Ground Zero

It hit me hard; I didn't see it coming at all. I thought I could just walk off with no damage, beyond shedding a few sentimental tears. After all, I had already prepped myself up since 2 years ago for the day I would quit. At that time I had decided to leave the job on my own accord, but to my chagrin, I was thoroughly rebuked by my Big Boss in heaven with a pointed question, "Who asked you to leave? I am giving you one more year of grace." Well, when He talks, I better listen, if I know what's good for me. Come 2018, I could go, according to His time. The only problem was I didn't expect it to end like this.

It's often said the deepest hurts are caused by people who are closest to us. Actually that truism isn't confined to just  family members, but extends into a wider circle of friends, colleagues, bosses, even strangers. Who hasn't been hurt before anyway; by the same token, who amongst us dare say we have never ever hurt others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Which just goes to show, we are all the same, no matter what our skin color, religion, status, gender or age. I have seen with my own eyes kids as young as 4 years old mocking friends who can't sing the alphabet song or color inside the line. And let's not get started about the horrible words people throw at each other behind the anonymity of social media. Some say it's only words, but to me, it's verbal murder; it reveals a heart that doesn't care about others.  My daughter shrugs it off as freedom of expression. I can't, not because I can't be 'thick-skin' but because I do not think freedom extends to abuse; physical or otherwise. And I just happen to think everyone can disagree without being rude or hostile.

Hurts are very real. And painful. Emotional wounds are literally a stab in the heart. It can get so bad it drives some to suicide. Others build a wall of denial so thick they don't even know, nor will they ever admit, they are in denial. Me, I curl up inside of me and cry. And cry, and cry. I take comfort in God's word that "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" (Psalm 56:8,) Many times, especially when I feel all battered up inside, I wondered how many bottles of my tears God has in His hand. I don't know how big His bottles are, but I imagine it's bottomless, like His love. And I am consoled; like a crying baby finally pipes down when embraced by loving hands.

Sometimes though, the tears keep coming, afresh; when the hurt is especially bad. Like when I see my children ignoring/abandoning  the God who promised that He is Father to the fatherless (them) , defender of widows (me); but since it's their choice,  there's nothing I can do about it, except cry and pray. Like when people I assumed would do the right thing turn around and do the exact opposite. Like when you get to hear the gossip that goes on behind your back. Like when all that you ever held dear seemingly gets pulled out from under your feet.

So there I was, stunned by the speed of it all. One after another - job, ministry, cell, church - everything that had kept me actively engaged for these past 16 years of life got swept away under a flood of tears. It no longer matters how it happened or the circumstances that led to it. I thought I was just reacting out of emotions, but when I asked God, He answered, not with one, but many confirmations that indeed it is His will that all this should happen. Still not satisfied, when I asked for a final word, He sent someone who didn't know anything about my actual situation, to tell me I can't move on without letting go.

Immediately the peace swept through my heart; and I understood I was being stripped of everything I had depended on or boasted in, so that now I would have nobody and nothing else left except Him. I was becoming zero so He could become 100% in my life. Christians call it dying to self, so that Jesus becomes our all in all. Just like Jesus Himself had to die on the cross, so that the whole earth would be filled with the knowledge of the glory of God. If Jesus didn't die, there would have been no resurrection; if there was no resurrection, there would be no salvation for the world. We would all be dead, literally, physically, spiritually, in every sense of the word. Jesus had to let go of His life to save us from all that death would rob us of.

So too,  if I desired to move into another higher level in Him,  I had to let go of the old things holding me down, even  good things, even if it's a painful process. Because only God has the best plan for my life, something which I could never ever think up , no matter how smart or talented I think I am . I am learning hurt has gold buried somewhere inside it. There are always 2 reactions that hurt draws forth. It can either drive us towards or away from God. It's the ancient paradox of faith, that requires humans to choose to believe that in spite of bad things happening, God is always good. That God doesn't always prevent us from experiencing pain, suffering or evil. Those who expect God to justify Himself,  to answer the hard questions of life, will inevitably be disappointed and turn away to worship something/someone else, like the world or ourselves. 

