When Babies Grow Up

 Has it been 34 years since I held her in my arms, tightly-swaddled in a hospital blanket? Where is the little baby who drove a new, first-time mother up the wall, with her finicky feeding and sleeping patterns? I remember how in a fit of post-partum depression, I almost wanted to throw her out the window, after yet another bout of her vomiting all over me. I remember how she cowered in a corner the first time she saw her father, my husband, get really angry over something or other. She was always the "big che-che" in the house, the one with the most responsible attitude out of my 3 children.  I say this not to compare any unfavourably, but it's a fact they all have very different personalities. 

Today my eldest daughter walked out of the family home. The baby has grown up. And like a young eaglet, she has left the nest. Not pushed out, as reputedly in the case of birds, but out of her own choice. Of course all parents will face the day when their children move out to pursue their own paths in life. And it's not as if she just up and left; like the responsible child she has always been, she had already told of her intention months ago. Still nothing quite prepares a mother for that actual moment. 

Only now do I realize I was kidding myself everyday I pray for each of my children, "surrendering" them to my God, their Abba Father in heaven. Of course I mean it when I say it. But when the crunch came, there was still a fierce tugging in my heart. And much as I didn't want to cry or expected that I should be able to control my emotions, I cried anyway. I cried on Christmas day when I blessed her with the very specific words that God had put in my mouth to pronounce over her. I cried alone after  she announced over dinner  that she would be leaving in the morning. I cried when I hugged her as we stood by the door. I cried after she drove off. I guess the tears will keep coming for awhile. I haven't cried like this in a long time actually. The last time was about 19 years ago when my husband passed on.  And I guess when the turn comes for my no 2 and no 3 to fly off on their own wings, I will cry again. The way I see it,  children will keep breaking their parents' hearts with their actions, their choices in life; not that they want to, I am sure. But it's just the way things are in this world. Or maybe I am wrong, I see some families look ever so happy - so perfect - all the time.  Not in my case, we are definitely not. 

We have had our share of family disagreements, especially over issues of faith. I understand fully how the father of the prodigal son felt. And like that father in the Bible parable, I chose a long time back to let go and let God work in my children, trusting in His word given to me personally 19 years ago , when I asked Him, how am I going to take care of these 3 children without a father? and He answered: A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in His holy habitation. (Psalm 68:5) .. Even when my natural eyes see nothing happening, I hang on to that divine promise, for I know God doesn't lie, ever.  Whatever it takes, He will do it, because I can't.  I remember the days when we used to sit on the sofa in the living room, just me teaching my 3 youngsters from the bible, praying for them. Until one day I knew neither I nor church could hold their attention anymore. But I know He remembers those times also, even if they all forget. 

Of course it's not as if I am never going to see her again. I am sure my children will tell me, it's no big deal, ma. Stop being the drama-queen. Well, that's how some mothers are. Truth is it's just not the way I have wished it would be. If I had my way, like every other parent, she should be leaving with her wedding party, by the side of a man who would love her and whom she loves, to set up their own family together.  But no matter. God's ways are always higher and better. Whether it's about handling prodigal children or other heart-aches. After all, she isn't just "my princess", she is God's princess. In that I can rest assured. As I take my tears to the Lord, an old hymn comes to comfort me , "You are my hiding place, You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance, whenever I am afraid (I substitute it with -broken), I will trust in You." 

With that in mind, I released my first-born today with a mother's blessing, as she steps into a new beginning this new year, that she inherit the double portion that is her birth-right from the Lord, the God of her father and mother, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. 

 

A BETTER TOMORROW??

It's count-down to another new year. Whereas it used to be all about new year resolutions, today's news about the coming 2021 is all about a little vicious virus that has wrecked havoc all over the world, across nations rich and poor, not sparing race, age, sex or social standing. Everybody knows life is never going to be the same again. We will have to learn to live with masks, SOPs, lock-downs, and whatever aftermath that covid19 brings about. As the new year rolls around, most of humanity places its hope on a magic vaccine that's being or soon to be rolled out in nations, despite the fact that science already acknowledges it's not a miracle cure, and no expert can predict its long-term effects. 

Such is the fragility of hope in man. Everybody naturally looks forward to a better tomorrow. But "better" is a matter of perspective. Is it better to allow access to my personal data through all sorts of digital apps, knowing that it can end up being misused in the wrong hands? Or being injected with a man-made vaccine, not knowing what that injection can do to my body 5 years down the line? And does it mean, if I buck the trend and decide not to follow the crowd, so to speak, is my tomorrow less "better"? Am I being "socially irresponsible" in choosing the road that's less crowded or less travelled? 

