They will carry the torch

They are every parents' worry. We talk about them, despair over them, pray for them. And our hearts constantly wonder, Will they turn out ok? That's kids for you.
When my husband left this earth for his heavenly home 9 years ago, he left also 3 kids without a father to look up to. I know i could never be a father to them; i just dunno how. I am a mom, not a dad. And in my desperation, how often have i cried out ( I still do, to this day) to the Almighty, "God, You are the only Father they've got now, You are their Abba; please watch over them, please grow them up in Your ways."
I would be the first to admit i am not a perfect mum. I know sometimes i am too strict, but sometimes i am not strict enuf. I have watched my 'little birds' grow wings to fly, often with much trepidation of soul. Because I realised 1 thing early; much as i want to, i can't stop them from learning life's lessons on their own. It's like bicycling; every kid has to handle it by himself; no one can ride the bicycle for him. And yes, he has to fall sometimes to learn the hang of it; he will bump into things and get hurt. We can run alongside them, shout directions at them, try to hold the handle for them, fix a third wheel to steady them, but end of the day, we still can't ride it for them.
I don't think i am the typical mom either; i know some frens who are horrified at how i bring up my kids. They think i am way too lax, becoz i let them make their own decisions; i try not to impose my will on them. But I let them know I would be very disappointed, hurt, upset if they were to go ahead to do the thing that I disagree with them about. Certainly we have disagreements, sometimes very strong ones. And yes, sometimes they go their way against my wishes. That's the time I bang on heaven's door and pray for more grace and mercy and their Abba Father to guard them despite their wilfulness.
I try my darndest to train them up in the ways of the Lord by insisting on family altar time twice a week; just halfhour sessions studying the Bible and praying. I started this 9 years ago, it used to be 3x a week, but we have mutually 'negotiated' it down to 2x these days, becoz I know they chaff at this; which youngster wouldn't? But i tell them to do it for my sake, and i appreciate they make the effort. I know too well these sessions will have to stop one day... when i leave this earth.... when they move off into adulthood and lives of their own, which is why i feel keenly the need to impart as much as i can in the little limited time i have with them. Yet i have oft wondered if all these sessions make any difference in their lives; whether they are really paying attention even.
Well, it looks like I really have nothing to worry about on that score; it took an illegal rally to teach me to trust that God really holds my kids in His hands, and He will not let them slip. If not for them provoking me with questions that made me ponder, I would never have joined the Bersih demo on July 9th 2011, in which case i would have missed the lesson that God wanted to teach me through them. That it's easy enuf to say we love God, but when the crunch comes, are we willing to die for Him, if called to?
Beyond having to face and answer this question of my own faith, I am also reassured of one other important thing. My kids will be ok. If they can reason out concepts like justice and righteousness and boldly go ahead to do what is right, they will definitely be ok, even without me. I was the one with the doubts and misgivings. They were the ones who shamed me enuf to walk the talk, to stand up for what I claim to believe in.
My most constant prayer for them isn't for riches or job security or a good life. Its just 1 thing, that they know, love and follow after Jesus Christ, the Lord their God. There is no greater blessing, no greater treasure than this. A couple of months ago, I read out my will to the kids. I have nothing much in terms of earthly wealth to bequeth unto them, the only valuable inheritance i have to give them is the example of my faith; that i have lived a life worthy of the Lord, pleasing Him in all ways, submitted unto His will and bearing fruit for eternity. If they have caught onto these things , I am assured I have done my job as a mother; and with that I will be content - that they will carry the torch to light the paths of their generation and beyond.

"For you were once darkness, now you are light in the Lord; live as children of light" ...Ephesians 5:8