When the going gets tough

Its cuti-cuti time again. As usual the days have flown past so fast we are now in mid 2012 already. For once I am totally free of appointments, engagements n wat-not activities I normally sign up for during school hols. This time I even skipped church family camp, an event I have always gone for. I didnt sign up this year partly becoz the kids weren't keen, so wats a family camp without family, right? The other reason was in view of my coming trip to Korea prayer mountain in July. Yet one more reason was that I simply wanted to rest at home for once instead of running around like mad dog. Honestly I was tired. Certain things have happened in so short a time. I remember watching a show about a man whose life kept going back in time, instead of growing older, he kept growing younger by the day, till he went back into being just a baby. In this season of my life I think how nice it would be if i could just be a baby and let someone else take care of me. Babies don't have worries, best of all, babies are just loved. Problems start when babies grow up.
But then again, who am I to expect a problem-free existence on this earth? Jesus clearly told us, "In this world you will have trouble" (John 16:33); thank God He didn't just leave it hanging there...He added, " But take heart! I have overcome the world." Take heart. means to be of good courage, of good cheer, and overcome conveys the idea of conquering or victory. But how does one 'take heart' when the heart itself is sick? How to smile when inside you are crying? Apparently you can. At least that's what a dear fren who treated me a belated bday ice-cream said of me. She said i have a most beautiful smile; her words came at a most appropriate time - I have been asking God the usual questions of an impatient child... "How long more, God, how long must this go on, how long more are You going to allow the situation to get worse?" The only other time I remembered agonising this much over this question was when I was facing a dying husband. Day after day nite after nite, my heart would be muttering it, even when I prayed or read the Bible. I didn't know much then, I should know better now. One would have thought after 10 years walking with a faithful God, I really should know better than to ask this type of questions - again. I can imagine God shaking His head tenderly at me now..
"Child, after so long, haven't you learnt?" "Sorry Lord, I thought I had learnt.... I guess I gotta re-learn it again...and again..and again, since the troubles of this world will never stop anyway. So when the troubles hit, I will remember what You said,  "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace." 
And I guess I do have His peace, since my fren tells me I am still smiling...beautifully some more..., tho she has absolutely no idea of the inner cries of my heart.
I am learning (again) that it's one thing to say I trust and believe God to work in every situation for good (I do). But it's another to live it out, looking on a bad situation, seeing it get seemingly worse and not being able to do a darn thing about it, especially when it concerns people close to your heart, people you love and care about. And that's when the truth hits - you really have no control over life. The grand illusion of humanity is that we think we are so totally 'in charge'. We are not. Someone said, we can't even draw a single breath unless God gives us another day of life today. Aptly did St Peter declare, 'Why do the nations rage and the peoples plot in vain?(Acts 4:25).  We refuse to believe or choose to ignore the "Sovereign Lord..who made the heaven and the earth and the sea, and everything in them." Becoz we would rather believe the delusion that we are in charge of the universe, when actually what we have is simply the freedom to choose how to live the lives that have been granted to us. Even then we make wrong choices and mess up! Worse, becoz we think we are in charge, we don't wanna admit we need help and we reject the very Person who can and wants to help.
I have learnt to recognize its ok to be weak, in fact its imperative I admit I am weak, to acknowledge I am not superwoman, supermom, super anything, that I don't have answers to all the questions of life, and that I need Someone bigger than me, bigger than my problems, bigger than the universe. If I don't admit that need, He can't help me, He will let me go my own way, becoz He honors the freedom He Himself gave me to choose His way. But His way is not an easy or painless way - it leads to the cross; it involves death - of myself, so that He can take over and turn around...my problems, my life. As much as He requires it of me, He went thru the same way to prove that it works...Jesus died, and rose again. I need look no further than the empty tomb.
I just need eyes to see beyond what things appear to be now, and know that He is faithful, even when I am faithless, and a heart that clings onto His promise that He is able to make all grace abound to me, so that in all things at all times, I will have all the grace that I need to overcome. I just need to relearn the lesson - Grace enables me to smile...beautifully, even when, especially when the going gets tough - I just need to call Abba, Father...
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" 2 Cor. 12:9-10 