I am not being a doomsday prophet  but a lot of people are going to be disappointed if they think covid19 is ever going to go away with a shot in the arm. In fact if we believe WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, things will not get better. He said on the first International Day of Epidemic Preparedness on 27/12/20:  "The coronavirus crisis will not be the last pandemic, and attempts to improve human health are "doomed" without tackling climate change and animal welfare." Apparently way back in September 2019 , the first annual report on world readiness for health emergencies – published a few months before coronavirus broke out – said the planet was woefully unprepared for potentially devastating pandemics. So the warning is already on the wall, as he puts it, "History tells us that this will not be the last pandemic, and epidemics are a fact of life." How's that for realism and truth? 

We are all entitled to our own opinions of course. I, for one, just don't want to tie my life down to bemoaning and  jumping like a yo-yo, following the day's tally of covid19 cases reported. I don't need to join the ever-active keyboard warriors in castigating the government, politicians, or ordinary "disobedient" citizens who go around gallivanting across borders to enjoy some fresh air and sunshine with friends or family.  I just do what I should and can do in my own personal capacity, and move on with life.

In fact even without covid19, things were already bad for the world. As early as April 2020, David Beasley, head of UN World Food Programme through his Rome-based organization which won the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize highlighted to the UN Security Council that the world was facing a "hunger pandemic" and "multiple famines of biblical proportions."  On 28/12/20, in a news report 8 months down the line, his update: "Even before covid19 hit, 135 million people were marching towards the brink of starvation. This could double to 270 million within a few short months." Chief scientist of UN FAO Ismahane Elouafi is reported to have said that more than 50 million people in East and Central Africa already require emergency food aid and those numbers are set to rise. For the record as of today, covid19 cases in the world  stand at about 82 million , with 1.8 million deaths, and 58 million recovered. That translates into 3% death and 97% recovery rate.

Actually it's most interesting a UN agency would refer to "famines of biblical proportions." Indeed whatever is happening in the world was already foretold more than 2000 years ago in the Holy Bible, by Jesus Himself. Of course it's debatable which period He is talking about when He states "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, and in various places famines and pestilences. And there will be terrors and great signs from heaven." (Luke 21:10-11).  Never in human history has all of these calamities happened all at once all over the world. 

So whether it's from human experts or God, it looks like tomorrow will not exactly get better, if we are talking about an easier or safer life on earth. But on the other hand, if we look at it from  another perspective, there's always a better tomorrow. After all, if I know for a fact that my life is held safe in the hands of my Creator, it's He who decides when to end my days on earth, not a virus, an accident, a sickness or whatever else that can hit  . For those who choose to believe that Jesus Christ came 2020 years ago, lived, died and rose again, there is no fear of anything already. I have chosen to believe and trust in something bigger than what mere man can offer - a divine hope based on what only God can give - abundant life on earth and eternal life thereafter. For sure it's not going to be ride-in-the-park with no problems in the here and now, but at the very least, it's a life truly free of all fear.  

There is nothing to fear what God says will come to pass anyway. He knows what He is doing, even if I don't.  My late husband used to tell me not to ask so many questions. He said everything in life should be on a "need-to-know" basis. There were things in his life he refused to tell me, because he deemed it not necessary for me to know. I think it saved me a lot of heartaches and headaches that way. I guess that's how God sees it too. I know things look bad, and will get worse. I don't know how or when God will do what only He can do. But throughout my 20+ years relationship with a living God, He has always worked all (especially bad) things out for good. That's what He promised in His Word, and that's what He will do, without fail, because of who He is - a faithful and good Father in heaven. 

So yes, I can see a better tomorrow, because my God is already ahead of me, in it. 

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"..Rom 8:24-25 

Not So Normal

Yes, I know, the world will never be the same again, because of 1 tiny virus that has ravaged lives and livelihood throughout almost the entire earth, except for some places which I am sure many of us have never heard of until now : Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru, North Korea, Palau, Samoa, Solomon Islands, Tonga, Turkmenistan, Tuvalu, Vanuatu (according to an Al Jazeera report as of May 22).  Infections have hit the 5 million mark, with more than 330,000 deaths.

We tend to forget disease outbreaks are actually nothing new. The earliest plague scientists recorded apparently happened way back in prehistoric times circa 3000 BC. The Black Death  in the 1300s which lasted some 7 years wiped out 1/2 of Europe's population, with an estimated 200 million deaths. In more recent times, the 2009 swine flu infected as many as 1.4 billion people across the globe and killed an estimated 575,000 people . AIDS has claimed some 35 million lives to date since its discovery in 1981.

Of course knowing all these statistics is cold comfort to us, since it's already history and I venture few (if any) of us were personally directly  involved in those episodes. But it does put things into perspective, when we consider a response to covid19.  To the mantra  Stay Home, Stay Safe is now added another  phrase - the new normal. Oxford Dictionary should surely add that to its latest definition.  To me, the nice fancy term translates into 2 short words - Keep Away.... from people.

