Hanoi Revisited

10 yrs ago I remembered Hanoi as a rather dreary town. I first visited this capital city of North Vietnam with my husband . What struck me then was the presence of military soldiers; it was such a contrast to its very more lively counterpart in South Vietnam, Saigon. 10 yrs after, its caught up, esp in terms of tourist appeal. The soldiers have all but disappeared from the streets. Locals now know how to pander to the tourist $; they have even learnt to cheat gullibles. We learnt this the hard way the very first day we went walking about. I paid $21 for 3 slices of pineapples as my girl unsuspectingly posed for fotos wearing the vendor's hat and carrying her sling of goods. The other girl literally got her slippers torn off her feet and harassed into paying $10 for a slap of glue to stick the loose parts together! After those episodes I was the growling tigress, barking at every vendor who so much as dared come near us! But that aside, there were nice Viets as well, esp the ones at the hotel we put up in, who went to the extent of 'lending' us local currency coz our pockets 'dried up' temporarily.

And of coz cruising along Halong Bay on a boat was a memorable experience, albeit an expensive one. Stil if you are a nature buff like me, its just one of those things you must indulge in once in a lifetime. And hey, I found out I could actually do things I didn't tink i could do....like having to handle a kayak on my own, since everyone in the family had paired up, leaving me the odd one out, and gathering up enuf guts to jump off the ship ala Titanic style! Lesson of the day - an old dog can still learn new tricks!

To view fotos click here

They will carry the torch

They are every parents' worry. We talk about them, despair over them, pray for them. And our hearts constantly wonder, Will they turn out ok? That's kids for you.
When my husband left this earth for his heavenly home 9 years ago, he left also 3 kids without a father to look up to. I know i could never be a father to them; i just dunno how. I am a mom, not a dad. And in my desperation, how often have i cried out ( I still do, to this day) to the Almighty, "God, You are the only Father they've got now, You are their Abba; please watch over them, please grow them up in Your ways."
I would be the first to admit i am not a perfect mum. I know sometimes i am too strict, but sometimes i am not strict enuf. I have watched my 'little birds' grow wings to fly, often with much trepidation of soul. Because I realised 1 thing early; much as i want to, i can't stop them from learning life's lessons on their own. It's like bicycling; every kid has to handle it by himself; no one can ride the bicycle for him. And yes, he has to fall sometimes to learn the hang of it; he will bump into things and get hurt. We can run alongside them, shout directions at them, try to hold the handle for them, fix a third wheel to steady them, but end of the day, we still can't ride it for them.
I don't think i am the typical mom either; i know some frens who are horrified at how i bring up my kids. They think i am way too lax, becoz i let them make their own decisions; i try not to impose my will on them. But I let them know I would be very disappointed, hurt, upset if they were to go ahead to do the thing that I disagree with them about. Certainly we have disagreements, sometimes very strong ones. And yes, sometimes they go their way against my wishes. That's the time I bang on heaven's door and pray for more grace and mercy and their Abba Father to guard them despite their wilfulness.
I try my darndest to train them up in the ways of the Lord by insisting on family altar time twice a week; just halfhour sessions studying the Bible and praying. I started this 9 years ago, it used to be 3x a week, but we have mutually 'negotiated' it down to 2x these days, becoz I know they chaff at this; which youngster wouldn't? But i tell them to do it for my sake, and i appreciate they make the effort. I know too well these sessions will have to stop one day... when i leave this earth.... when they move off into adulthood and lives of their own, which is why i feel keenly the need to impart as much as i can in the little limited time i have with them. Yet i have oft wondered if all these sessions make any difference in their lives; whether they are really paying attention even.
Well, it looks like I really have nothing to worry about on that score; it took an illegal rally to teach me to trust that God really holds my kids in His hands, and He will not let them slip. If not for them provoking me with questions that made me ponder, I would never have joined the Bersih demo on July 9th 2011, in which case i would have missed the lesson that God wanted to teach me through them. That it's easy enuf to say we love God, but when the crunch comes, are we willing to die for Him, if called to?
Beyond having to face and answer this question of my own faith, I am also reassured of one other important thing. My kids will be ok. If they can reason out concepts like justice and righteousness and boldly go ahead to do what is right, they will definitely be ok, even without me. I was the one with the doubts and misgivings. They were the ones who shamed me enuf to walk the talk, to stand up for what I claim to believe in.
My most constant prayer for them isn't for riches or job security or a good life. Its just 1 thing, that they know, love and follow after Jesus Christ, the Lord their God. There is no greater blessing, no greater treasure than this. A couple of months ago, I read out my will to the kids. I have nothing much in terms of earthly wealth to bequeth unto them, the only valuable inheritance i have to give them is the example of my faith; that i have lived a life worthy of the Lord, pleasing Him in all ways, submitted unto His will and bearing fruit for eternity. If they have caught onto these things , I am assured I have done my job as a mother; and with that I will be content - that they will carry the torch to light the paths of their generation and beyond.

