Things Same Ol' Same Ol' and Things Different

So its the same-same story. We all greet everyone else as the year 2011 draws to a close with the same thot, same expression - aiya, so fast time pass hor... another Christmas already, another new year ahead. In about a week's time, we say hello to 2012. The newspapers will be flooded as usual with pictures and pages of 2011 events, consigned to something we call memory or history. Again people will be talking about making and no doubt breaking resolutions.
I will be hosting the usual pot-bless dinner with some old 'kaki' before we head off to count down the new year in church. Yep, we are doing the same ol' same ol' things that we have been doing for the past 10 years, ever since we joined the big family of Christ .
My eldest princess turned chef for Christmas nite and cooked up the mandatory family dinner. But this year we were blessed with a huge turkey , thanks to a loving sister in Christ, and besides my brother, we seated an additional guest (the chef's bf) at the table. Definitely more left-overs from the feast this year! The same tree had been put up a few weeks ago, except it now dangled with some newer ornaments, it stood in the same corner of the living room. And if you are game enuf to visit the malls at this time of year, there are plenty of trees decked up ever so nicely, just for people to admire and pose with for the camera. The kids as usual had hunted around for presents all over the crowded malls, right till the last minute. Only this year, they got lazier; instead of wrapping them up nicely, they just dumped the ones meant for family under the tree - save the trees, save work; after all its gonna come off anyway - can't beat that kind of logic, tho its so totally un-Christmassy. My brother - being the usual generous uncle that he is, had blessed the kids with spending money and asked me to name what i wanted for myself. I was reminded of Queen Esther who was asked by her king 2x, "What is it, Queen Esther? What is your request? Even up to half the kingdom, it will be given you." So tongue in cheek, i asked my brother, if i wanted half his kingdom, would he give it to me? (he never answered me on this one, heh heh)
Indeed what present could satisfy the human heart? Diamonds on your fingers, rings on your toes, gold bars in the bank, mansion by the lake, sports car in the garage? Good health, prosperity, no troubles, no heartache? Throw in perhaps, a steady job (or for some, any job), a good boss, understanding frens, loving family... the list could go on and on. So what do i want? For once i honestly couldn't be bothered getting myself anything for Christmas; oh, there are of coz lots of things i could want, but all the glitzy blitzy stuff the world had to offer really didn't excite me anymore ; in fact it had ceased to matter a long time back, just that this year, I totally gave up the effort of even wading thru the endless labyrinth of shops - with each passing year it seems my case of crowd-phobia gets worse, maybe its just the 'aging factor', or maybe its just the little niggling voice that asks, do you need 1 more dress, 1 more pair of shoes, 1 more this or 1 more that to be happy?? Nah, not worth battling the queues for... So I told my brother, what I want he couldn't give, since I already had that which God Himself had given me 10 years ago - a love that abides, peace that's out of this world, joy that abounds - all that gives meaning and purpose to life; what more could i ask for?