The real superhero

This old aunty finally went to watch the movie everyone's raving about - Avengers -  and certainly enjoyed 2 hours of being entertained by lots of bam-bam action, handsome hunks, witty dialogue, and even a likeable villain. (no wonder my no.2  princess saw it 3x!!) Of coz I had to disturb the young princess who came along for the free tix to explain who was who, since apart from the green monster Hulk, the all-American Captain and the Greek god Thor, I had absolutely no idea who the rest of the superheroes were. So now I know there is Ironman (quite heads and shoulders above the others as my personal favourite), Black Widow and Loki, the power-mad demi-god, king-to-be who never was and never could be. 
There were 2 particular scenes which struck me as such an accurate and deliciously ironical parody of the human nature. The first showed Loki prancing around in his kingly robes ordering a crowd of cowering humans around him to kneel. He announces in condemnation,  “You crave subjugation...It’s the unspoken need of humanity...you were made to be ruled.”  And my mind went 'bingo' for a second... Christians would definitely agree to that. I recognize it as one of the deepest truths of why God created man in the first place - the created was meant to worship the Creator, we were meant to 'submit'.
The only difference is that Loki's brand of submission was total subjugation by force - he imposed his will upon others in cruelty. Whereas God prefers us to do it willingly out of love for Him, recognizing that submission to the Almighty is right, good and proper, as it's meant not to hurt, bind or make us miserable - the fact is submission actually brings the greatest freedom. We will always submit, its only a matter of what/who we choose to submit to. Paul puts it succintly in Romans 516: "Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey--whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?"
St Augustine talks about the vacuum in the human heart that only God can fill. Of coz humans will go around trying to fill it with other 'gods' that pander to our idea of what's good for us. That in essence was and still is the first sin of humanity - as Eve thought eating the forbidden fruit would be real good, since she was told it would make humans 'like God', and that would be certainly be good, so she chose to disobey.  Since then all throughout the ages, we still claim to know what's good for us, and that's why we will keep on turning away from God, and refusing to submit becoz we want our 'independence'. God never created humans to be independent; tho He did give us freedom of choice. Jesus says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). But our pride refuses to submit to that truth. Yet the irony is we don't realise if we don't submit to God, we are simply submitting ourselves to other things/people/idols of our own hearts. We don't see it as submission simply becoz we want it. But desire doesn't make it freedom; giving in to our desire is already submission.
 I remember the wise quote of a Christian author, "Unless you come to the end of yourself, God cannot begin in you." I found out the truth of that statement after years of 'bowing' to lots of things other than God. Of coz naturally if anyone had told me then I was 'submitted' to those things, I would have pooh-poohed the idea away, and quite happily gone on deluding myself that I was 'freely' exercising my independence. It was only when I finally surrendered to God out of desperation over a dying husband, when I acknowledged my human frailty that I understood what true freedom is. I don't kneel to a Loki, I bend my knee willingly and lovingly to my Creator, my God, my King, my Lord and my Master, and there in submission, at His feet, I find my fulfillment of a life abundant, becoz He really does know what's best for me, He really does love me.

The 2nd scene was equally thought-provoking as much as it was so funny; watching Loki stand up to the Hulk, to declare, "Enough!You are, all of you, beneath me. I am a god,  you dull creature, and I will not be bullied by…" and then Hulk simply picks him up and flattens him quite literally, muttering "Puny god". Haha, truly priceless words. In the pride of our hearts, we 'blow' ourselves up to be so high-n-mighty, so intelligent, so rich, so beautiful, so powerful, so right, so...whatever... when in fact and in reality, we truly are 'dull creatures' and 'puny gods'. God reminded those who say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked" (Rev 3:17).  God could so easily flatten us in a nanoo second for all our arrogant sinning, yet in His grace and mercy, He chose instead to love us and save us.

I guess even a Hollywood movie can contain some precious nuggets of  truth amidst all the false gloss. Of coz good will always triumph over evil; and so  in this movie, it takes a band of mythical superheroes created out of  the figment of a fertile human imagination, combining the best of their individual strengths to overcome an impossible situation. There is even a poignant little twist of how humans are our own worst enemy, when man decides the best way to defeat an alien enemy is to nuclear-bomb an entire island of fellow human beings and disappear everybody altogether.  The climax was when Ironman chose to fly off into the heavens, sacrificing himself to destroy the vortex that was letting in the enemy force. He drops back from heaven and everyone thinks he's dead, but hey presto, heroes don't die... he's alive. Again I find myself drawing a most apt parallel with what actually did happen in history 2000 years ago. When Jesus chose to sacrifice Himself to die, hanging on a cross to save us humankind, everyone thought He was dead, but the truth is He came back alive - and the joy of it all, He's coming back again!...Now  that's a real super-hero that I can trust!