Effectively it means no parties, weddings or any  festive celebrations, no hugging or hi-5s, in short no-touch me, and no-touch you. Heck, we can't even sit at the same table as 1 big happy  family if we want to go out for a jolly birthday dinner. Mega-churches can forget about meeting by the thousands in their nice big sanctuaries. Gone are the days when we (that means all Malaysians) can easily and  merrily hop into the car and drive off in  balik-kampung exodus whenever there's a long break (doesn't matter what festival it is, as long as it stretches over the weekend).

The new normal means spending at least an hour, queue-ing to get into the wet market grounds just to buy some pork to vary the chicken, chicken, chicken menu. Perhaps it's a good time to consider going ve-gan.  I grouch because I don't understand the rationale of so many standing in line, waiting for one person to exit before another one can be admitted,  when inside the open-air space, there's hardly 15 people at the spread-out stalls. Ok, I am just venting. Seriously though, I don't think SOPs (which are good in themselves) should be blindly followed to a "T" , without taking into account or allowing for local environment adaptations.

A friend called me up one day after the MCO was relaxed conditionally to  ask me what's going on in a certain hyper-market, apparently there were tons of people lining up to get in and cars parked haphazardly everywhere. Beats me. Must be everyone just needs to go somewhere instead of staying home.  Which just goes to show human beings are not designed for isolation.

If more proof of my theory is needed, consider some of the things that are being done in the new normal of social distancing. Personally I already so dislike the masks that have become part of the new normal 'wardrobe' not just because my glasses fog up (no matter what I do) but simply because I can no longer see people smile. Ok, so I am being petty. I should just get one of those quirky masks with painted-on smiles, except that I don't quite fancy looking like some Joker or clown with a permanent red slash on my face.

Now I read of mannequins, cardboard cut-outs, and stuffed soft toys being put into empty chairs to provide "company" for  sit-alone diners or tired shoppers.  A restaurant  came up with 'bumper-boat' tables, where you can eat all by yourself, encased in the center of a huge  rubber tube, like a giant tyre-wraparound. Another  gives its customers  'noodle' hats with  long tubes stretched atop like some monster alien contraption to keep fellow diners at bay. For those who like the "background noise" of people talking, there's even piped-in chatter that can be played out on speakers.   A   professional soccer league put blow-up dolls on  stadium seats to "watch" the game, complete with cheer-placards and all, only to have it pointed out that they were  sex dolls. A  baseball team had a band of robot drummers to replace the usual live-music. So much for spectator-sports. A school has started its students wearing big wings (definitely not angelic)  to keep them apart in class. Even funerals have been affected. No more can we grieve the loss of loved ones according to our faiths; it's become a rush-rush job to just bury a dead body.

Isn't it so sad when we have to resort to fake humans or stuffed animals to sit with us,  cheer us on or keep us apart?  Now the experts are saying even talking is risky, because saliva droplets can be released into the air so easily. Might as well stop talking altogether at this rate. So welcome to the new normal, which for some, may likely become permanent. Is this the 'new world order '  we are expected to embrace, because we fear a virus we cannot control, as yet, actually if ever? Is this the price we have to pay to protect ourselves/others from a potential killer? Small price we say. It's not like we are being chained up; it's just giving up a few personal freedoms , learning to be more disciplined about cleanliness. Surely that's a good thing. I understand all the rationale behind all the rules we devise to try to 'adjust' to living with this thing in our midst.

It's just that to me, it's not normal.  Human beings are social beings. One person's touch, a smile can mean so much to another. It's been over 2 months since I last visited my late husband's 95 year old adopted mum in the old folks home.  She doesn't remember much now, but she smiles whenever I drop by with the soft bun/cake I would always bring along for her.  I wonder if ever I will get to see her bare-toothed smile again.  During the lock-down ,  I was so burdened when I couldn't visit  a friend who was going through a rough patch. We wanted so much to meet; I wished I could have just  given my hurting friend a hug. Instead we had to be content with crying and praying over the phone.  No zoom meeting can ever replace the warmth of a hug from one heart connected to another. Yes, I know I  can go hug my cats, but it's just not the same.

Honestly I  don't fancy living in this kind of deliberately-enforced  disconnected world. And honestly I don't think we should be living in this kind of world either.  Come to think of it, social distancing is an anomaly in terms - all the distancing already cancels out the social part.

Is there any other alternative? I don't know,  but I am reminded of the stories in my bible of how Jesus reached out to touch lepers in His day. Highly contagious people, no  sane person would touch a leper with a mile-long pole.  Yet not just lepers, He even touched dead bodies and brought them back to life.  Jesus, fully human in His earthly life, drew near, in love, to touch, to heal human beings, when others kept the distance.

