God is good - therefore I am safe
God is faithful - therefore it's going to be okay.
For God is incapable of doing anything less than marvelous things...
(Excerpt from "Lazarus Awakening" by Joanna Weaver)
We cannot always trace God's hand, but we can always trust God's heart - Charles Spurgeon
And that as the saying goes, is the way the cookie crumbles. I thought I had seen it all, experienced it all, been there, done that after 53 years of living. What else is there to learn when I have even walked through the valley of the shadow of death, watching a dearly beloved husband suffer the pain of cancer eating up his insides for 2 years, and finally slipping away peacefully into the waiting arms of Jesus, as his brother sang 'Amazing Grace' by his bedside? After all, what can be harder than death?? Well, I am discovering there is something harder than death. Actually come to think of it , for a Christian, death isn't hard at all, since it isn't quite 'The End' but the beginning of another even more fantastic life than the one just passed away! Indeed I am apt to think that comparatively speaking living a Christian life on this earth is harder than dying.
When I am a Christian, it means I am supposed to surrender my life (and that means my body, mind, spirit and soul) into God's hands. For a control-freak like me, that's a tough call. I dunno about other Christians, but for me to pray 'Not my will, but Thy will be done' wrings out many anguished tears from a heart that tends to want God to do things my way. Jesus told His disciples point-blank 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me' (Luke 9:23) No wonder Bible tells us many of His followers turned away and walked with Him no more because of His "hard teaching" (John 6:60)
To deny self goes against all the most basic instincts of self-preservation and self-interest that we inherited from Adam since he walked the earth. As if saying No to myself isn't bad enough, Jesus expects me to take up my cross, not just once but daily. According to 1 study, the weight of the cross on Jesus' shoulders could have been anything from 95-200 lbs. The route that Jesus took carrying the cross to His crucifixion apparently stretched for about 2000 ft and is known as the Via Dolorosa - Latin for Way of Suffering, Way of Grief, or simply Painful Way - terms which are obviously self-explanatory. The idea conveyed is clear; anyone who tells you the Christian life is a 'piece of cake' is bluffing or has misunderstood what it's all about.
Suffering goes against every human grain, for obviously no one wants to suffer. Indeed everybody wants to be Numero Uno, many don't care if it's at the expense of others. We want to be head of the pack. But Jesus tells us to "take the lowest place" (Luke 14:10). We love our friends/those who love us and hate our enemies (if not outwardly, at least inwardly we want nothing to do with them) , but Jesus commands, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you" (Luke 6:27-28). It's impossible to be this way, unless the God who is Love enables us.
Honestly if even those who had seen, heard and touched Jesus in His days couldn't take this kind of teaching, what more people like us who have never beheld Him?? Who would want to follow such a God? But the message of the cross has never changed throughout the ages. If this had been presented to me 11 years ago, I doubt very much I would have chosen to become a Christian! It's natural to want a God who blesses us with the desires of our heart, since it's an underlying assumption that if I worship God, He is supposed to make me happy. God should want to make all things nice and easy. He should stop evil, since He is supposed to be good. So man goes around, making god/s in his image, forgetting the truth is actually the other way round - that God created man in His image, and He isn't here to be our personal Santa Claus; He is here to save us from our sin and change us to be more like Him, which actually was how He created mankind originally anyway.
It has taken me years to relate to a God whom I can't 'control'. Indeed as someone pointed out, Why should I even bother to pray to a God who is simply gonna do what He's gonna do anyway? Yet thru all my unanswered and yet-to-be-answered prayers, I have come to realize my praying doesn't change God, it changes me - therein lies the power of prayer. The nearest I can come to accepting this unfathomable mystery is to remember how as a typical kid, I used to pester my parents for this,that or the other thing that if not granted, I was sure I would absolutely die. As typical parents, my father (it was always my father) would say no, I can't have it. By the way, in those days, a parent's No meant NO, full stop; end of story. It was only later when I grew up (finally) and in hind-sight, that I could admit to myself some of my father's No's were in truth pretty well justified, though it made no-nsense to me at that particular moment. However some of my earthly father's decisions against me were arbitrarily made, simply because I caught him in a bad mood; in fact in some instances, he made totally wrong decisions, but that's because he was human.
And I guess that's why it's so difficult for people to relate to God as our heavenly Father, since all our views about Him are inevitably clouded by the impressions of our earthly fathers, who never were or could be perfect. In fact some of us don't even have any earthly fathers we can relate to. So we don't or can't trust that God isn't like any earthly father. But Abba Father God is different. It's taken me ages to 'relax' with my heavenly Father, and it's only now after years getting to know Him, that I can say with some confidence I think I 'get it' - somewhat, sometimes. But many times I could have turned away from God when He didn't do what I wanted. Still like Peter said to Jesus, "Lord, to whom shall we go?You have the words of eternal life" (John 6:68). Someone questioned the 'lovingness' of a God who would 'use' suffering like the death of my beloved to 'teach' me a lesson - He can't be a very 'nice' or good God, can He? Well, there is such a thing as being cruel to be kind. My mom did that all the time; chasing me round the house with her cane in hand (it was always my mom who wielded the cane). I knew very well she loved me in spite of all the caning. That's the reality of love; its not always sugar and spice and all things nice. It hurts, and sometimes it hurts an awful lot. But ultimately pain teaches us precious lessons about life.
And so it is with God. All things in life happen for a reason; it's only whether we want to dig deeper for the hidden lessons or take the easy way out, get angry with and blame God. Doesn't mean I will never be sick or get into accidents when I pray for His protection.Doesn't mean He isn't bothered with the evil in the world just because He doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. Doesn't mean He is any less good when He refuses to answer my prayers. I have found when He takes away something, He always gives something better. A god who obeys me and gives me everything I want can't really be god, for surely Godhead implies He is higher and greater than puny little me, He knows best and He calls the shots. There was only 1 way I made it through every dark tunnel (and there have been many, as I am sure there are more ahead) of my life - I clung on to the promises of God's Word, even when I couldn't understand or agree with how He was handling my life. I know 1 thing although I don't know all things - I find peace beyond all understanding and joy unspeakable when I call upon the name of Jesus, anytime everytime, good time, bad time. It doesn't matter that I may not know much else.
No wonder Bible says that faith as small as a mustard seed is enough. All I had 11 years ago was that little bit of faith based on an experiential 'knowing' that this God is different, and that was enough for Him to work on. After all if He can turn something as bad as death into the greatest good - saving both my husband's and my soul - I can surely trust Him for all things. Since then, I have come to know Him so much more, and the more I know, the more I choose to trust some more, for time and time again, He has proven these things true - He loves me, He is good, and He is faithful. And that is all I need to know to continue to believe whom I have believed.
"That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed" ... 2 Timothy 1:12
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