Anyone who says Christianity is an easy way is either a liar or has yet to experience its true depth. How can it be easy to believe, trust and obey,  when it goes against our own desires, even when circumstances and logic dictate we should just give up on something as nebulous as God? How easy can it be to submit your will to another? In today's world, submission is a dirty word. It conjures up images of slaves driven by whips or robots with no will, programmed automatically to obey a command when a button is pushed.  But that's not how submission works with God. Someone put it so well that Christians choose to submit not as slaves, but as lovers of God, who appreciate that the One who first loved us enough to die for us would always have our best interests in His heart.  Still as much as I know that truth, it's easier said than done.  I can understand the doubts, I have had my  share of them.

But the good news is He doesn't reject me in spite of my weaknesses and lack of faith. Time and again, He proves His faithfulness; He comes through for me, if I only am willing to accept Him on His terms and stand on nothing more than His Word.  So whilst tears may blur my vision, and swords pierce my heart, I remember He is my Healer, Restorer, Deliverer, Redeemer, Savior, Lover and Beloved of my soul. And He is more than enough for me; He will pick me up and build me up from ground zero.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" Isaiah 43:19

No Heroes

My daughter had raved about the movie, so when she mentioned a friend was giving away two free tickets, I grabbed the offer. However I could only use 1 ticket, as none of my friends were free for the last-minute deal. I figured I could pass it on anyway. So I headed for the cinema counter, where there was a line of people queing. The reactions I got from the various people I approached to give away the free ticket were rather amusing to say the least. One actually veered away physically from me when I waved the ticket at her, as if I was the plague or something. A Chinese uncle was most interested until I told him it was for a Malay show. Another couple eyed me suspiciously, as they shook their heads. One guy's expression plainly showed his opinion of me - this woman must be mad. A young punk teasingly said he would sit beside me, just to keep me company, except that he was from Hong Kong and couldn't understand Bahasa. Funny, I guess no one goes around asking strangers if they want free movie tickets, except odd-ball old aunties like me? Anyway I gave up my good intentions since it was time to go into the movie hall...and so was wasted 1 ticket to a pretty provoking show.

The producer of this movie was apparently disappointed at its lack-lustre showing amongst  Malaysian audiences, especially since it was nominated for awards in some international film festivals.  Indeed the cinema hall on the day I went was not even half-full; there were barely 20 people, and only 2 non-Malays watching the show, one of them being this old aunty. Which is rather  regrettable, because actually it's a movie that's worthy of attention....

One Two Jaga  - what a weird title, I thought. It apparently references a children's game of Police and Thieves, a favourite of the good old days. I remember playing it many times in my childhood with friends.  I salute the producer for tackling a subject like police corruption in Malaysia. Everyone knows it happens, which reflects very badly on our guys in blue of course. It isn't fair, but the problem as always is with perspective, so no matter how few the 'black sheep', it taints the entire flock. And to play this issue up against the back-drop of illegal immigrants is a brilliant touch. Because the migrant problem is also a very real one in this country, which for the most part, remains sadly ignored altogether.

Indeed it's a 'heavy' movie. Don't expect any laughs.  I must say the settings in the movie are beautifully authentic, from typical run-down migrants quarters which I regularly see when I walk pass the back alleys of KL in my street ministry work to  crowds of foreigners milling around  certain streets in the city, jabbering on their hand-phones. In fact it's a good eye-opener for those of us who live in the rarefied atmosphere of air-conditioned offices and homes that there are actually people who live 'like that' in our midst.

But the loudest claps must go to the actors, who all play their parts very well, down to accented language and mannerisms of certain races. I could so identify with the characters, even to the long-haired, tattooed, chain-smoking self-proclaimed rebel-leader of the motley 'gang' of foreign construction workers. By the time of the climax scene, you just knew there would be no happily-ever-after ending for anyone.