An invisible  virus has already unleashed death, wrecked economies, locked down nations. How far are we going to allow it to steal the only thing that makes us human -  the way we love, connect and relate to each other -  in this  new (not so) normal world ? Call me naive, silly, whatever, but I choose to believe love is - should be -  always  more powerful than fear.

" So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 

How Safe is Safe

Malaysia went into lock-down on March 18 . I would have thought that after some 50 days of being
cooped up at home, everybody would be applauding the PM's latest announcement of a conditional MCO, which would  effectively open  up most businesses and allow  people to return to a semblance of a (somewhat) normal life. Instead a whopping 420,000 folks have objected to it and indeed  some states have decided to continue the lock down,  till the original date of May 12, which is about 10 days away.
As I (sometimes) scroll through the online news comments section, it seems a vast majority seem to favor longer lock-down periods. All have one thing in common - it's too soon, it's necessary to have everyone stay at home for our own and everyone else's safety.  The mantra Stay Safe, Stay at Home is repeated  through news, videos, songs,  speeches by medical experts, government authorities and  active keyboard warriors on all social media channels.
Many are calling for prudence and  caution  instead of flinging open the 'flood-gates' to a possible 2nd outbreak. I do not  under-estimate the dangers of this plague that has (to date)  exceeded the 3 million mark world-wide, with a death toll of over 228,000 in 210 countries. It's a tragedy of epic proportion. That small thing called coronavirus doesn't discriminate between sex, age, gender, race or nation. It seeks to steal health, kill life, and destroy people.
And yes, that's scary. Because no one fancies losing all that ultimately is the most precious  - health, life, people. It's a human instinct to want to survive. So we go all out to preserve ourselves as much as we can, for as long as we can. We don't mind giving up some freedom if that's what it takes to halt the spread of this plague that has turned the world upside-down.
I am fine with all that, except for the uncertainty and the cost of all this well-intentioned effort to stay home to stay safe. Yes, I know, lock-down works - look at China. So we just follow what works, right. Wrong. What many seem to be forgetting or ignoring  is the fact that lock-downs will not make the virus disappear. So it begs the question, how long should a lock-down  last? As has already been repeatedly pointed out by medical experts, is impossible to expect zero cases, no matter how long we lock ourselves down. In fact we have been told point-blank, be prepared to live with covid19 for the next couple of years at the very least, by which time (hopefully) science should  come up with a vaccine.
It's all well, good and so easy to scream stay home, when "home" is a nice spacious house with a hall, kitchen, 2/3/4/5 separate rooms with attached toilets. When the fridge is well-stocked with food, there's money in the bank account  and  everyone  has got their own I-phone, tablet,  lap-top, TV, all the modern gadgets that help us stay safe and comfortable .
Too bad for the undocumented migrants or refugees cramped twenty to a   room, 100 lining up to use  a common toilet outside the dorm. So sad for those stuck in public flats with 4/5/9 children, where the husband has been laid off because his boss' business has no business to run, and the wife can no longer sell her goreng-pisang at the road-side.  Oh, of course, there's government aid and NGOs helping out. How long can $1600 by staggered payment last an average of 4 in a family? What about  families who live in villages so deep in the jungle that can only be accessed by boat or 4WD - how long are they expected to wait for help to arrive, and how long is help going to keep coming? What's more important - food on the table or  hand-sanitizers and masks?
It seems to me the very premise of staying home is faulty if we simply equate it to staying safe forever.  I am all for taking personal responsibility to do all that is reasonably practical but one day the MCO has to be lifted. Then how are we going to be "safe", unless everybody in the house  intends to stay home and keep others out forever.  Or maybe someone can invent a "bubble-suit" to cover up our entire body when we go out, to avoid human contact altogether.  Actually I really miss seeing smiles; nowadays almost  every face is hidden behind a mask, which makes people look so grim.
The fact is there is absolutely no guarantee I or anyone else can be  totally safe from covid19, whether it's staying home, or religiously sanitising hands, putting on masks, social distancing or avoiding crowds. All the SOPs are very good precautions and should be followed, but they can only reduce - not eradicate - risks of infection. None can guarantee safety in the sense that whoever sticks to it will never get infected. Because let's face the truth - man has not come up with anything that can take it out, yet. Incidentally a China study reported it has already mutated into 30 over strains. Don't even talk about asymptomatic and recurring cases, to which we have no answers as yet. That's not intended to create more fear ; it just complicates matters more.
Sometimes the worst fear is not the thing itself, but the fear of the thing. Human nature is always susceptible to  all sorts of fears; whether it's covid19, lightning, darkness, heights, cockroaches, creepy-crawlies, sickness, accidents, failures, pain, death. The root of all fear is the loss of control over our lives. We don't like having to admit this "thing", whatever it is, will  affect our lives  adversely, whether it's physically, emotionally or financially. So we instinctively kick into defense mode to try to reduce the risks of being hit, in this case we think another 10 days extra lock down will (hopefully) clear more of that virus from our atmosphere, even if actually, no one can guarantee that, whether it's 10 days or 100 or 1000 for that matter.
The fear level goes up or down, depending on the latest figures of new infections, and we forget everything else, including the fact that there are  people  who are going to die, not because of covid19, but because they have no money to buy food for even 1 basic meal a day.  Spare a thought for all those "out there" who are not like "us" , before we are so quick and willing to be locked down.
So how safe is safe? If we 'escape' covid19 for now, are we safe from other plagues that may/will come upon the earth , from crises in our lives, from death itself?  Perhaps if we would believe  that all life is ultimately in  the hands of an all- powerful Creator who loves His creation and has our best interests in His heart, in spite of many things  that we don't understand or cannot control, then we can still be at peace, knowing that nothing, absolutely nothing,  can cut short our time on earth, which is already pre-determined anyway. I like how my Bible puts it, Perfect love casts out all fear.


