He still is God.

And I guess that's why I still believe.

"The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in, From this time forth, and even forevermore" - Psalm 121:8

India 2014

Someone commented it's not easy to give up our creature comforts to do missions. I nod my head in agreement. That was when a little voice asked me, "If you think this is hard, what if I call you to give up all? To leave family, friends, job, home and country and settle in a strange land? Would you, could you?" I had to be honest to answer "God, I am sorry, I can't, at least not yet." Even though daily I can pray so glibly what apostle Paul said, " I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20)

We think the 'sacrifice' of our air-cons, soft beds, clean sheets and hot water baths are so so great already. Yet it's only temporary after all. We put up with it willingly because we know we are going home after 10 days and life will carry on as usual after that; so what's the big deal? It's really just 'touch-n-go', though we make it a point to return when we can. But with just that 1 question aimed straight at my heart, God showed me up for the hypocrite I am. People think I am so self-sacrificial and all, suffering inconveniences and hardship but really this is nothing compared to what Jesus did. He went all the way to the cross to die for the world. For that matter, compared to even just one of the 12 disciples of Jesus, what I do on every missions trip  is peanuts. 2000 years ago, 12 ordinary men dared to go everywhere and declare a risen Savior, losing their very lives in the process. The results of their faith are still shaking the entire world, for people are still arguing about Jesus Christ to this day. Me... I just get driven around a lot, preach a couple of sermons and pray. I am grateful I don't have to walk miles on foot like the disciples did in those days. I don't have to endure storms at sea, beatings, get stones thrown at me, burnt at the stake or hung upside-down on a cross. What I 'endure' on every missions trip is hardly worthy to be termed 'sacrifice'.

What is it about India that moves my heart to go back time and again? I don't know the language, except for a smattering of words. Apart from the food and the coffee, I can't say there is  anything I particularly like about India. The traffic can be horrendous, the cleanliness less than satisfactory - and that's coming from one who has already rather low standards on this issue, as anyone who knows me will know I can easily 'close 1 eye' to the dust and dirt in my own house. Every missions trip is a physical challenge. I don't sleep well during missions, because I take a long time to adjust to new surroundings. That plus long travels on narrow bumpy, winding and dark roads can be hard on the body. On every trip I see more of the poor, marginalized and destitute. I see despair, helplessness, tiredness, disease - broken bodies, spirits and souls. I know there is little we can do to alleviate the poverty or the pain or provide for all their needs. Yet something draws me to go, and go again.

Perhaps it's the sight of dirty little children with big bright eyes and white smiles who always gather around, ever curious about our obviously different skin and physical appearance. Perhaps it's looking into the sad eyes of old, scrawny ladies and men. Maybe it's watching that beggar with deformed claw hands hobbling on crippled legs knocking on windows of cars temporarily halted at traffic lights. Or it could be hearing the local pastor talk about adopting an orphan and another kid whose paralyzed mother lies immobile at a bus stop, dependent on the generosity of passers-by. Still we have this kind of people in Malaysia too, I am sure, anywhere in the world for that matter we will see 'this kind' if we care to look beyond the veneer of modern skyscrapers, luxury homes, shopping malls and fancy restaurants. Just wander around the villages, back alleys, abandoned buildings, under the bridges or bus/train stops. Like Jesus said, the poor we will always have with us....

We may not be able to do much and we may not stay long enough to see the results of our limited labor, but we trust that as we do what we can do, proclaiming the good news of the gospel, praying and ministering to the lost, sick and oppressed, God does what we can't. It's always been that way. When we are humbled enough to recognize the sheer enormity and impossibility of the task before us, then we appreciate the truth that it takes God to save and transform lives.

And He does. I was at a church which had started out years ago with a handful of believers in a cow-shed. It's now a decent brick building packed and running not one, but 4 services every Sunday. Simple folks who sit on the floor, enthusiastically clapping, singing, lifting their hands and their hearts to acknowledge a God who loves them, whose eyes shine with hope for a better tomorrow and beyond even though today may look so bad. Even the kids know how to praise, worship and pray. There is no need to expound complicated doctrines about the existence or sovereignty of God to convince them. No need to explain the unexplainable mysteries of personal encounters with and experiences of a very real God. The world calls it naivety, emotionalism, foolishness even, but those who know simply call it faith.  Words are just semantics; after all a rose by any other name is still a rose.

Perhaps that's why I keep going back...because every time I go, I see once again mega-doses of faith, hope and love in action.


"For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe....For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men... God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong, God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God." 1 Corinthians 1: 21, 25,27-29

For pix, click here

The New Super-Hero

There's a new super-hero in town. He's not handsome, not macho, has got lots more air than muscle and a stomach-pouch to boot. Even his name is less than inspiring....come on, what's Baymax supposed to mean? Still it's impossible not to love the white roly-poly blob of a robot with a heart who greets you with a "Hello, I am Baymax, your healthcare companion...On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?" A robot who 'learns' to fist-bump with his own unique 'signature' Balalalala wave of his fat fingers. A robot who tells a human that " It is okay to cry. Crying is a natural response to pain", whose only job apparently is to 'care' for your hurts, and finishes with a "Are you satisfied with your care? … I cannot deactivate until you say, “I am satisfied with my care."
What's there not to love about such a character? The animation is superb indeed although the story-line of a bunch of science nerds turned super-heroes to fight a super-villain isn't particularly earth-breaking ground. But the context of relationships being played out especially dealing with serious adult issues like death, loss, anger, justice and of course good old-fashioned love provided moments that tugged at the heart amidst the comedy and action.