Over the week before Christmas, in the light of seemingly random happenings, the knowledge that I already had all that mattered really blessed my heart....
I went out to lunch with an old lawyer fren from my long ago days of legal practice. She tells me she's seen so much death this year, her own father, family members, frens, her district assemblyman; she's had quite enuf of funerals.....Another fren sent me an email which pointed out that Jesus wasn't born on Dec 25th, and Christmas actually came from paganistic rituals of long ago, things which i already knew anyway. It concluded there was nothing to celebrate about Christmas, since its all a big sham....The Sat before, as usual, I was helping out at the street-feeding alley and sat down to talk with an old man who disclosed that he was already 66 yrs old and in between odd jobs. I wondered why he wasn't with family, he didn't say much, but his eyes said everything about rejection, loneliness, tough times past and present (and likely future). I asked him if he believed in God, he said yes, he knows Jesus. And so I reminded him what having Jesus meant - it didn't mean a life free of problems, or a life full of all good stuff. But it did mean having a God who is so much much bigger than life's problems, becoz He rose from the dead, and is alive with us. I pointed to his white flowy beard and recounted Jesus knows how many hairs he has on his chinny chin chin. The old man looked like he was going to cry as he kept nodding his head, as if willing his brain to remember why he believed and whom he believed. I did the one thing i know how to do in such circumstances - I prayed for him. Its not often I hand out money to these street-folks, I have heard too many sob-stories to fall prey to emotion. But in this case, to one who never asked and never spoke the need, I felt led to press $10 into his wrinkled hands ; to let him know Jesus cares, always has and always will . He looked up without a word, but his eyes said the thank-you that was in his heart. And i knew as much as he was thanking me, he was thanking God for reminding him of the hope that he had in Christ Jesus which no one and no trial could wrest away...... On Christmas afternoon, I followed a neighbor to visit her fren who had undergone state-of-the-art treatment of a suspicious lump pressing on her spinal nerve. For one facing such a situation, she was so joyously confident it would be ok even if her life were to end this moment, for the simple reason she knows Jesus holds her hand even thru the valley of the shadow of death.....
Some things will never change - the fact of suffering, unfairness and death in our midst, the fact that despite the questionable origin of Christmas and its misunderstood connotations due to gross commercialisation , Jesus Christ isn't a sham - and He is definitely worth celebrating about. Becoz that moment in time some 2000 years ago when God decided to connect with mankind on earth in the form of a human baby born of a virgin - things changed for eternity. That moment in time when Jesus hung on the cross to fulfil God's plan for mankind's redemption, things were never the same again. And that's why i celebrate Christmas - not for the usual same ol' same ol' things of nice presents, yummy dinners and melodious carols . But for the difference that the Christ who came has made and continues to make a difference in my life on earth. For that matter, the difference He can make to anyone who would just believe. But for Him, my sins would condemn me into a horrible hereafter, but for Him, I would never have known the peace of God that transcends all human understanding and overcomes all circumstances. But for Him, I wouldn't have known unending love, amazing grace. But for Him, I would not know what life is in all its abundance, here, now and certainly in the hereafter. That's the priceless gift I have received and forever hold dear, not just remembered every Christmas, but in every moment that i still draw breath. How blessed I am!


"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace"...Isaiah 9:6 "... you are to give him the name Jesus, because He will save his people from their sins" ... Matthew 1:21

Chasing sunrise and rainbows - a different kind of holiday

It was a recipe sure to fail. Whaddya expect if you have been warned its the rainy season and you still proceed to go anyway? And you excuse it by getting everyone to pray God will do a miracle to somehow turn the season in your favor, just becoz He loves you so much?! Duh, who was i trying to kid, man? Why should God do a miracle just to please me?! Ha ha, well, anyway that was how I justified my ill-timed holiday. Plus i had the nerve to claim God wanted me to go seek His face far from the madding crowd. Truth was i was just plain fed-up and tired of work, and wanted an excuse to get away from it all. I know, i know, actually i didn't need any excuse, i could just go. But somehow must get God involved mah...doesnt it sound so much more 'spiritual' to say "I am seeking God's face" than a plain, "I want to just do nothing"?! .... Ahh, the foibles of the human heart; how we disguise our desires with a veneer of holiness, daring God to bless our own 'things'... and that's how i ended up in Sg Lembing, even tho Dec wasnt a good time to go view the famous Rainbow Waterfall and Panorama Hill sunrise. How could I even get the idea that the Almighty Creator of heaven and earth would actually suspend the laws of nature which He had set aeons ago for kutchi-kutchi me - looking back I can only say I must have been delirious from over-work! I can just hear Him chuckling... "Child, thy name is Audacious Presumption!"