Published MMO 4/5/2020

Plans and Parasites

The first time I knew there was a movie called Parasite was when I was at the cinema for another show actually. I looked at the poster bill-board along the cinema hall, and I thought to myself... must be another Korean horror movie ... I had only seen 1 Korean show so far - Train to Busan, the zombie movie, and honestly that was quite enough for me, since I am not a horror fan. Of course I had a turn-around change of heart when news emerged that Parasite had the distinction of being the first foreign film to win a number of Academy Awards, one of which was for best picture; and no, it wasn't a horror movie after all.

It was being re-run at the cinemas due to the Oscar win and so contrary to normal, even though it was a weekday, the hall was quite full. But since I was alone, I managed to get a good (single) seat right in the centre, which offered an excellent view of the screen. The movie was actually quite long - a good 2 hours. I didn't expect much, as my children who had already seen it said it was an 'ok' drama.

But I liked it. Probably because it's easy for me to relate to the themes of family and the rich vs the poor in society. After all, it's not just in Korea; the poor are everywhere. Early in the movie, the scene where a drunk peed outside the basement window where the Kim family live reminded me so much of the homeless guys I meet every Saturday in a KL backstreet- alley, urinating at the big garbage dumpsters in full public view. I drive home after feeding them at our sessions there to my (nice) 2 storey house in the suburbs, passing by the bungalows in my (nice) neighborhood, which is really just like the residence of the rich Park family in the movie.

So yes, I can definitely relate to Parasite's pointed juxtaposition of class, where poverty and riches differentiate human beings and drive people to do crazy (sometimes really awful) things on both sides of the divide. Lest we think the rich have it easy, well, I would just say they only have less one, albeit important, thing to worry about - money. So they can afford to buy camping-tents from America, shop for fresh big prawns in air-conditioned malls and have drivers, maids and private tutors at their beck and call. They may have very well-stocked refrigerators and private basements full of wine, but they still have to deal with not-quite-normal children and love not-so-lovable spouses.

Whenever I am inclined to envy the rich, especially when I hear news reports of how some people in this country actually have billions passing through their bank accounts or RM2 million is just pocket change to them, I remember they may also have much bigger problems to handle than me. I actually pity the fragile wife in the movie; all the shopping, trips and partying only add up to more stress in her so-rich life. What's there to envy when your only son has behavior problems on top of throwing fits, and your husband gets murdered before your eyes in the midst of a "nice" birthday party, right in front of all your VIP guests?

 Of course that's all drama - it's a movie. But like I always say, reel life imitates real life. Lots of money in the bank doesn't equate to a "good" life, depending of course on how one defines good. There's an old uncle I regularly meet at my street-feeding sessions but no one would have guessed that he is actually rich. He stands quietly in a corner to smoke his pipe, and then sits down to eat free food in the dirty back-street alley in the company of  society's  forgotten "drifters and rejects".  He's got a house somewhere, but it's not a home. His kids are all overseas, which means they must be doing well. After the Chinese New Year, he tells me none of them came back, and none of them invited him to join them for any family reunion. If only I had known earlier, the least I could have done would be to invite him to my house for CNY dinner.

Obviously the poor gets hit harder. So I can sympathize with the Kims' lot, living in a cramped basement where literally everything gets swept away when the rain floods in. I remember the early years of my own childhood, living upstairs in a rented room of a tailor shop, sleeping in between my father and mother on a mat covering the wooden floor-planks, all our meagre earthly possessions stored in paper bags hanging around us. At night I always imagined there were monsters hiding in those bags. I was trained from young to empty the urine-pot every morning, because there was no bathroom upstairs and my mom had weak legs . Just like the Kims having their meal at a truck-eatery, I would cross the road to buy a few cents worth of porridge and salted veg from a stall, where all the local trishaw-pullers ate squatting on wooden benches. I didn't realise I was poor then, because I was too young to know what it is to be 'rich' and have a whole house all to oneself.

