I spoke too soon, when I resolved some 10 years ago after I returned from my first missions trip that I will never go back to Cambodia. There is an old old song whose lyrics goes "I left my heart in San Francisco.." I didn't leave my heart in Cambodia, actually my heart was broken there. Not over some ga-ga tall dark handsome super-hero, but over the children.
Some memories you will never forget. I don't remember anything much about the famous Angkor Wat, but I never forgot the sight of a line of orphans hidden behind a wooden building, squatting and holding onto their bowls of plain white porridge, whilst we adults were seated on a row of benches at the front. We ate the same white porridge - with a very obvious difference - ours came with fried fish. It was when I chanced upon the kids as I was hunting for the toilet that I realized what 'luxuries' we were being honored with - wooden benches and fried fish. Shame on me for even thinking what a poor meal we were being served. I never forgot the naked pot-bellied kids running around in the dust. Or the ramshackle little hut on stilts that collapsed under the weight of the crowd who had squeezed in to hear us tell strange stories of Someone named Jesus Christ. I still remember the sting of very cold well water as I struggled in the tiny dark zinc shed without any lights which passed for an outdoor 'bathroom'. And the sharp nip in the nite breeze as I stared up into the vast heavens overhead dotted with what must be millions of twinkling stars - they say in the clear air of the village, you can shine a torch upwards and it will light a trail cutting right thru the nite sky - and they are right. The little beam from my torch really did shine a 'road' up into the very heavens above my head. I felt I knew a little of what Abraham the patriarch must have felt when God took him outside to check out the sky and promised the old man, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them...So shall your offspring be" (Genesis 15:5). I remember the lump in my throat, the thump-thump in my heart when I looked up at the Cambodian sky. I cried a lot in Cambodia. That's why I didn't want to go back.
But God has a funny way of digging up buried things He wants us to deal with. So it was 10 years down the line....I heard the call very clearly as I was sitting in on a seminar in church. Go to Cambodia. I said, "Yes Lord, I am going...to India" for I had indeed signed up for the India missions trip in December. There was a tug at my heart as I heard the call repeated, Go to Cambodia. This time, I was (a bit) cheezed off and dared answer back..."No, Lord, I am not going to Cambodia. I am going to India."
And I thought that was that. Till lunch time when I found myself seated next to a sister who 'so happened' to be going for the Cambodia missions trip, which was 2 weeks ahead of the India one. Somewhat nonchalantly I asked if there was any need/place for extra people. I almost leapt for joy when she disclosed there was place on her team but no more plane ticket available. I said, "Great, no Cambodia for me." Then another sister piped up, "Let's check with country coordinator first." I said "No need, besides no way we can find her in the middle of this large crowd" - it would be looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack. Off she went, to reappear barely 5 mins later - with leader in tow, who promptly keyed in something on her so-smart phone and told me, "Yes, there is a plane tix, but it's business class". And again I exulted, "Halleluia, I can't go, too expensive, no money" Till the sister who had found her said, "You go, I'll pay your ticket." I protested, but deep in my heart, I knew I was being cornered by none other than God Himself - I had run out of excuses not to go. By the time the whole drama played out a couple of days later, it turned out there was a last minute seat available in Economy class after all. And that's how I found myself signed up for 2 missions trips almost back-to-back, in the midst of a zillion and 1 things I had to take care of at work. Like I said, God has a way of upsetting man's (especially my) carefully laid-out plans.
Someone asked me, why I am so reluctant to go back to Cambodia, when I can keep returning to India. After all, there is no difference between the suffering poor in India and the suffering poor in Cambodia. That's true, as Jesus said, "The poor you will always have with you.." (Matthew 26:11); they are there in every nation, in every nook and corner, even in our own back-streets, if we care to open our eyes and see them. I can only say Cambodia was an experience that so affected me it's like falling in love for the first time and getting one's heart all broken up. It devastates the emotions so much you don't wanna go 'back there' again even tho you may fall in love many times thereafter; but that first love that broke you did something to you inside that you just don't want to walk that particular road again.
But God seems to have other ideas. After weeks of seeking His face, I think I am beginning to understand why He's calling me to go back to a painful place. Some things in life we just gloss over and think it's done with. We can pretend, indeed we may even be so sure we have gotten over 'it', but in actuality, we are only putting Band Aid to cover up a gaping wound, and we delude ourselves it's ok. Well, God's a better Doctor than I, so I guess He's reopening an old wound to heal me properly once and for all.
When I was first told there would be a lot of children's ministry, I should have known already. Even as it's been confirmed our team will be journeying into 2 villages full of kids, my heart was already burdened before that to pray for the children of Cambodia. Now with the trip counting down to 4 days, I can honestly say I am glad I am going after all. God knows and I know Cambodia's children will break my heart all over again, but it will be ok this time....for over all these years, after so many missions trips, I am learning it's when my heart gets broken up a little bit more every time that I grow up a little bit more too. And that's what makes life more meaningful at the end of the day - when we still care to love for others' sake when loving hurts. After all, that's how Jesus loves.
"Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
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