If you were to spend 8 hrs driving 500 km for the intended purpose of catching the sun rise and a rainbow over a waterfall, and you didn't get to see any of it, that's called a disaster holiday. But ah, how gracious is my God, that He didn't turn the seasons around, notwithstanding the fervent well-meaning prayers of family and frens that God would actually stop the rain so my plans would work out. Nope, instead He turned me around - to appreciate a totally different kind of holiday - a holiday that went all wrong but turned out all right...
In the beginning, I was very confident that He would grant me at least fair weather becoz the day i set out from KL was fine, and my local contact in Sg Lembing also confirmed it was fine there, after a rainy spell the past week. And like all humans so quick to pounce on anything that could support an essentially wacky (read bad) decision, I praised the Lord and patted myself on the back for my 'faith'. So I was in very good mood driving leisurely along the Karak h'way right thru to Kuantan and turn off to Sg Lembing village. Did you ever open eyes to notice the scenery along the h'ways? Its pretty amazing, all the varied hues and shapes of green on earth and greys, whites and blues up in the sky....that's how much i enjoyed the 250 km drive to this small town outside Kuantan.
Sg Lembing apparently was the M'sian El-Dorado of the past, holding its own as the largest richest tin mine in those days. It retains its old world cowboy-town outlook, there's just 1 main street, all the shops/houses are ancient, locals zip around on m/bikes w/out helmets and balance umbrellas in 1 hand when it rains (obviously safety isnt a top priority with these folks). The only petrol station operates from a mechanic shop which sells it by the bottle (I learnt too late i should have filled the tank before coming into town!) There is plenty of cheap accommodation, everyone seems to run a home-stay business - i was booked into a decent bungalow with 3 rooms, all fitted with double and bunk beds, fully aircon, attached bathroom with heater, spacious living room with TV and even kitchen available for group vacation. i had the whole place all to myself the first nite i arrived - so nice and quiet. (The next nite a group of 5 youths checked in, which led me to wonder why on earth would 3 gals and 2 guys wanna squeeze into 1 room, but well, none of my business... anyway they could bring the house down for all i cared, since i would be leaving the very next day).
I wasn't prepared for the 'ghost-town' when i first arrived... esp worried about food, coz i definitely didn't fancy maggi mee in my room, but thankfully the caretaker invited me to hop onto her bike and showed me the food court a short walk down. It was only 6 pm, yet all were already closed except 1 stall, which proved more than sufficient for my stomach, for the lady cook dished up a tasty meal of local tomato mee together with a good dose of very chatty conversation. I had an early nite, anticipating the climb up Panorama Hill to catch the sun rise.
So it was that at 5 am, armed with a torch lite, I was trudging up the steps - I had expected a stiff climb, but i didnt quite expect it would take some 700 narrow steps uphill all the way in the dark. Unfit as i was, there were many times I stopped and simply dropped flat on my back, feeling like i would die 100 times over, my heart was literally exploding out of my chest. I daren't even look up becoz i dreaded how many more steps were still stretched out and up ahead. And it was whilst lying flat out, staring at the moon above, gasping for breath, that I was reminded, how much worse Jesus must have suffered going up all the way to Calvary Hill to hang on a cross for me. I dunno whether it was sweat or tears that were wetting my cheeks as i struggled along, step by step, minute by minute, half a heart wanting to turn back down, but the other half wanting to complete the journey....

And then, i heard voices floating from below, which meant there were others climbing up as well; and kiasu that I was, that drove me to the final spurt of strength to conquer the seemingly never-ending staircase to heaven. I couldn't help thinking tho, drat, there goes all the peace i was looking forward to... 1 hr later, finally i hit the peak, only to be followed a short while after by a very noisy family of kids and adults all chattering away...geez, how on earth am i supposed to 'meet with God' like this?! And hey man, there was no chance of even catching the sun rise, becoz the whole hill was covered in clouds and mist.