Wouldn't it be nice to always have a personal 'carer' whose only thought is to ease your pain, be it an abrasion on the arm or a broken heart, who would literally go to the ends of the earth with you, do any and everything to ensure you live well, not minding self-sacrifice in the process? I don't know if science can invent such a 'carer' for suffering humanity. But I do know I have Someone better than a cute robot to give me 'warm marshmallow' hugs. I can't 'program' Him to scan my body, but He knows everything about me, inside and out anyway. I don't need to hide my pain or my mistakes. He forgives my sins, sets me free from my past and has got fantastic plans for my future to keep my body, spirit and soul healthy and well. What more can one ask? I can't solve the world's problems but I know He can, in His time in His ways. I may not agree with how He does things, but I know I can trust Him because His 'scanner' goes beyond anything I can ever see with my human eyes.

There is a scene where Baymax keeps on telling Hiro the protagonist that his dead brother is still 'here', but the kid denies it,  because the reality is death has robbed him of his dearly beloved brother; who as far as he is concerned is already 'gone' forever and will never come back. Indeed that is how things will always look like from our side of earth; death ends it all. But thankfully there is another side, which though unseen is equally real. It is the side of victory that has conquered the seeming invincibility, meaninglessness and despair of death. It doesn't depend on any hi-tech device inplanted into an impersonal machine but on a promise that is secured by the precious blood of Someone who died for the sake of all mankind and rose again to assure us there is always something more. An empty cross and an empty tomb spells a certain hope of a glorious eternal life beyond the grave. This is the God who has promised to never leave nor forsake us. His very name 'Emmanuel' - meaning God with us - says it well; He is indeed 'here' for us all the time, every time, if we care to acknowledge Him. 

Hiro finally understood that his brother strove so hard to invent Baymax simply to care and help those in pain, not to destroy or kill, no matter what the justification or provocation. God didn't program a machine to deal with our pain of certain death and judgement. He sent a very humane Jesus Christ to love, heal and save helpless and hopeless humans. Not a fictional super-hero that came out of the pages of a comic-book but a living breathing super-awesome God straight from heaven. When will we understand?

"For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him" - John 3:17

The Tears of God

The older I get, the more easily I cry. I wonder, am I getting more maudlin, emotional or sentimental with age or what ? Is it hormones, menopause… or maybe, just maybe, could it be I am being 'tenderized' by God's own hand upon my heart?

It's one thing when the tears come in the privacy of my own room, as when I am banging on heaven's door in prayer or lost in worship, but it's quite another when the flood threatens to overflow in front of about 100 pairs of eyes riveted on me...curious eyes, bored eyes, shifty eyes, still very public eyes nevertheless. I swallowed hard to try to keep my voice from breaking as I confessed my regret in hurting an old uncle who had been a 'regular' at the street-feeding alley ever since I could remember. I had expressed disappointment  over something he did that I didn't like. My words had cut another human heart, words I could never stuff back into my mouth. Words that no matter how many sorry's I say could never take away the sting of pain. The worse part was I never got to say sorry to uncle J. He just disappeared.

Then I realized the tears that were welling up weren't just for this 1 person. They were for each and everyone of the people seated before me, faces familiar and unfamiliar, all with their own stories. What I felt wasn't mere ‘feeling’- after all I have been serving these 'dregs of society' for so many umpteen years of Saturdays, heard so many umpteen sob-stories, seen some of what must qualify as the hardest, baddest, most disgraceful, most shameless people on this side of earth.  Logically speaking my heart should have been hardened as a rock already...seen this, done that, been there...

Yet what gripped me as I extended God's invitation, to "Come! Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life" (Revelation 22:17),  wasn't personal gushy sentiment but the very emotion of God Himself,  who regrets how many would not hear, or having heard, would still choose not to believe. God regrets because when mankind chooses of his own free will to reject His offer, they are the ultimate losers, not Him. And the loss is horribly irremediably eternal if we insist on going our own way, because He knows it leads all the way to hell. I have oft prayed to know the heart-beat of God; that afternoon  I understood what Jesus meant as He looked over a crowd of 5000 men and many more women and children who had gathered on a hill-top, all hungry, tired, sick and without hope, as He “saw much people, and was moved with compassion toward them, because they were as sheep not having a shepherd (Mark 6:34)  The root word ‘compassion’ apparently goes beyond mere pity; it literally means the bowels are moved, as bowels were thought to be the seat of pity – and most significantly love. 

After I ended the message, I moved off to catch a breath of wind and compose myself . That was when I saw him grappling with a chicken wing, the plate balanced precariously on one lap, his stroke-impaired useless arm resting on the other. I was in half  a mind to go over and help to at least peel the chicken for him, but he was already tearing into it with his mouth and his 1 good hand. So I watched him from the sidelines. I had prayed for R a couple of times. As he finished up the lunch, I trotted over and sat down to chat. He murmured about how tough it was to keep believing God when nothing in his life seemed to work, like his useless hand and leg. And there it was again – that stirring in my heart -  only this time there was no holding back the tears...I started to cry. Man, I should be so embarrassed.

But strangely I wasn't; because I just knew the tears that flowed out of my eyes were not from me. As I listened to R tell his story of a life that seems to have given up on him, I knew it wasn't my heart but Jesus' heart that was breaking . And I remembered the shortest most compact most exquisitely meaningful line in the Bible 'Jesus wept', when He acknowledged the death of His friend Lazarus (John 11:35). I think R was somewhat shocked to see the tears. So I told him the simple truth, that God was crying for him, because He understood. Now it was R's eyes which suddenly filled up with tears. And so we cried together as I prayed once again for the grace, healing and strength of God upon my brother, to be set free from the sin that he himself admitted was still jamming up his life.

But what kind of God would cry? Isn't God supposed to be all-powerful, all mighty blah blah blah? What good is a god who cries and is seemingly powerless to help, prevent or solve all of mankind’s  problems? Why believe or pray when heaven is silent, when there are no sensible, logical or even any answers to life's tough questions? ...Because here is a God who is not ashamed to show His love in the most empathetic form of human expression - tears. When no words can comfort an aching heart, when grief overcomes even the stoutest, when life is reduced to the emptiness of the same old, same old thing day in day out, year in year out....God weeps for what could have been…. if only we would let Him be all He wants to be to us….if only we would turn around to face Him and do things His way… If only…..