If there was one theme to single out in this movie, it's simply all about money. How greed for it  drives people to murder, cheat, steal, even die for.  Whether it's to ease business deals or to support a family, bottom line is it's still greed, though we would rather term it 'need' so it doesn't sound so bad.  I like how the movie treats corruption as no respecter of persons  - whether it's the Malay or Chinese cop, the Indian datuk  or shopkeeper, the Indonesian in a construction site or the Filipino in a cyber-cafe - all are 'equalized' as  the disease sucks everyone into its deadly grasp. Much like sin, I venture. Doesn't matter whether we are a king or a beggar - we are all infected with this killer-strain called sin. Thanks to the innate survivalist instinct of every man for himself, and the desire to live life on our own terms, we strive and connive to get the best out of every situation, at the expense of others.

We may even think we are doing good, like the rookie cop, who merely wants to perform his job responsibly. So in the discharge of his public and professional duty, he pulls out his gun and shoots, all very justifiable, right and proper, according to him.  But who could have predicted the dire and tragic consequences of just one act of uncontrolled anger on so many lives? An innocent child died, a grieving father went berserk. A riot broke out. Many were hurt.  Likewise who could have imagined the single act of Adam's disobedience against God would condemn all the rest of mankind to eternal death?

I tried hard to look for some redeeming feature in this dark movie of life's realities. Yes, the hidden spider-web of corruption was exposed, most of the guilty were caught and punished according to law.  But to me, it was all rather depressing because I couldn't find any heroes to applaud, only victims. The stressed-out brother who labors so hard to get his runaway sister home to Indonesia ends up 'oiling' the wheels of corruption, because that's how the system works. The one righteous cop also failed in spite, despite, of all his good intentions to bring about justice.  It reminds me how we humans can try so hard to do right and still fail miserably. His experienced partner speaks the truth when he says it's no point, you arrest these today, many more will take their place tomorrow. In short, since you can't beat the system, might as well join it.

But some things are plain wrong, some things are plain right; and there's no in-between possible. Sin is sin, in God's eyes, no matter how small, no matter how justified or justifiable in human eyes. Maybe that's why many people get 'turned off' by God, because we just don't want anyone else to define what's right or wrong for us, and we certainly don't want to be held accountable to any other being except ourselves. Yet "there is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death" (Proverbs 14:12) . If we choose to refuse God's offer of eternal life through Christ, obviously death is the inevitable result. He doesn't force it down our throats, but the choice we make bears certain consequences - it determines how we end, in life and in death.

Ridiculously Impossible

None of my children were interested in following the exploits of an aging Tom Cruise in Fallout, the 6th in the  MI (Mission Impossible) franchise which apparently stretches back some 22 years ago. So I roped in an "old" fren to accompany me. I think she probably regretted having to sit for some 2 1/2 hours beside a very "jumpity" old aunty , who was so noisy "ooh-ing" and "ahh-ing" in the  (thankfully) almost empty cinema on a mid-day afternoon.  I don't think she's into ogling handsome (aging) hunks running, leaping through roof-tops, bungy-jumping off cliffs or flying burning helicopters. But I had the time of my life, biting my finger-nails and peering through half-covered eyes at the mind-numbing, almost non-stop action on the big screen. Added bonus for me - on top of the hero, even the turn-coat villain was such a handsome hunk. So definitely the latest MI flick gets not only my thumbs-up but all my other fingers-up too. Notwithstanding it's tried (or rather tired) formula of self-destructing messages and noble attempts to prevent evil-doers from blowing up the whole world with nuclear weapons.

Which come to think of it, is actually a very possible scenario after all, given the state of world affairs in this age. Especially since I am sure there are no lack of people whose minds are wired like Solomon Lane, the recurring antagonist in the series, bent on creating a new world order using terror to destroy, without any compunction whatsoever for life. So to him, it doesn't matter if billions get wiped out by deliberately-released diseases or simultaneous nuclear bombs exploding across continents. It's the same to him; he sees everything wrong with the current system, so he will overturn it.. any way... just like the old Sinatra song... " I did it my way."

But actually he's got a point - there's some truth to his declaration that " There cannot be peace without first, a great suffering. The greater the suffering, the greater the peace..." To the hero, he quotes a very relevant part of the pre-recorded message that always accompanies his top-secret assignments,  "Your mission , should you choose to accept it....and then he asks , " I wonder, did you ever choose not to? The end, you've always feared… it's coming… and the blood will be on your hands! The fallout of all your good intentions."