But what was an obstacle turned out such a blessing for me - the 1st sign that God was setting me up for something different... The family was so disappointed there would be no glorious sun-rise they trooped off downhill after barely 5 mins - leaving me all by myself. One of them was so nice to approach me to descend with them, becoz he warned me the rain would be coming and it could get dangerous, I simply smiled and answered, 'its just a hill, what can be so dangerous?' So there, i got my wish to be all alone. No, there was no glorious sun-rise, but for the 1st time in my life, i could appreciate how beautiful clouds and mist can be. The wispy whirly twirly stuff was so thick it enveloped me all around. And i wondered is this how it must have been for the 3 disciples on the Mount of Transfiguration with Jesus?? Everything around became kind-of blurred but I could see thru and know I was still standing on solid ground. And the praises came as i watched the heavens move around me in shades of white and grey, fingers stretching out over the hills , touching the valley below, and curling up into never-ending infinity beyond.... i will never look at clouds the same way again, and on top of that hill, i opened not just my heart, but my mouth to worship the Creator of heaven and earth. I came to catch a sun-rise, instead God caught me up in His cloud. If you have never literally danced on a mountain top or heard your own voice carried by the wind, you should.... for 2 hrs I simply worshipped thru the rain. It was cold, I was shivering but it hardly mattered, becoz He was there with me. What a comfort to know the unshakeable presence of a God who envelops you in His embrace, when life's cold winds blow around you and clouds of fear come creeping in. I didnt need the sun-rise after all; I just needed to be reminded of the awesome God who holds the entire universe in His hands. How many times we lose sight of God just becoz we get caught up in the 'mists' of problems, concerns and issues of everyday life...

By the time the rain stopped, I was ready to descend - to more mundane affairs of the stomach, and more than ready to fill it up with the yummy local yong tau fu mee - better by far than our KL Ampang yong tau fu. Then it was time to hit the road, a walk-about and first stop at the only official place worth visiting - the museum. The weather however started to act up again, but this actually allowed me to rest my feet awhile and curl up with a book i had brought along. When it eased up, i was back on the road, in search of Sg Lembing's other tourist attraction - the suspension bridges across the river. Little did i know God had set me an appointment with an old lady operating a run-down sundry shop at the other end of the bridge. That's how unimaginable His ways are; to send me a complete stranger all the way from KL to remind her how much Jesus loves her, as her own widowed daughter, just like me, had been asking her so many times to just believe. This wasn't the only special appointment God set up for me - over dinner that nite, i was back at the noodle lady's shop where again the rain got me stuck, and so she and her daughter got to hear of the precious love of Christ that's waiting for them to respond. And i was reminded of God's over-riding Word that applies in every circumstance, at every hour (even on vacation) - that He wishes none to perish, and we are to be prepared in season and out of season to give an answer to everyone for the hope that we have in Christ Jesus . If for nothing else than that these 3 people needed to hear the good news of Jesus that I was sent there, I am more than satisfied with this holiday already.

It rained so much the trip scheduled for the next morning to the famous Rainbow Waterfall was cancelled. I was pretty disappointed, it looked like nothing was working out the way I had planned. The tour fella suggested i extend my stay into Sunday so i could sign up for the next trip. I was very tempted; I had come this far, surely God didn't bring me all this way to see mist and rain, maybe, just maybe He will give me the rainbow the next day..... To go back now meant i was left with no sun-rise, no rainbow, no nothing...what a wash-out holiday - literally. But I resisted, if God didn't wanna show me anything, well, so be it.... Thou shalt not test the Lord thy God...

So I packed my bags, had a good last meal of curry yong tau fu, wished the noodle lady well, and kept asking, God what's the lesson here? But it was only as I was driving home that I finally 'got it'.... How often we make fantastic/good plans to do this, that or the other. We conscientiously pray over it, about it and for it, and we assume (quite erroneously) that God will bless us and make everything work out nicely. And then it doesn't. How many times we search around trying to 'find God' in this, that or the other 'good' thing, activity, place or person (read church, prayer, pastor, ministry, bible) ...and He isn't 'there'. I was trying to chase rainbows and catch sunrises, beautiful things by themselves. But God isn't in the rainbow, He isn't in the sunrise. He is the great I AM. Life may and will disappoint us, but God doesn't; He's got surprises up His sleeve that's too wonderful for us to ever imagine even - He surprised me, right there in the car, as i was driving back all the way i came, the still small voice said , "Lo, I am with you always". Haha, i was laughing and crying at the same time... what a merry-go-round He led me - on top of the hill, thru the rain, to strangers in the weirdest places...back to where He's always been - up close and personal to me, for me. I was looking for God in all the wrong places... as i sat quietly in church the following morning, as a prelude to Christmas, the lesson was confirmed so sweetly in the Word preached....

Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign, the virgin will be with child and give birth to a son and will call Him Immanuel, which means God with us.... Isaiah 7:14, Matthew 1:23

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Hanoi Revisited

10 yrs ago I remembered Hanoi as a rather dreary town. I first visited this capital city of North Vietnam with my husband . What struck me then was the presence of military soldiers; it was such a contrast to its very more lively counterpart in South Vietnam, Saigon. 10 yrs after, its caught up, esp in terms of tourist appeal. The soldiers have all but disappeared from the streets. Locals now know how to pander to the tourist $; they have even learnt to cheat gullibles. We learnt this the hard way the very first day we went walking about. I paid $21 for 3 slices of pineapples as my girl unsuspectingly posed for fotos wearing the vendor's hat and carrying her sling of goods. The other girl literally got her slippers torn off her feet and harassed into paying $10 for a slap of glue to stick the loose parts together! After those episodes I was the growling tigress, barking at every vendor who so much as dared come near us! But that aside, there were nice Viets as well, esp the ones at the hotel we put up in, who went to the extent of 'lending' us local currency coz our pockets 'dried up' temporarily.

And of coz cruising along Halong Bay on a boat was a memorable experience, albeit an expensive one. Stil if you are a nature buff like me, its just one of those things you must indulge in once in a lifetime. And hey, I found out I could actually do things I didn't tink i could do....like having to handle a kayak on my own, since everyone in the family had paired up, leaving me the odd one out, and gathering up enuf guts to jump off the ship ala Titanic style! Lesson of the day - an old dog can still learn new tricks!

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They will carry the torch

They are every parents' worry. We talk about them, despair over them, pray for them. And our hearts constantly wonder, Will they turn out ok? That's kids for you.
When my husband left this earth for his heavenly home 9 years ago, he left also 3 kids without a father to look up to. I know i could never be a father to them; i just dunno how. I am a mom, not a dad. And in my desperation, how often have i cried out ( I still do, to this day) to the Almighty, "God, You are the only Father they've got now, You are their Abba; please watch over them, please grow them up in Your ways."
I would be the first to admit i am not a perfect mum. I know sometimes i am too strict, but sometimes i am not strict enuf. I have watched my 'little birds' grow wings to fly, often with much trepidation of soul. Because I realised 1 thing early; much as i want to, i can't stop them from learning life's lessons on their own. It's like bicycling; every kid has to handle it by himself; no one can ride the bicycle for him. And yes, he has to fall sometimes to learn the hang of it; he will bump into things and get hurt. We can run alongside them, shout directions at them, try to hold the handle for them, fix a third wheel to steady them, but end of the day, we still can't ride it for them.
I don't think i am the typical mom either; i know some frens who are horrified at how i bring up my kids. They think i am way too lax, becoz i let them make their own decisions; i try not to impose my will on them. But I let them know I would be very disappointed, hurt, upset if they were to go ahead to do the thing that I disagree with them about. Certainly we have disagreements, sometimes very strong ones. And yes, sometimes they go their way against my wishes. That's the time I bang on heaven's door and pray for more grace and mercy and their Abba Father to guard them despite their wilfulness.
I try my darndest to train them up in the ways of the Lord by insisting on family altar time twice a week; just halfhour sessions studying the Bible and praying. I started this 9 years ago, it used to be 3x a week, but we have mutually 'negotiated' it down to 2x these days, becoz I know they chaff at this; which youngster wouldn't? But i tell them to do it for my sake, and i appreciate they make the effort. I know too well these sessions will have to stop one day... when i leave this earth.... when they move off into adulthood and lives of their own, which is why i feel keenly the need to impart as much as i can in the little limited time i have with them. Yet i have oft wondered if all these sessions make any difference in their lives; whether they are really paying attention even.
Well, it looks like I really have nothing to worry about on that score; it took an illegal rally to teach me to trust that God really holds my kids in His hands, and He will not let them slip. If not for them provoking me with questions that made me ponder, I would never have joined the Bersih demo on July 9th 2011, in which case i would have missed the lesson that God wanted to teach me through them. That it's easy enuf to say we love God, but when the crunch comes, are we willing to die for Him, if called to?
Beyond having to face and answer this question of my own faith, I am also reassured of one other important thing. My kids will be ok. If they can reason out concepts like justice and righteousness and boldly go ahead to do what is right, they will definitely be ok, even without me. I was the one with the doubts and misgivings. They were the ones who shamed me enuf to walk the talk, to stand up for what I claim to believe in.
My most constant prayer for them isn't for riches or job security or a good life. Its just 1 thing, that they know, love and follow after Jesus Christ, the Lord their God. There is no greater blessing, no greater treasure than this. A couple of months ago, I read out my will to the kids. I have nothing much in terms of earthly wealth to bequeth unto them, the only valuable inheritance i have to give them is the example of my faith; that i have lived a life worthy of the Lord, pleasing Him in all ways, submitted unto His will and bearing fruit for eternity. If they have caught onto these things , I am assured I have done my job as a mother; and with that I will be content - that they will carry the torch to light the paths of their generation and beyond.