The saying goes 'Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone. That may be true of man, but that is not true of my God. Here is a picture of how deeply God loves us – He weeps for every man and woman,  because we have so so 'lost it' all.  He weeps that we who are created so beautifully and wonderfully in His own image, destined for a purpose so high we could never imagine or even ask for ourselves, would actually prefer to settle for something so much less than what He had originally designed humans and life to be. As C.S. Lewis put it, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

A God who weeps not because He is weak or powerless to act, but because we choose not to believe He can. But (thank God for the “but’s”) even then, despite and in spite of us, He is merciful….So it is as after I wave R off, I sit down near the doctor’s station as he is attending to the last few patients, a young man plops down beside me. 1 hand was missing a finger, there were horrible scars on his legs and arms, evidence of a bad injury. And he starts, “Aunty, just now you talk about regrets in life…” Inside I am still numb, and I am thinking, “Lord, not another sob-story to make me cry…again?”  I listen to M telling how he blew $120k of an insurance pay-out claim for his accident on relatives, friends, who and what-nots, ending up broke, betrayed, divorced, bitter, hurt and homeless. It may not be exactly the same story, but anyone who is still breathing has or will have something similar to tell sooner or later. A story to cry over.

But (like I said, thank God for the “but’s”) that afternoon a broken heart found the antidote for his pain, not in a human doctor’s pills but in the hands of a compassionate, loving merciful Savior. When we finished praying, the light in his eyes and the joy in his voice were evident. A precious moment to cry over.

Sure, anyone can scoff and write it off as emotional manipulation, self or other-induced psychological response to situational crises. But (there’s that word again) for those who ‘know’, we know it is real. Nothing in human terms can adequately explain what is essentially at heart a spiritual experience. Not a temporary ‘feel good’ fix-it band-aid religious crutch. Some never quite ‘catch’ it; they get disappointed after awhile because the initial ‘euphoria’ of God wears off and they are back to square one, wondering, “Is that all?” or worse they end up cursing God because He doesn’t quite live up to their expectations. Actually He isn't obliged to. 

There are lots of things in life and about God I don’t understand, but that shouldn't be a hindrance to believing Him.  It doesn’t say much of me if I can only believe God …..provided, subject to, until and unless…. Legally we call these kind of terms conditions.  My God didn’t set any conditions for me. He just loves me….He weeps for me; He died for me,  when I didn’t even know Him at all.  Best of all, He resurrected; so that I may know through the tears, there is always hope; that out of death arises (a different)  life.

If only we would believe, I venture God would be weeping for a different reason. Not out of regret for us, but out of joy because finally we ‘get’ it – that He is really real, as real as the tears we cry.

 " Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you." - Isaiah 54:10 

The Fear of Fear

I have been asked why I still bother to subscribe to a certain newspaper in hard copy when there are so many alternative sources of news online, and free some more. I have a confession to make – I like its comics page. That’s the only ‘news’ I look forward to, especially these days, when it seems to me it’s ‘that’ season again.

I call it the fear season. When I was a kid, I remember my mum would insist on me staying indoors during the 7th month. Every Chinese knows that’s the inauspicious month where if you aren’t careful, you will bump into those creepy creatures called ghosts, ghouls, bad spirits, whatever. No one in their right mind would want to meet them. I have not bothered about staying indoors during that month ever since I grew up and became a Christian. It’s not that I don’t believe in the devil anymore; it’s just that I am no longer fearful of things that I do not fully understand.

For the typical Chinese, it’s only that particular month they ‘fear’. All other months are ok. But the way things are bumping around in Malaysia, it seems not only the Chinese 7^th month but every other day there is something new to be fearful about.

If I read the news correctly, we are all supposed to be afraid of the Sedition Act being abolished or retained, depending on what kind of politics we subscribe to. And obviously all right-thinking folks are supposed to fear a repeat of the violence of May 13^th 1969. Sorry, that doesn’t quite work with me, since I was just a 9 year old kid who didn’t understand anything back then. Now if we throw good old-fashioned religion into the melting-pot, we really have a lot to fear – extremism, liberalism, pluralism, racism, sexism. That’s just for starters, lots more ‘ism-s’ can be added as and when expedient to remind people what to fear.

Of course it goes without saying Christians are supposed to fear using a certain word for God, even if that’s the word some of us have been using since we knew how to talk. Incidentally there is a whole list of other ‘sensitive’ words that Christians should be afraid to use. The complicated part for me is figuring out in which state I can or cannot use what word. For now, it seems I don’t need to fear if I am in Sabah or Sarawak. But I better watch my mouth if I am in Selangor.

But as if to balance the scale up, others are supposed to fear Christians too. They are supposed to fear the building of more churches, because the churches are going to suck everybody inside and brainwash them into…zombies?  Man, this ‘fear’ thing has gone so far even touching a certain animal is a cause to be scared. It’s not the building or the animal per se that’s to be feared; it’s the fear that these things will cause one to ‘lose faith’ in one’s religion. Now that’s the ‘big mother’ of all fears, besides the Zionist Jews, imperialist Americans, ebola and kidnappers in Sabah.

 Don’t even get started with the fear of others (meaning everybody else who doesn’t join our party, or whose skin is not the same color as ours) grabbing our….(special) rights, land, jobs, power, position, contracts, language, schools…(yawn)..sounds like an old scratchy record being replayed over and over again. Oh I forgot, records went out of fashion long long ago.

Unfortunately the fear factor is always in fashion. So much noise being made about this or that to fear.  If we would pause awhile in the midst of all our shouting at each other, perhaps we can discern the real thing to fear is not this or that person, thing or issue.The real bogey-man is the fear of fear itself.

I don’t want to feed my mind with fear.  It’s a terrible way to live. As a kid, I stayed imprisoned in the house because I feared all sorts of ghosts waiting to catch me. That’s what fear does – it locks us up as prisoners of ourselves and of others.

There is only 1 thing that defeats fear. To quote the Bible, “There is no fear in love…perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). So really the problem is not fear, but lack of love….