"For you were once darkness, now you are light in the Lord; live as children of light" ...Ephesians 5:8

Truth is Inconvenient

It's the first time in my life I joined a demonstration. Do I like demos? No way. Was I scared? Of coz; its no "walk in the park, picnic on the grass"; u know wat to expect when its been declared illegal and everyone is being warned by everyone else from the King to the church to well-meaning frens to stay home and be safe.

And really that was what i intended to do dutifully as a law-abiding citizen and obedient sheep; at least it was until i was challenged by my own kids with certain thot provoking questions like...Ma, where would the world be if Martin Luther King just prayed and didn't march? Ma, where were the Christians when 6 million Jews were systematically led to slaughter by an evil dictator? And even from my youngest teenager ... Ma, Malayan Union also got march for independence , you know? (gee, at least he's studying for his SPM correctly!) And I recalled myself, didn't Jesus cause demos everywhere He went - demos of God's power, grace, love, healing? Didn't the early church "turn the whole world upside down"? - all for a cause greater than themselves. Still i dithered, becoz I didn't "really" want to get involved in this messy business of demos; I was already figuring how inconvenient it would be; trying to get past road blocks, maybe having to walk a loooong walk into the city centre, besides what purpose would all that 'noise and clatter' serve, not to mention the risks involved... well, again it took my kid to pointedly tell me off (nicely) - whether or not the demo gets results isnt the point, Ma. Its simply whether you choose to make your stand in support of it. I guess its like voting - its your choice; even if the one you chose doesnt win, it's ok, you made your choice to vote this or that person becoz of the ideals he/she represents.

So there's that all-important word - choices. My kid asked me what made me change my mind last minute to join a rabble (read rebel) crowd. I guess the final straw was when I was told our weekly street-feeding for the poor/homeless had to called off becoz the food couldn't be brought in due to the road blocks all over the place. And that's when something clicked inside. I felt angry, angry at all the things that are happening in this land. Everyone knows, everyone complains, there are tons of emails floating around on all kinds of stuff which we shake our heads at and yes, certainly pray over. An email sent to me said to pray for good sense to prevail. Of coz we are to pray. Duh. Well, that's fine and good; only problem is you can only talk good sense to people who will listen to good sense.

At the end of the day, i had to answer myself 1 question: if i believed in justice and righteousness for all, how much am i willing to show it? Some frens sms'ed me that i was very brave to go out there, when i asked for prayer support for my family. My reply is I am not brave. Its just that there comes a time in everyone's life when each of us have to make a choice about the things we say we believe in - that's a very personal decision. Well, my day had come. Yet right up to the morning itself, i was still jittery. I woke early, couldn't sleep, and sought the Lord for confirmation. I was half-hoping He would keep silent, so I didn't have to go. But He did confirm. So i found myself smack in the midst of a crowd of I-dunno-how-many thousands, marching along with them on July 9, 2011. A day that will forever be etched in my memory....

A day when i saw total strangers of all ages, races and religions gathered under the skies and faced a big red monster truck firing tear gas just becoz the crowd was formidable in size. There were entire families, people from same kampungs, from outstation states, even someone on a wheel-chair. And it was total strangers who went all out to help one another, without any qualms or calls needed. When the tear gas started, and some took shelter in a car park, a man opened up the firehose reel there and sprayed water over everyone to wash away the sting. When people had to run into the bushes surrounding a private hospital, everyone was extending hands to each other to haul and push each other up the slippery slopes. With authorities chasing us all the way into a church compound, somebody opened up the back gate for people to climb over. Someone offered me salt to ease the throat. Another was handing out zip-lock bags, telling me, Aunty, better keep your handfone inside this, if not get wet by the rain, still another old man offered to share his umbrella with me - This is 1M in action, no need words or banners to proclaim it. But what shamed me personally was a non-Christian group who spontaneously started a prayer meeting in the heavy rain. I watched as people just stepped out from their shelters and ran to join them in the open.