"For you were once darkness, now you are light in the Lord; live as children of light" ...Ephesians 5:8

Truth is Inconvenient

It's the first time in my life I joined a demonstration. Do I like demos? No way. Was I scared? Of coz; its no "walk in the park, picnic on the grass"; u know wat to expect when its been declared illegal and everyone is being warned by everyone else from the King to the church to well-meaning frens to stay home and be safe.

And really that was what i intended to do dutifully as a law-abiding citizen and obedient sheep; at least it was until i was challenged by my own kids with certain thot provoking questions like...Ma, where would the world be if Martin Luther King just prayed and didn't march? Ma, where were the Christians when 6 million Jews were systematically led to slaughter by an evil dictator? And even from my youngest teenager ... Ma, Malayan Union also got march for independence , you know? (gee, at least he's studying for his SPM correctly!) And I recalled myself, didn't Jesus cause demos everywhere He went - demos of God's power, grace, love, healing? Didn't the early church "turn the whole world upside down"? - all for a cause greater than themselves. Still i dithered, becoz I didn't "really" want to get involved in this messy business of demos; I was already figuring how inconvenient it would be; trying to get past road blocks, maybe having to walk a loooong walk into the city centre, besides what purpose would all that 'noise and clatter' serve, not to mention the risks involved... well, again it took my kid to pointedly tell me off (nicely) - whether or not the demo gets results isnt the point, Ma. Its simply whether you choose to make your stand in support of it. I guess its like voting - its your choice; even if the one you chose doesnt win, it's ok, you made your choice to vote this or that person becoz of the ideals he/she represents.

So there's that all-important word - choices. My kid asked me what made me change my mind last minute to join a rabble (read rebel) crowd. I guess the final straw was when I was told our weekly street-feeding for the poor/homeless had to called off becoz the food couldn't be brought in due to the road blocks all over the place. And that's when something clicked inside. I felt angry, angry at all the things that are happening in this land. Everyone knows, everyone complains, there are tons of emails floating around on all kinds of stuff which we shake our heads at and yes, certainly pray over. An email sent to me said to pray for good sense to prevail. Of coz we are to pray. Duh. Well, that's fine and good; only problem is you can only talk good sense to people who will listen to good sense.

At the end of the day, i had to answer myself 1 question: if i believed in justice and righteousness for all, how much am i willing to show it? Some frens sms'ed me that i was very brave to go out there, when i asked for prayer support for my family. My reply is I am not brave. Its just that there comes a time in everyone's life when each of us have to make a choice about the things we say we believe in - that's a very personal decision. Well, my day had come. Yet right up to the morning itself, i was still jittery. I woke early, couldn't sleep, and sought the Lord for confirmation. I was half-hoping He would keep silent, so I didn't have to go. But He did confirm. So i found myself smack in the midst of a crowd of I-dunno-how-many thousands, marching along with them on July 9, 2011. A day that will forever be etched in my memory....