Now that’s a tough call. It’s so much easier to fear than to love. But I guess I could do something simple for a start…. I think I’ll stop reading the news for awhile, or just stick to the comics page. Then I don’t have to bother about what else there is to fear. Or I could just learn to love better. 

Published MMO 30/11/14

The Journey of Love

My no. 2 princess warned it was a long show, but she said I would like it. She was right. From the word 'go', Interstellar had me. Perhaps because it's corny to the core with its "human-ness". It's bound to tug at every parent's heart. Who can watch a child's anger at a father walking out of her life without feeling the prick of tears behind the eyes? Who can not relate to the awful sense of hopelessness talking at an empty screen to someone 'out there' and getting no answer, year after year for umpteen years... who wouldn't just give up and move on?


Yes, it was a sci-fi adventure, with all the mandatory action scenes and incomprehensible gobblegeek language of time relativity, quantum physics, worm holes, black holes, gravity etc. Frankly I have seen more and better seat-gripping action in other movies. As for the premise, a dying earth buried in dust-storms, visions of apocalypse, time warps, the search for brand new frontiers - all are true and tried formulae which movieland has been tossing around for ages. So really as a sci-fi 'epic', I rate Interstellar just so-so. Heck, it didn't even have a super-macho handsome super-hero for me to gawk at.

But it was the interplay of  human and family relationships in the midst of all that which sustained my interest and carried the show for me. A father stuck in space who tries so hard to re-connect with a daughter whom he left behind on earth aeons ago, attempting to reach out across an eternity of time . A daughter growing up with unresolved abandonment issues. A son who loses faith when he no longer gets any response. And that heart-rending line of all lines  "Love is the one thing that transcends time and space."

As I watched Cooper, the dad, desperately clawing around in the one-way mirror of the time-warp - seeing his child right in her own room - so near and yet so far - trying to attract her attention for she cannot perceive him, it immediately brought to my mind a picture of God, the heavenly Father, attempting to communicate with us, His creation on earth. We are so near, yet so far from Him who loves us so much.

Daddy didn't whip out the latest I-phone from his space-suit to wats-app his kid across galaxy band-width. Instead he used old-fashioned Morse code which his smart-aleck daughter immediately recognized as a communication from her MIA dad. How did she know it wasn't a  ghost or her imagination run wild? She didn't need any 'proof', nor did she need to 'test' the validity or existence of her invisible dad in a science lab. She didn't even need to ask any questions. She 'just knew' it was Daddy, though she couldn't glimpse even a shadow of him. The only clue was books dropping down from their shelves in Morse-code order. Quite a miracle - books don't simply walk off shelves in a deliberate pattern. Nor do sand particles stand up like a wall. Yet Murph was so certain it had to be her Daddy.

If only we could approach God that way too. If only we realize God is always reaching out to us. He's given us an intelligent, perfectly-ordered and wonderfully beautiful world to not just admire or reduce to atoms and molecules but to appreciate His hand behind it all. It's funny how we can enthuse about the beauty of Mona Lisa although we have never seen her creator Leonardo Da Vinci. We are quite prepared to accept him as a real human in history although we may not have lived in his time or his space. Because...well, duh, because there are records.

Yet humans can be so superficial; just because no one has ever 'recorded' God on a petrie-dish under a microscope, we conclude so blithely He doesn't or can't exist. But there is a record - in fact there are 66 books  on record on the subject, complete with eye-witness testimony and historical confirmation of a certain Man who claimed to be God who walked on earth 2000 years ago. Just read the Bible. Ahh, we are so quick to say, that's different. Definitely God is different. For one, He doesn't bend to our rules; He makes the rules.

In the movie, the father used something familiar to his daughter - Morse code-  to let her know it was him, speaking to her all the way from outer space. God used an even more effective way  - He con-descended down from His place in high heaven to become one like us, so we could relate to Him as Jesus Christ. "For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form" (Colossians 2:9) as "the express representation of His being" (Hebrews 1:3), "image of the invisible God" (Colossians 1:15).

Jesus walking the earth, doing all sorts of miracles. Jesus dead on the cross. Jesus resurrected alive, seen by various witnesses. Jesus ascending into the clouds. What a crazy story. "Smart-alecks" would reduce, rationalize and explain away every incident; refusing to even consider how a very dead man can walk out of a tomb alive after 3 days, when worms should have been gorging on his entrails. Because... well, it's impossible; legally, logically, scientifically, humanly, 'earthily' impossible.  Yet we readily accept there are in fact time and space dimensions which mankind isn't even close to understanding or exploring. Like the brother with no faith, we give up on God because He doesn't 'answer' according to how we expect Him to answer, writing Him off as "impossible" to believe in.

I especially loved how a very old Murph says to her very young long-lost-in-space father, when they finally get reunited on earth , " Nobody believed me, but I knew you'd come back". When Daddy asks, "How?", Murph simply answers "Because my dad promised me". A promise her heart hung onto even when logically in her smart head, there was really nothing to hang onto. In that she proved stronger than her brother who started out well, dutifully recording messages hoping the father would somehow hear and respond, but finally quitting after years of silence. What made her continue to believe?  I think it's something to do with this thing called 'love' that makes one 'just know'.... Murph had no reason to  hope that her father would come back; she herself was already dying in earth-time. But she still believed, because she knew the one who loved her and whom she loved. 

That's how Christians are. We cling onto the promises of a God who walked out from the hallowed halls of heaven on a journey across space and time to save us, His beloved . It culminated on a cross upon a hill where Jesus paid with His own life to redeem ours from the clutches of another dimension called hell. But it doesn't stop there, for us who believe, the journey hasn't really ended, because He promised to come back for us.... one day.