Was there violence? Yes - tear gas, water cannons. That was about the only actual violence I saw in my group (I can't say what happened to other groups spread all over, becoz of the blockages which separated us) But well, if you wanna call making lots of noise and chants and singing Negara Ku and shouting Daulat Tuanku several times violence, i guess we were pretty violent. My group didnt have any 'famous faces' to lead, but whoever was shouting instructions we obeyed - so obediently we sat when told to sit on the road, walk when told to walk, regroup when told to regroup. (Of coz, we didnt need to be told when to run), so where's the violence? In fact when someone got a little bit too enthusiastic and started running down to the truck which was parked in front of us on the road , people were shouting at him to come back and not provoke the authorities. Violence?? Quite the opposite, there were some very happy people that day - the mamak stall-operators , McDs and 7-11 stores which dared to stay open - they were doing roaring business; did anyone bother to interview them about loss of income caused by rioters??? Did they get looted???

Was there inconvenience? Of coz. So we can put up with all sorts of traffic jams every 'normal' day of our lives and for this one day we say we are soooo sooo inconvenienced? The funniest thing is when we wanted to disperse, we couldn't! Talk about deliberate inconvenience. By 4 pm, most of us were tired, and all we wanted to do was go home and take a bath after being pelted with tear gas and soaked to the skin by rain . Someone was asking like typical M'sian, where got makan arr? Yet there was still that big red bully truck monster hogging the road, and they were not allowing anyone who looked M'sian thru the barricades. So unless we suddenly grew blond hair and blue eyes, we were stuck. I approached a policeman and asked if i could just walk thru alone. He was very nice and said yes, so hurray, off i trooped only to be stopped 2 mins later further down the road and turned back with a very sarcastic, "you orang buat kecoh, sekarang tahu rasa kecoh lah". Geez, what a sour lemon. So I had to take a very very long and roundabout way back to the LRT station, only to find it closed. Great... now all those who simply wanna call it a day can't get out of KL!! I am still wondering, hey, man, what's the logic? I thot the idea was not to let people gather around in 'illegal' assemblies; yet what do you expect people to do if you stop or hinder the very means that's meant to disperse them? - you get illegal assemblies at the LRT and bus stations some more lah! To be fair though, i have to tabik the police for being fair with all the opposing sides involved.

Was there politics? Of coz. But surely whether we like it or not, politics is politics. And surely concepts like justice and righteousness don't exist in a vacuum. There is supposed to be justice and righteousness in politics, in economics, in social affairs, even in private affairs; in fact they are meant to work in the very fabric of human life, isn't it? So how can we divorce these ideals from the realities of life? And I guess that's what I joined the rally for - to make my stand for ideals which are surely God-ordained for all of humankind. Others may join the rally for different reasons, rightly or wrongly, but that's not my concern.

Was it worth it? Yes. Being there on the spot exposed the falsity of many of my (our) facile assumptions. What has been 'manipulated' into our psyche is the threat of what-could-happen. And i realised, hey, its all hyped-up - The threat turned out as unfounded shadows. As it goes, from the behavior of the crowd, if only they had been allowed to make their 'noises' in a stadium, all the inconveniences could have been so much reduced and better-controlled.

Unfortunately we have been ingrained to fear violence, we assume all strife = violence and violence = bad. Therefore we will not get involved in any strife situation; we will pray for peace. Yet what is peace? As someone puts it Peace is not the absence of strife. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, slept in the midst of a terrible storm - that's peace, even tho strife was all around Him. At the height of it all, when people were running all over, and tear gas was stinging my eyes and throat, and I was wondering what if i get arrested, what if i get trampled in this rush? - I had His Peace. I faced the fear by His grace, and survived it. So did my kids, tho we were never together at all. My eldest was up close and personal to the front-line action, doing her reporter's beat, tweeting real-time reports into her office. My no.2 didn't even want to go with me. Ended up she had to walk all the way from/back to Sentral. (Hey, that's still better than the woman who walked from Mid Valley!)

I got back home, finally after they opened back the LRT at about 5.15pm. None the worse for wear and tear , praise God except for achy achy feet...... Looking back, I think perhaps above all, this experience is for me, a test of how prepared I will be when the day comes when God calls me to give up my life literally (not figuratively) for His cause, would I still balk at being "inconvenienced"??? Would I choose to "be safe" than run risks for His sake?? Ahh, million $ question. I think I am better prepared to answer it after July 9th 2011.


"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it" - Matthew 16:25