Isn't it true, we all have all sorts of good intentions. From simple things like getting "good" jobs to provide the best for ourselves and our families, to more altruistic stuff like taking care of the environment, doing charity to help the poor and marginalized, standing up for equal rights for all, preserving the peace of the nation... And mostly we do it according to the way/s we think best. Now and then, we may listen and adopt ideas from other people, other sources. We learn to sit together at round-tables to thrash out problems. Throughout all our good intentions, we  are faced inevitably with multiple choices - to do this, that or the other.

The point is simply this - there is always a price to pay for what's dear to us, or as the devil would put it, how much for your soul? The next issue is obviously are we prepared to pay the price. It doesn't matter what the intention is, it's irrelevant even whether it's good or bad (after all, that is a matter of perspective) .  Indeed the villain of MI had grandiose plans to make the earth a peaceful place. No matter that it ironically involved instilling fear and commission of murder.

The hero also had an equally noble intention - to save the world  - and he too went to great lengths on this motivation alone, in spite of set-backs, disappointments and betrayal. Both were prepared to die for their cause.  In fact the things the hero did were logically, physically, ridiculously impossible. Who can leap through roofs, as if they were roads, or maneuver a motorcycle (even if it's a super-duper bike) against layers of traffic , who can fly a helicopter with failed engines in an aerial fight to the death? And still walk away with the prize of a disabled detonator in the mouth, hanging onto a cliff face amidst the beauty of Kashmir's mountains? Well, heroes never die, they just live to fight another day. Even if they get killed off, it's so that good will always triumph over evil. That's movie-land.

We tend to shrug it all off when the lights come on and we walk back into the reality of our little mundane lives. Which is unfortunate, because actually movies mimic reality. We know deep in our hearts, somethings are just plain wrong when wars break out - no need to look afar to nations - just look outside our own backyard - to ordinary people pitted against each other, engaged in stirring up hate and mistrust instead of love and unity.  The reasons can vary from religion, race, gender, politics, values, morality. Most certainly death is a horrible tragedy, whether it's 1 individual dying of cancer, or thousands swallowed up by a tsunami. Surely a heart that's human must feel something at the common suffering of mankind and the bad things that happen all over the world. Is there a real hero we can actually hope in?  Or are we confined to just accepting what the mad Solomon Lane said... "The end, you've always feared… it's coming… and the blood will be on your hands! The fallout of all your good intentions."

The truth of the matter is man cannot save man, it doesn't matter what skin color we are born with, where we are located in the world, what political or religious stands we hold, we are all only one kind - sinners in the eyes of a Holy God who deserve  judgment. That, as we would say, is the bad news. But the God who so loved the world He created good has good news - He sent a hero, Jesus Christ, the Anointed One, incarnated into flesh and blood, to planet earth to do fantastic things. This hero  didn't come riding on a white horse or driving a fancy car. He simply walked around, or at most sat on a donkey, but He did crazy things - He opened blind eyes, healed all manner of sick, cast out demons, stilled the storm and raised the dead.  He didn't fight His enemies; He loved them.  He didn't cheat death; He conquered it by the greatest suffering of dying on a cross - by His blood wiping out forever the stain of sin from man's miserable record. And ultimately He did the impossible - He Himself rose up alive; a tomb couldn't shut Him in.

He could have chosen not to accept His assignment to save the world of man from destruction. But He didn't flinch; He went all the way and accomplished His mission - by His own death and resurrection. His story isn't a movie tale, cast in jaw-dropping high speed stunts.  In the eyes of doubting men, it is a ridiculously impossible story. But there was no falling out of the divinely ordained good intention - the salvation of sinners . And for those who dare believe Him, it's a story of hope secured, forgiveness assured, redemption purchased, victory attained - in this world and beyond. It's a story Hollywood can never compete with. 

'Those who heard it said, “Then who can be saved?” But Jesus said, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:26-27