That's the day this world, as we know it, will end as all of humankind face our ultimate Judge. I like how the father put it, "Mankind was born on Earth. It was never meant to die here....our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us". That's literally true for those who believe, for we know where we are going. Sustained by the power of a promise made and simple trust in a God who is alive forever more, we get to embark on a journey back to the Lover and Beloved of our souls. That is the blessing of belief.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God ; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am" - John 14:1-3

A Christian Mum's Response to an Atheist Daughter

My eldest princess announced to the whole wide world that she had dumped God; she termed it as ‘coming out of the closet’, likening it to the homosexual who boldly declares to everyone (God included) that he is free to do what he wants with his life. So there. Well, it’s not that it was a recent thing anyway. It’s pretty old news as far as I am concerned. Still to go ‘public’ - I guess she must feel good about it. Do I? Honestly? Of course not. Which Christian parent would feel good about his/her precious child ‘leaving the faith’? But it’s nothing earth-shattering. Children keep breaking their parents’ hearts all the time – that’s the price of love. I dare say every parent, Christian or non-Christian, has shed – and will no doubt continue to shed - buckets of (mostly unseen) tears over their children’s decisions in life. But I think it’s harder for a Christian parent to take, because we know it’s our children who lose out when they give up on Some One as fundamental and essential as God.

Still I am somewhat amused by all the responses to her article. I suspect people, especially Christians, don’t know how to react to me. I gather everyone in the church which she used to attend with me must be having a gala time circulating her article. Ok, maybe I exaggerate. But it was funny how they looked at or talked to me during the initial days of its publication. I think they expect me to be…embarrassed? Ashamed? Perhaps they were thinking, “Kesian….poor thing, some more she’s a widow…. Hai, children these days…” They get uncomfortable, I can just see it in their eyes, unsure whether/how to bring up the subject with me. Some commiserate. A couple wats-apped me the ‘offending’ article and asked somewhat incongruously “Hey, just saw this… did you know?” Duh, as if I didn’t know. Others simply said, “We will pray for you and for her.” Well, I say thank you to these. I don’t know about my daughter, but I readily admit I need all the prayers I can get.

I have not responded to her article until now, we have not talked about it at all. We did our talking, screaming and shouting years ago when she decided she wanted to live life the way she wanted, instead of the way God wanted. It was a drama, which I am sure neither of us want repeated. Of course we have also kissed and made up after the ‘volcano’ exploded; that’s what love is all about. Disagreement doesn’t mean we can’t love one another. Besides if my God loves her enough to respect her choices, so must I. Like she said if she wants to go to hell, that’s her choice. So be it. Though I am sure it breaks God’s heart that any human being would want to purposely go their own way, because He knows inevitably that leads all the way to a soul’s destruction, when He has shown so clearly another better way.

Someone once pointed out, God doesn’t send people to hell, neither need the devil drag us there; we choose to go there ourselves. Jesus Christ has never and will never force, manipulate or sweet-talk anyone to follow Him. If we are to come to God, we must come willingly, out of love, nothing else. He will have it no other way. And if we do come, it must be on His terms, we must let God be God after all. We ignore, reject, deny or refuse Him at our own peril. We pay the consequences of all and every choice we make in life.

Could it be that that’s the underlying problem with all our endless discussions about God? That in our heart of hearts, we actually fear the consequences of believing. After all if there really is a God, it would require us to examine and change ourselves to see if we conform to His holy standards. Whereas if we can just ‘dismiss’ God away, we don’t need to answer to anyone except ourselves for the way we choose to live.
At the end of the day, all these arguments about God are just that – arguments. No one, nothing can prove or disprove the existence of God. Not archaeology, philosophy, psychology, technology or whatever-logy can put a ‘finger’ on God. Not the most brilliant mind, smartest scientist or deepest thinker, certainly not I. If He is, He is. His existence doesn’t depend on man’s belief or unbelief. He doesn't need me or anyone to defend who He is or what He does or doesn't do. Nothing changes His love for us, whom He considers the masterpiece of His creation.

No, I am not embarrassed about my daughter’s declaration of atheism. In fact I am very glad she wrote so publicly about it. When I read the responses to it, I cried. I cried because here in concrete form was God’s answer to a mother’s unceasing prayer that He would send someone, anyone to tell her what I no longer know how to tell her anymore. He sent not one, so many…I am just amazed that people would take the time and care to explain, exhort, elaborate and elucidate the truth of the Scriptures that answer all the very valid issues she raised in her article. Without fail, every Christian response affirmed and comforted me as the very real manifestation of God’s love expressed by a community of faith that is the distinction of all true Christians. It just goes to prove that my God is not a mere ‘religious crutch’ or a collection of rules and regulations but a living, thriving  God who will use every means to connect us back to Him;  no matter that we turn away, He doesn’t. His heart is always open, even when ours are closed.

It really doesn’t matter to me if my daughter reads, dissects, accepts or rejects the responses that answered her questions. The fact remains, not only her, but many other people got to read too, because it was in public domain. That’s how great my God is; He doesn’t just answer 1 person - He answers every person who dares to ask. The only catch is we may not like His answers. I am so humbled and yet so proud to have such a personal Almighty God to acknowledge, love, honor and worship.

If we are honest with ourselves, it really boils down not to a matter of proof, but a matter of will or will not believe. The Christian faith has been assumed and criticized as a blind leap into the dark. I am no expert theologian, but that's not my experience at all. I don't claim to understand God, in fact I confess many times I actually don't understand Him . But just because we don't get answers that satisfy us cannot mean something is untrue, invalid or non-existent. That's way too simplistic and really a rather convenient excuse of getting rid of that disturbing 'issue' called God. It puts the 'blame' and responsibility on God, instead of on us.

Still it's nothing new. Human beings have always put God on trial. They did that to Jesus 2000 years ago, matter of fact we are still doing it today. Actually they killed Him. We are still trying to 'kill' Him too. But the great news is my God just won't stay dead. He is a resurrected alive God, and He will have the last word, when He puts us all on trial.
God dealt graciously with me 12 years ago, out of His great love and mercy He saved not just a grieving wife but a husband about to die. Now every day of my life I can only mouth inadequate thanks and gratitude that all is well with my soul, for I have tasted and know that the Lord is good even when circumstances are bad. There comes a time when true faith doesn’t remain at the level of ‘need’. True faith must go beyond to grasp that God isn’t our personal genie to satisfy our every whim and fancy. True faith that stands firm demands that we ‘know’ that we know whom we have believed.