I can definitely relate to the Kims enjoying the comfort of their employer's house, as if it was their own, 'stealing' the time to eat, drink and be merry, when the boss and family go away on a camping trip. As the plot unfolds , I appreciated why the film is entitled Parasite - an organism that feeds off the host. But surely being poor does not, cannot justify, deception and fraud in playing on the vulnerabilities of a rich, not-very-smart family and even more so at the expense of hurting others in the process of 'better-ing' one's own circumstances in life. What an irony, that the "poor" Kims literally robbed their own kind when their devious schemes disposed of the Parks' original driver and house-maid, so they can feed off the 'host' family.

There's a saying that what goes around comes around. Evil will always haunt the evil-doer. So it's the old house-maid and her dark secret in the basement of the mansion designed by an award-winning architect that proves to be the unraveling of what was supposed to be the Kims' perfect plan. It had all started out so well; step by step, one after another of the family had been successfully brought into the Park residence under false pretenses.

But even the most well-laid plan can go awry. So as the film draws to a climax, with the father and son turned 'refugees' sleeping in a public gym to escape the flood that hits their neighborhood, and the son asks the father what/how now? - he replies almost stoically, "... you know what kind of plan never fails? No plan at all. No plan. You know why? If you make a plan, life never works out that way....... With no plan, nothing can go wrong and if something spins out of control, it doesn't matter. Whether you kill someone or betray your country."

 Indeed some people are so 'fluid' they go through life without any plan; whether it's something as simple as what to eat for lunch to serious stuff like if they should get married or migrate. This kind of people wouldn't bother with Benjamin Franklin's famous quote , "If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail." On the other hand making all sorts of plans from A-Z to cater for every contingency can end only in unfulfilled expectations and disappointment.

Just like what happened in Malaysia recently, when there was such a confusing mass (maybe mess is more accurate) of plans tossed about that kept changing at such dizzying pace, no one quite knew what was happening behind all the scenes.  I dare say Malaysia must be the only country in the world where the position of ruling and opposition parties can be reversed literally overnight through the "plans" of just 222 out of 32 million people. There were plans, plans and more plans, and I suspect the planning is still going on.

In such tumultuous times, I take comfort in what the Bible states : "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21) . Men can shout all they want about their "oh-so-well-intentioned" plans, but as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I'd rather depend on God's Word that says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11).

That promise was given to a people taken captive into exile after their nation had been invaded by foreign forces. It definitely wasn't a "good" time at all. But thank God for God, as His purposes are always for good, no matter how long it takes, no matter how bad things appear in the natural realm. Unlike man, God is totally dependable, so His plans are always the best plans.

"God is not a man that He should lie....Has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not fulfill it? " - Numbers 23:19

Inside-Out Vision

I went to the wet-market a week before Chinese New Year to stock up, knowing the stalls would most likely be closed for a full week of holidays. I have been going to this particular market for more than 20 years, so I count myself a 'regular'; many of the sellers have seen my children grow up. The lady at the taufu stall commented as she packed my normal order that there's really nothing special about new year anymore; it's the same year in, year out - first all the 'balik kampung' and reunion meals, then it's back to the same old grind of work, work, work. That's kinda depressing, but on the face of it, it really is just like a washing machine cycle... Hit Start,  and it goes Wash, Rinse, Spin, Repeat.  So what else is new about new year.

Well, this is the second year running we didn't join the balik kampung jam. This time the excuse was one of my girls packed herself off to holiday overseas. Anyway I understand why my children are not exactly enthusiastic about seeing people they only meet once a year. Apart from the blood-tie, honestly , there's not much of a relationship to speak of.  Maybe it's my fault, for not putting in the effort to cultivate the family bonds when they were young. Maybe we are just strange, in not being particularly hung up about reunions and "stuff like that."

Be that as it may, we had our own small 4 pax home-cooked reunion dinner , minus the one who had flown off.  During the long break, my eldest princess sportingly agreed to watch The Garden of  Evening Mists with me   Widely acclaimed, based on a book written by a Malaysian, featuring a Malaysian cast, and to top it all, set in our very Malaysian Cameron Highlands, it's a beautifully-told if somewhat odd love-story, weaving a drama out of some of the most significant moments of our nation's history.

I have only read of the horrors of the Japanese occupation and Communist insurgencies in Malaysia; never having had to live through it, I could never pretend to understand the terrible trauma of the victims who experienced it.  But terms such as sex slaves take on a different weight when the movie screen captures the indescribable atrocity- young girls forcibly pulled away, and men just going in and out of the door where they are "kept".   Lest we forget wickedness is in every man, no matter what the race, the movie also captures the meaningless violence meted out by communists against the locals and British in the aftermath of the Japanese surrender. Lesson of the day: we are all human, we do really rotten things to each other in the name of war, power and (so-called) ideals.