The Best Birthday Wish

My no. 2 princess asked me the other day what I wanted for my birthday. Frankly I am not 'big' on such things. Sure I like to be 'celebrated' with blessings, makan, presents, and all that stuff that birthdays are meant to be about. But I have gone past the stage of actually desiring much. My girl made it extra difficult by stating that I mustn't choose what I need, but what I really really want.

I got the 'usual' dose of goodies on my bday - lots of prayers and good wishes, fave chocs/cake from faithful staff, yum cha with one of my supportive prayer pardners and 2 rounds of makan-ing. The family went out in search of  crabs since it had been a looong time since we had seafood...would ya believe it, 1st restaurant said no stock until 9.30 pm - hrrrmph, 5 hungry stomachs already growling at 7.30 pm, how to wait! So we headed off to another one, only to be caught in a Wesak procession cum pasar malam jam, thus had to abort plan B and detour to the 3rd seafood place...it was packed to the brim, still we managed to secure a table... but by the time the captain came around 1/2 hour later to take orders, guess what? Yep, no more crabs, no more prawns even! So much for seafood.... but I got 2nd chance when my India missions 'kaki' decided to get together for dinner and laufs...this time, it was seafood all the way in Klang, and yes, i finally sunk my teeth into crabs, tho it wasn't up to expectations - something about not right 'moon' time to catch meat-crabs! But what mattered was really the company, not the food anyway...

I am of coz very grateful to be alive to be showered with so much love from so many different souls. Most of all every time a bday rolls around, I am reminded what I was, and what I am now. And that's what finally gave me the answer to what I really want for my 52nd birthday. In part also, this desire was prompted by what had happened at my cell gathering 2 nites before. A visiting Pastor happened to drop by; tho the group was small since it was a long weekend and most of the cell members were not around. So we got the blessing of having Pastor pray specifically for each of us. No one knew what what was on my heart; certainly not this Pastor who only occasionally visits as part of his 'duties' to minister to the 'sheep'. I was the last he prayed over, and what he had to say brought tears to my eyes, becoz he told me God has heard my intercession and travailing in prayer for someone, He has seen all my tears and He will answer. How could Pastor have known the heavy burdens I have been carrying in my heart these days of late? He couldn't have obviously, and no human could have told him, so it must have been God passing onto him what I so needed to hear - certainty that my prayers are indeed heard and do indeed matter to my God, even if no one else knows and despite the fact that what I am praying for in this season of my life seems pretty impossible.  But there it was, a divine confirmation that His hand has moved in response to my heart's cries. And that was sufficient encouragement for me to be bold in making somewhat a unusual bday wish upon my kids.

As I gathered them together the other night to announce it, my no. 2 was pretty astute and caught on even before I opened my mouth, she protested that my wish must be something that can be bought with money. But I simply shut her up that since there were no conditions specified to my asking, I could wish whatever I wanted. And so I told them my wish was simply to pray over them, asking and trusting that God will grant whatever I wished upon them. I also told them what had happened at my cell and that by the simple act of declaring out loud my prayers for them, I was just hanging onto God's promise already given that He will make them all come true. This day I want to record them down, so that when they do come to pass, I - and my kids - will look back and remember how faithful and mighty is my God, that He grants my birthday wishes for:

My no.1 princess - that out of confession of her own mouth, as she is open to seeking God, she will find Him, that indeed she will meet Jesus in a personal encounter and she will  never ever doubt Him again, that she may come to know, understand, love and serve the God who loves her first.
My no. 2 princess - that she may be grounded in the steadfastness of Jesus Christ and the love of God, that her eyes would turn from the world to focus on the cross of Calvary, that in as much as God has given her the spirit of self-control, she will remember to execute all her responsibilities, big and small, faithfully and well.
My one and only son - that he will grow up a man after God's own heart, like King David, with a passion that runs after God, that his spirit may be pure and holy, that his mind may be filled with all things good, true, noble, excellent and praiseworthy.

Surely there are no other better wishes that I can wish for on my bday. And I don't need to blow out any candles for them. I know I have them granted because God already said it. Should I not live till another bday to see them come true, I still know they will come true anyway, because....yes, He said it. That's good enuf for me.

p/s. Just to satisfy the kids anyway, I did finally ask for something their money could buy - lipstick!