I can't 'show' God to any atheist, as much as I want to for my own daughter, whom I love dearly. But one thing I can do - I choose to believe God loves her more than I ever can, so He will never leave nor forsake her, even if she thumbs her fingers at Him. He is ever the Good Shepherd who hounds after even 1 lost sheep to bring it home to Himself. That's His very own guarantee and I know I can hold my God to His eternal unchangeable promises. After all, He did say He is Father to the fatherless and a defender of widows. That means my children and I are definitely on His 'to do' list. I couldn't ask for more.

Published MMO 24/11/14

The Anchor of the Soul

It happened months ago during the holiday season, but I still remember David. We had to make a trip up north to attend the wake of an aunt from my husband's side. Penang lived up to its notorious reputation of horrific holiday traffic. It had been bad enough with intermittent jams on the NS highway, but at least we were moving along. But sitting in a car for 1 hour on a journey that should have taken 15 minutes normally was really the pits. Still what was a trip to Penang without visiting our usual haunt at Miami Beach. So I stuck it out, bidding myself to not tear my hair or swear at drivers trying to cut into my (already stuck) lane. By the time we got there, we had only 1 hour to loll about. Actually I go to the beach to see a very old friend, David, whom I call the sea-man. He was my husband's childhood beach kaki, since he lived near the beach he would visit David in his (then) little hut and go out to sea to fish together. They were die-hard buddies; somehow they 'clicked' despite being worlds apart. My husband the educated, middle-class Chinese town boy and David, the scrawny, illiterate Indian beach boy, so dark that his teeth flashed white against his tanned face. He would have made for a good toothpaste advert.

Whenever we visited Penang, David would immediately arrange to take the family out to the islands in the boat my husband had bought and let him keep/maintain a long time ago. My husband had named the boat after me. But after his passing, David or more likely his brother-in-law had changed it to one of their kids' names. Not that I minded; what would I do with a boat anyway. After the cremation, I made a trip back to the old beach-spot. David  was the one who took me out to sea to drop my husband's ashes and hopefully he will be the one to guide my kids to do the same when my turn comes.

But looking at him now, I wondered if he or I would last longer on earth. His long-standing battle with the bottle was obvious; he had become all sticks and bones, his yellowed eyes were a dead give-away of his sick condition. His wife had left him years ago and taken the kids along. His sister who runs the beach cafe and takes care of him as much she can shakes her head and complains about his drunken escapades. Still he pretends everything is alright and is all eager to take the kids out to sea; only this time, the boat is gone. I asked him what happened; he muttered something incomprehensible, and offered to go get a friend's boat as alternative.  The kids were hopeful, but I smiled, shook my head and firmly told him no need. I knew he wouldn't be able to pull it off, and we really had no time anyway.

As I sat with him, there were no words necessary between us. He knew I was sad for him, he knew and surely regretted his condition. Still he grinned and repeated his standard line - 'I go sea' , pointing  out to the waters beyond. I knew what he meant, he and the sea was 1; the sea has been his life all along, and I am sure if he could, he would die at sea too. Indeed all he had left was the sea. As we parted, I pondered what do I have, what will I have left at the end of it all?

I could point to a lot of my achievements and successes, I guess. Publishing a devotional in Bahasa M'sia must be one of the high-lights. So would my work in the street ministry, which has taught me so much about endurance and love beyond personal comfort, opening up a world so totally removed from mine. Or my job running the church kindy, experiencing the joy of being surrounded by little ones and knowing that what we teachers plow into these young lives will outlive us. I wish I could say I have no regrets. But I do. I regret things I did and didn't do. I regret words I said and didn't say. Those commissions and omissions showed up a lack of love in me. It's easy enough to confess and  repent of my sins before God, and I am sure He forgives me. I can say sorry to the people I have hurt  but I suspect it would be too little too late. 

So really, of myself I have nothing to boast. What is there for any human to boast about?  No matter how what how great the exploits of man, “All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall" (1 Peter 1:24) The Bible points out the truth, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14) So what profound insight could I possibly leave behind if I knew tonite would be my last nite on earth? 

On the one hand I would be more than happy to go. Indeed when life goes all hay-wire, as it's apt to, I often ask God to please take me 'home'. I do get sick and tired of this earth-life; I wouldn't have any problems bidding a very happy "Goodbye, World", when I draw my last breath, because I know where I am headed. I already have a mansion waiting for me in heaven, not because I am so great, but thanks to Jesus, who promised it when I first believed. But that's a very selfish desire, it's simply escapism from the ever-present problems of life on earth. Then there's always on the other hand, the realization that God didn't save me for my sake, but for His, so that I could be transformed to impact my world for the time He gives me on earth before I get to enjoy eternity with Him. 

I don't want to end up like David, the seaman, regretting the past, with nothing to hope for except live for today.  Because as much as today can satisfy, it can never be enough.  It is not enough to just live a good life on earth and then die. Jesus Christ came to show us there is indeed more than just a bad yesterday or a good today. He proved there is a fantastic tomorrow when He resurrected from death. To settle for less because my mind can't reasonably see or comprehend such a grand hope  in the here and now simply means I am really a coward at heart for not daring or wanting to believe the impossible. 

Sure, it's safer and easier not to believe, to live and let live. But I don't want to live limited by and answerable only to myself; that's at best an illusionary freedom. Author Warren Wiersbe pointed out, "Some may say freedom means the privilege of doing what you want to do. But that is not freedom. In fact, that's the worst kind of slavery in the world - to be controlled only by your impulses and inclinations. Real freedom is a life controlled by God's truth and motivated by His love." We kid ourselves when we enslave ourselves to ourselves, and we don't or refuse to recognize the flaw in our own thinking.