So how could the heroine,  who watched her sister ushered into a cave with other prisoners get blown up, love "the enemy"? And a weird one, too. Call the handsome hero the perfect inscrutable stoic... all aloof, proud, arrogant  and every bit a hard task-master as he puts her through the harsh rigors of building a garden in the middle of nowhere. The only thing missing from this virtual slave-driver is a whip in his hands.  This isn't your ordinary lover-boy; he just walks off and disappears into the forest one morning.  He's no ordinary gardener either. He speaks in truncated English in mind-provoking riddles, so often  that she has to ask "Do you always talk like that?" But it's precisely through him that she obtains the healing and finally closure of her painful past.

There was a scene where he calls her to sit with him and look out through the open door. Both see the same physical stuff - the garden taking shape, the stones, trees, grass, sky. As he puts it, outside all look the same, but if we look at it from our inside we all see different.

That's a simple but profound truth. What do we see in a new year 2020? Everything seems the same every year anyway; the new year becomes old soon enough. But the old can be different, if we 'see' from inside-out. The Bible calls it vision; it means a mental sight, a dream, revelation or oracle.

Many a time, it's hard to believe there can be a better tomorrow, especially when we are stuck, consciously or unconsciously,  in the throes of yester-years, which for many, are not exactly the 'good old days.' Many a time , it's hard to believe for a bright future, especially when all over the world, there's still injustice, oppression, ill and evil which actually seem to be increasing....

Even before Covid-19 hit China, a billion animals had perished in Australia's disastrous bush-fire. And just when it seemed the worst was over for her, along came the floods - news report the weather as "apocalyptic" and unprecedented in history. Meanwhile 77 earthquakes have rocked Mt Taal in the Philippines, as the country keeps a close watch on the active volcano.  And we are just talking Asia. Over in  Africa, a plague of biblical proportions, what the UN terms  the most devastating plague in living memory,  is unfolding with hundreds of billions of locusts swarming over nations, even extending beyond Africa. Put it down to global warming, climate change or whatever scientists want to label it...that's just the natural physical sphere, not even counting the number of armed conflicts going on in various parts of the world....  the earth is literally groaning under its own weight.

All this when 2020 is barely 2 months old.... What do we see, can we see beyond the obvious ...the fear, the bad and the ugly? I see reality on the outside, like every ordinary human being, and it doesn't look good. But I also choose to see from my inside - from what I know of an extraordinary God whose ways and thoughts are much higher than human ways and thoughts. It's a theme repeated throughout the Bible; faith grounded in the goodness of God - no matter what the bad that happens -  births a hope Divine, such that out of ashes come forth beauty, out of mourning springs joy eternal.

"Where there is no vision, the people perish "..Proverbs 29:18 .

Change No Change

Time has a way of zipping past unnoticed even before we can say how time flies.  So it is now 1 year 2 months since my status changed from employed to  retired. Some things don't change however,  like my built-in body alarm clock that wakes me up very early at 530  in the morning.  One would have thought I should sleep in since there's no "work"  to go to.  But I have always been an "early bird" , the difference now is I don't need to rush anymore,  so I take my own sweet time about my exercise routine,  alternating cycling round the neighborhood with jogging in the playground field behind my house.  I can afford a leisurely breakfast,  pouring over what's the latest bad news in town and in the world .  Somehow bad news always make  headlines more than good news.

Back in Nov 2018, I didn't have any idea  what I would  do after stepping out of the kindergarten that had been my destination every morning for 17 years. Initially it was a clearing frenzy,  as I got down to tackling the store-room and garden plots.  A year down the line,  my store-room is rid of clutter. My front garden has  fully matured; every morning I am greeted by blooms of various colors amidst  the green grass.  The back garden however hasn't turned out quite as well.  I tried to grow vegetables,  but I suspect  the soil isn't fertile,  so besides just maintaining a few spring onions,  chives,  pandan and serai, I planted flowering plants  instead.  Now the purple morning glory and another vine bearing deep blue flowers is climbing and covering my back fence beautifully.

Nowadays I have lots more time and freedom to do stuff at my own pace.  Turning 3 score years old has its perks, one of which is discounted movie tickets during certain week-days. Which was how I ended up watching the final (so they say) Star Wars series some time back. Even though I have lost track of all the sequels and pre-quels and don't really know who's who anymore, except for the "original" players. I just enjoy the robots and action stuff.  Actually I found the Rise of Skywalker disappointing for the most part. I couldn't help thinking why the heroine Rey keeps frowning as if she has the whole world on her shoulders. Well, maybe she has, what with trying not to get tempted, reining in her dark side on the one hand and saving the planet on the other. And some of the scenes were really drawn-out, like how long does it take to celebrate a victory, how many people do you need to hug and kiss and hi5 to show how happy everybody is?

