Zaza is now buried in our garden, as with all our previous pets. The day before she was put down, I found her lying beside the car out in the porch. She was listless, a bundle of straggly fur, barely moving, with flies buzzing around her. Her breathing was labored and loud. She had been ill for a long time, none of the meds the vet prescribed had worked. Maybe because we never quite managed to get her to take them properly, for she hated them, and somehow had a "cat sense" to run off whenever we approached her with the syringe. After all her teeth were taken out, she had had difficulty eating even the softest kitty food. She hadn't eaten in days. We all knew it was time to say goodbye. The signs were all there. My eldest wats-apped in the morning to say she was gone. I cried at work. It's not that Zaza's my favourite cat. She's not; she was never 'affectionate' with any human. But after spending some 12 years - that's 84 years on the human time-line - with us, she's 'family'. My daughter got us a rose each to place on her grave. No more "tigress" in the house. The 'warrior princess' finally lost the battle, released from her earthly shell, as she poetically puts it. One would have thought I should have gotten used to losing pets by now. But death, even if it's "only" a pet, just isn't something that can be 'gotten used to'.Zaza's death was expected. That doesn't make it any easier to wait out or to bear after it happens, but at least there's a stoic acceptance of its inevitability. How much more difficult it must be for those who have to contend with beloved lives that are snatched away without any warning whatsoever... a sudden heart attack, an unexpected accident, a random violent act. But infinitely worse must be those unsolved mysteries that prevent a proper closure. Like disappearing aeroplanes and people.
Which is why I attended the candle-light vigil called to pray for Raymond Koh, Pastor, missing since he was dramatically abducted on a public road in broad daylight in what has been termed a 'professional' execution worthy of a military exercise. An on-line petition started on the issue has since garnered more than 5000 signatures. The candle-light vigil on Sunday night was supposed to be held at the Shah Alam Police HQ. But when we got there, we found the roads blocked and about half a dozen Light Strike Force fully armed guarding the entrance. What a joke...maybe it's to prevent the nicely polished floors of the building from being dirtied by dripping candle-wax? Still I wondered...how incongruous - riot shields against candles? In the end, people still gathered... at the adjacent car-park. And yes, the police parked themselves there as well.
But that was precisely the point. The gathering wasn't to demonstrate force or demand rights. The call was for a candle light vigil and prayer - the message was "to come together in solidarity with Pastor Raymond, his family and the PDRM in the desire for his safe return soon." Nothing about race, religion or politics. No condemnation, no speeches for anybody's resignation, no protest about the state of the nation on the agenda. Instead Susannah, the missing Pastor's wife, made a short moving public appeal for the abductors to release her husband. I have never been to a rally this quiet and low-key.
And the vigil ended simply, with prayer. Whoever wanted to, however it was done didn't matter. Open air prayer lifted up in appeal to heaven. At times like this, I ask myself what I should pray. Of course we all want to see a good ending to something that's so terribly bad. At the very least, the mystery of the disappearance should be solved, for it's the "not-knowing" that hurts so much.In our human reasoning, surely God, if there is a God, must want the same thing, if He is (supposedly) a good God. But unfortunately it doesn't quite happen that way many times in life on earth. Human that we are, we assume a 'good' life means no suffering, no pain, no inconveniences...life must be blue skies, sugar, spice and all things nice. There's nothing wrong with all that, but if that's all we want in life, it just shows how facile and shallow we are. Someone once said, God's idea of good isn't to make us happy. I guess that's what turns a lot of people off God, for (reasonably) we ask, then what is God good for?
It took me years to learn the Christian truth that God's ways and thoughts are higher than mine. And just because He doesn't act or acts in a way that's contrary to my desires doesn't mean He's bad, powerless or not interested. Or that He doesn't exist. It's a paradox that's very hard to understand, much less accept, because it goes against all that we presume to be 'right' in logic and rationale.
I am still learning that God doesn't always shield or remove the hard stuff in human lives for the simple reason He will turn them around for good ultimately. He must, to preserve His own reputation of being a Faithful God. So what good can there possibly be in the disappearance of hundreds of people on board an aeroplane on a supposedly normal flight? What good can there be in the ruthless kidnapping of a man who has devoted his life to serving others? What good can come out of the agony of family members kept guessing over the fates of their loved ones? What good can there be in allowing evil to flourish or suffering to continue or death to happen?
I have found only 1 answer to these heart-wrenching questions - death is not the end; if it was, we would all live to die, in vain. It may not be a satisfactory answer. it may be naive, but I remember that my Jesus didn't just die; He resurrected from the dead. And whether we believe it or not, it's the hope of resurrection that gives meaning to life on this earth and beyond death, whether it comes expected or unexpectedly. For whatever happens in this world of fallible humans, even unto death, I choose to believe my God is still good, and He has the last say over evil, suffering and death.
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him - Job 13:15
"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God, I myself will see Him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!" - Job 19:25-27
Published MMO 13/3/2017