David's life is anchored ultimately to the sea; he's got nothing else to look forward to. People hang onto all sorts of anchors of their own making. Me, I want my life anchored to a God who not only frees me from sin/s and prepares me to live to the utmost for today, but guarantees me a forever life, embraced by the power and passion of a love divine, a joy unspeakable. Now that's an anchor worth clinging onto in the midst of life's storms.

Even if I don't 'see' God and have absolutely no proof in the physical or 'this-world' sense, I have nothing to lose and all to gain. After all, if there is a God, I certainly want Him to be bigger, better, greater, grander and more powerful  than I. What's the point of a god who is created in my image according to my own pet ideas, who answers to me?  To be the most High Almighty God , He must delve and deal in the impossible, and I must answer to Him, not out of some compulsion called religion but out of a relationship called love, because He first loved me.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" - Hebrews 6:19 

Published MMO 21/11/14

The Long, Winding and Narrow Road

Some people are into birds (the real feathery kind). Some prefer climbing mountains. Others are into staring at screens all day long, be it I-pads, smart-phones or laptops. Me, I 'chase' God. I like chasing God, because I know He loves to be caught. He said it plainly "You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13). Though I have noticed His call to play hide-n-seek usually comes to me at not the best of times. Like now when it's rainy season, I find myself driving 2 hours up a long, winding and narrow road all the way to Fraser's Hill. Which honestly is a 'nothing-happening' place. But perhaps that's the best place to 'find' God.
Of course that's a sort-of misnomer of terms. After all, God is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. So it's not quite accurate to say I am 'going hunting' for God. But it's really a heart thing. It's somewhat like the habit of some people who would think  nothing of going way out to find the best makan places, because the food is reputedly the best.

Besides, I was tired, fed-up, bogged down with many issues. That's why I purposely took leave to get away from the madding crowd to a place where preferably not many people go, and there is no wi-fi hopefully, where I can tune out the world and tune in to heaven's channel. It's in places where nothing is happening that God happens because the 'reception' for some reason is clearer there. There is something to that cliche cartoon- character who is always depicted as climbing a mountain to seek a 'guru' to answer life's most difficult questions.
So to Fraser's I went with high expectation. As usual, I lost my way a couple of times but managed to get there with the help of  human 'angels' who pointed me in the right direction; I can always count on God sending them. He takes care of all things well, right down to my car lights, which I had left on inadvertently after parking. 2 hours after check in, the inn people called to alert me, and I found the 'angel' beside my car.... an ordinary forestry-worker who had noticed it and on a hunch, enquired at the reception. So it looked like asking for my vehicle number wasn't just to be filed away in their record, but actually worked out for my good.

I had come to seek God.  There was no 'magic' to it; I didn't hear any audible voice from the sky, didn't see any lightning and thunder display; there were no angelic visitations, no dramatic dreams or fantastic visions. Just heart-to-heart moments when He 'nudges' me, telling me to look, listen and learn. Did He answer all my questions? Nope. But He did answer my prayers, and that is enough, more than enough. Many people get entangled up in questions to God, about God. But sometimes, that's just a convenient smoke-screen for making unanswered questions a reason not to believe. A wise saint once said, We believe to see, not see to believe God. 
So there I was, trekking up to the Jeliau waterfalls early in  the morning. I arrived there at the same time as a group of youngsters. Within minutes they had their hand-phones out and were busy snapping selfies and groupies. And then they were done, they left giggling and laughing away. That's how some people are with God....they are a 'flash in the pan', here today gone tomorrow. God is just as good as the next nice selfie-shot. After them came 2 men. They stopped, smoked, chatted and then took off their shoes to wet their feet in the cold waters. That's the kind who will 'test' out God for a bit, whilst still doing their own thing. They too walk away after their cigarettes are finished. Another guy ambles up, lugging camera equipment and net in hand. Every bit the 'pro': this is the expert who makes a religion out of examining God. He too leaves after he's finished setting up the perfect position to take the perfect picture of a waterfall. (I saw him again much later at another spot; waving his net around, guess he was trying to catch something ...butterflies, birds, insects, fishes.... maybe God??)
 One by one they all left. I was alone and yet, not alone; as I realized what God was teaching me through a waterfall.... how everyone is so like those random people who came to see a beautiful scene, and react so variously when confronted with it.  What do we do with God? Is He just to be admired, tried and tested, 'dissected', and ultimately discarded?
And as I stared at the waters, it struck me how much raw power there was contained in that little waterfall. I have seen far more spectacular falls of course. But as I watched the white foamy torrent tumble down from its height, I realized this wasn't just water; this liquid had amassed enough power to erode the hardest of rock underneath its channel, to cause ripples that carried on far beyond the plunging pool. And  I felt the constant cold wind that swept around the area. I saw how every surface of everything in the vicinity was wet, covered with a film of moisture. I heard the roar of the waters. And God whispered, "You know, that's just an itsy-bitsy picture of My power. Get it?"

I looked at the waterfall with new eyes. As I gazed downstream, I saw how muddied the waters became the further from the falls they flowed, as compared to the whiteness of its source; even the ripples were less. Again the still small voice sounded in my heart...that's what happens when we choose to move away from a pure and holy God; we all become dirtied by sin and we just 'muddy' along in life - and the worse part is we think it's ok, because well, it's 'our' life, we reject the Power that would lift us far beyond this 'our' life...