At least the fighting scenes were commendable, especially the big battle between the heroine and her counterpart, Kylo Ren, the proverbial black-sheep  who had turned from good to evil. But it was the quiet scene between  Han Solo, the father of Kylo which touched me most. When father says I miss you, son, and he replies, Your son is dead, and the rejoinder is No, Kylo Ren is dead. My son is alive. .. Come home, and father calls son by his original name..Ben.

Hollywood probably didn't know it, but that line was spoken more than 2000 years ago by the greatest story-teller of all time - Jesus Christ, who told the parable of the son who chose to walk away from a father who loved him, because he wanted to be free.  The father kept on looking out for his return, and finally  the young man did come back, totally changed and repentant of heart, recognizing that so-called freedom had only brought him to financial, physical and spiritual bankruptcy. Yet instead of expected punishment from the father he spurned and insulted, he was rewarded with a big party . And the most beautiful words of a love-sick father - " For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found" (Luke 15:24) 

The biblical allegory pointed to the most wondrous love of a heavenly Father who longs for the return of His creation - mankind who chose to reject their Creator, going their own way, preferring to do their own thing.  Such is the patience of a loving Father, He doesn't strike wayward sons and daughters with lightning and thunderbolts from the sky. Instead He just waits, and waits, and waits. Till finally when they touch bottom,  they come to their senses, they are changed and they come home.  This Father isn't into revenge or punishment, instead He throws a party in heaven where all the angels are invited to celebrate a sinner turned around on earth.

Kylo Ren changed back to being Ben, the son of his father. He walked out from the darkness his soul had fallen into, back into the light of love, that enabled him to do all the right things, even to  the point of death. Such is the strength of a love that never fails.

I found that love 20 years ago.  I didn't even know I was lost then,  like the prodigal son, my only concern then was I, me and mine.... until the bottom literally fell out of my world, when my husband passed away.  But it's so true, God's light shines the brightest in the deepest darkness, to open up mankind's (my) blind eyes to the greatness and sweetness of His incomparable love.

It's like those sabers in Star Wars that flash so brilliantly as they clash in combat. Which recalls to me how  Luke Skywalker comes back from the past and hands over Leia's saber to Rey.  When she is questioned what she is most afraid of , her answer was "Myself."  How perceptive, and honest.  We really are our own worst enemies when we allow fear to control our lives, and others. Yet it's so subtle we don't even recognize it as fear; it comes in so many disguises. More than just  the 'usual' fears of bad things happening, it lurks behind pride, independence,  power, even good . Jesus recognized evil when He saw it in Peter, the disciple, who refuted the necessity of His dying on the cross.  Of course Peter didn't want Jesus to die; losing a loved one to death is a terrible thing. But Jesus knew there are more terrifying things than physical death.

There's only 1 cure for fear, at least in my book - the Bible prescribes it - "Perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18)  And there's only 1 perfect love which conquered the ultimate fear - death itself - when Jesus hung on the cross, hands stretched out to the max, to indicate the fullest extent of His love. 3 days later, an empty grave and a risen Christ is the proof of a living, eternal love that can never be robbed by death.

I was rather amused at how the traditional opening crawl of Star Wars began with the first line "The dead speak!" So there were a number of scenes where  past characters who had died appeared like white ghosts to speak. That's Hollywood. But beyond fancy holograms, 2000 years ago, a dead Jesus who  resurrected alive  from the grave not only spoke, but walked through locked doors, BBQ-ed and ate fish on the beach, and got taken up to heaven. All of which were witnessed by people willing to die (and did die) proclaiming it to be true.  So it sounds plain crazy , illogical, even impossible with man, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Those who believe need no other reason to believe , and those who don't believe will find a million reasons not to believe anyway.

Rey was given the 2 sabers to "finish the journey", which on the face of it was to defeat the bad guys and save her world. But for me, that wasn't the end. The end was when she finally recognized who she was . From being "just" Rey, she could now confidently introduce herself as Rey Skywalker, the last Jedi. That had always been her destiny, and finally she 'got it.'  Likewise every human being has a destiny; what we are really meant to be . Get that right, the rest of life will follow. Only a destiny gives our lives a meaningful hope , to know somehow that we are more than just  physical bodies that end up  6 feet underground , eaten by worms.  We either walk into or walk away from our destiny; and depending on which direction we choose, we end up changed,  either for better or for worse.
"Rend your heart,  and not your garments.  Return to the Lord,  your God for He is gracious and compassionate,  slow to anger,  abounding in love,  and He relents from sending calamity " - Joel 2:13