I moved to go, but something caught my eye..... I saw gold, 3 clear streaks of gold dancing in the waters. I had been hoping for a rainbow, but instead God showed me something more extraordinary. At any other angle, they would not have been visible. Sure, scientifically my head explains it as just refraction of light upon water. But this was happening in the shadows, where there was no sun light as yet. And at that precise moment a sun beam passed over the journal-page in which I had been scribbling down the thoughts as they came. I felt its warmth on the back of my neck...it wasn't science that spoke to me out there. I knew God was telling me His treasures are kept hidden in the secret places and will only be revealed to those who are willing to pay the price. My price? 2 hours of waiting. A small price to pay surely to bask in the warmth of His love and faithfulness.
That was my "bingo' moment. But that wasn't all; many things came to me as I sought His face over 2 days,  totally focusing only on Him. How do I know it's Him, and not my own over-active imagination speaking? Because such  thoughts could never have come from my puny brain. I know who I am - His creation - and I know who He is - the Creator, Originator and Source.
On the last morning, up on the viewing tower above the inn, as I stared at the heavy mist covering the whole area, everything was a blur. I was thinking how like my life it was, all blur-blur. I was dreading the moment when I would have to return, leaving behind a 'mountain-top' experience, and trudge back to the valley of problems that were waiting for me 'down there'.  And then I saw 'it'... for a very brief moment in time, the heavens parted, the sun shone through the mist, illuminating a cloud in all its pristine whiteness. The veil lifted, revealing the mountains, the trees...they were all still there, even though blanketed by the dreary mist. The sounds of the forest, birds chirping... they were still there, though unseen. All are as beautiful, as strong and as alive even though they are covered by the cold fingers of mist. Life is still good. Indeed it was meant to be that way from the beginning, and for always. For "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good" (Genesis 1:31). Heaven broke through earth when Jesus came down 2000 years ago. Behind the many 'mists' in today's world, He's still here, He's alive and He's still very good. The long, winding and narrow road is worth it.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it" - Matthew 7:13-14

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Free to be Freed

She had always been a 'complainer'; well-known for her dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. And she would always try to 'sorok' away the food meant to be eaten there and then. The 'regulars' who come for the free meals know our rules. You want to eat, please sit down and eat. No choosing this or that piece of chicken; you eat what is given, too bad if you don't like chicken wings. No second helpings until everyone gets their first plate. You want to smoke, please do it beyond the food and medical areas. No fighting or quarreling allowed. You can be drunk but don't be unruly, if you are,  you will be asked to leave. You don't like our rules, don't come. As a matter of precaution, we have a few 'toughies' around to 'escort' out people who cause trouble. Rarely will that happen.

That Saturday was one of those rare occasions. The 'complainer' asked for a cover for the plastic container of chicken rice handed out to her. It was clear she wanted to 'ta pau'. She was reminded the food was meant to be eaten, not packed.  She threw a tantrum and started cursing, 'What kind of Christians...' and other unmentionables. She was causing a ruckus. When told to desist, she threw the food down, scattering it all over the ground. That was the last straw - our guy physically removed her from the place.  Just where do we draw the line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior?? When does freedom to do whatever we like stop? As far as we are concerned, she broke our rules, so out she goes. But isn't she entitled to stay put and castigate Christians for being so ungracious to a poor homeless creature like her? We serve food to everyone who comes. But the freedom to do what they want with the food is dependent on their being responsible enough to know and abide by the limits applicable to everyone who chooses to come and eat. That's how law works.

Besides let's not kid ourselves; despite all the humanistic ideals and ideas of  freedom, there really is no such thing as unlimited freedom in this world. It's only a matter of where the boundaries are drawn, in our personal lives, in the society we are part of and in the laws of the land we are citizens of. We may not like the 'fetters' imposed upon us. But the fact remains boundaries are necessary. There is a law which demands that You shall not kill for obvious reason, no matter how 'free' you are to hate someone. Pope John Paul II says it well..."Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought".

Lest we forget, freedom was actually God's idea, not man's. He could so easily have stopped Adam and Eve from eating the forbidden fruit. He didn't, despite knowing the horrendous consequences of allowing them to go ahead to rebel against His orders. Jesus had every right and capability to overthrow the tyrannical government of His day; He didn't; heck, He didn't even set up an alternative political party of His own and go around canvassing for votes. Instead He calmly advised, "Give back to Caesar's what is Caesar's and to God what is God's" (Mark 12:17).  God could have 'programmed' everyone to believe in Him. He didn't. The only thing He did was to spell out the consequences of choice, so no one can ever say "I didn't know God is like that."  He has drawn the boundaries, as much as we draw up the rules for our street-work. We may not like His terms but we can never excuse ourselves with "I didn't know", or fault God that "You didn't tell me."

For it's never about not knowing, but always about choice - whether we will or will not do what we ought. That's the difference between true and false freedom. We can shout all we want about being free to do what we like, but that's not freedom; that's just a petulant child wanting his sweets. But the child who chooses not to eat those sweets (even though he is allowed to) because he knows it's not good for his teeth is truly free. Wisdom, not self-satisfaction, is the basis of real freedom

We can so so easily delude ourselves into thinking we are free when actually we are so bound up in, of and by our own desires. Jesus was never more free than when He chose to keep quiet before the humans who accused and judged Him. He didn't fight back, He didn't assert His rights, He didn't pulverize the whole lot of humankind who rejected Him (then and now). Instead He laid down His life so that every human being might be saved to experience the perfect freedom. God would not have it done any other way. We obsess so much about this or that freedom but fail to recognize that the highest most precious freedom of all is not the practice of religion, or the exercise of self-expression, or the defense of so-called inalienable rights, but the certain knowledge of the soul's salvation - made possible by the One who willingly gave up His freedom.

The woman came back after a couple of weeks' absence. She is still complaining. We are still serving her. Our rules still stand. I like to think she knows anytime every time she decides to, she is free to return and be fed again without any fear of recrimination or discrimination, as long as she is willing to come on our terms. That's how God does it too, all He requires is a heart willing to love and be loved by Him. We have only chicken curry rice to feed the folks who choose to come to us. But when we choose to come to God, He lays out such a fantastic banquet for us to feast on, one which is literally out of this world.

It's so sad, that many would settle for so much less, content with just getting one's own way, and passing up the chance of a lifetime to be truly free following God's way. Howbeit we fail to appreciate we are most free when we choose to be bound by and in the love of God which saves us to the uttermost for all eternity. 


"Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it" - Luke 17:33