A day when i saw total strangers of all ages, races and religions gathered under the skies and faced a big red monster truck firing tear gas just becoz the crowd was formidable in size. There were entire families, people from same kampungs, from outstation states, even someone on a wheel-chair. And it was total strangers who went all out to help one another, without any qualms or calls needed. When the tear gas started, and some took shelter in a car park, a man opened up the firehose reel there and sprayed water over everyone to wash away the sting. When people had to run into the bushes surrounding a private hospital, everyone was extending hands to each other to haul and push each other up the slippery slopes. With authorities chasing us all the way into a church compound, somebody opened up the back gate for people to climb over. Someone offered me salt to ease the throat. Another was handing out zip-lock bags, telling me, Aunty, better keep your handfone inside this, if not get wet by the rain, still another old man offered to share his umbrella with me - This is 1M in action, no need words or banners to proclaim it. But what shamed me personally was a non-Christian group who spontaneously started a prayer meeting in the heavy rain. I watched as people just stepped out from their shelters and ran to join them in the open.

Was there violence? Yes - tear gas, water cannons. That was about the only actual violence I saw in my group (I can't say what happened to other groups spread all over, becoz of the blockages which separated us) But well, if you wanna call making lots of noise and chants and singing Negara Ku and shouting Daulat Tuanku several times violence, i guess we were pretty violent. My group didnt have any 'famous faces' to lead, but whoever was shouting instructions we obeyed - so obediently we sat when told to sit on the road, walk when told to walk, regroup when told to regroup. (Of coz, we didnt need to be told when to run), so where's the violence? In fact when someone got a little bit too enthusiastic and started running down to the truck which was parked in front of us on the road , people were shouting at him to come back and not provoke the authorities. Violence?? Quite the opposite, there were some very happy people that day - the mamak stall-operators , McDs and 7-11 stores which dared to stay open - they were doing roaring business; did anyone bother to interview them about loss of income caused by rioters??? Did they get looted???

Was there inconvenience? Of coz. So we can put up with all sorts of traffic jams every 'normal' day of our lives and for this one day we say we are soooo sooo inconvenienced? The funniest thing is when we wanted to disperse, we couldn't! Talk about deliberate inconvenience. By 4 pm, most of us were tired, and all we wanted to do was go home and take a bath after being pelted with tear gas and soaked to the skin by rain . Someone was asking like typical M'sian, where got makan arr? Yet there was still that big red bully truck monster hogging the road, and they were not allowing anyone who looked M'sian thru the barricades. So unless we suddenly grew blond hair and blue eyes, we were stuck. I approached a policeman and asked if i could just walk thru alone. He was very nice and said yes, so hurray, off i trooped only to be stopped 2 mins later further down the road and turned back with a very sarcastic, "you orang buat kecoh, sekarang tahu rasa kecoh lah". Geez, what a sour lemon. So I had to take a very very long and roundabout way back to the LRT station, only to find it closed. Great... now all those who simply wanna call it a day can't get out of KL!! I am still wondering, hey, man, what's the logic? I thot the idea was not to let people gather around in 'illegal' assemblies; yet what do you expect people to do if you stop or hinder the very means that's meant to disperse them? - you get illegal assemblies at the LRT and bus stations some more lah! To be fair though, i have to tabik the police for being fair with all the opposing sides involved.

Was there politics? Of coz. But surely whether we like it or not, politics is politics. And surely concepts like justice and righteousness don't exist in a vacuum. There is supposed to be justice and righteousness in politics, in economics, in social affairs, even in private affairs; in fact they are meant to work in the very fabric of human life, isn't it? So how can we divorce these ideals from the realities of life? And I guess that's what I joined the rally for - to make my stand for ideals which are surely God-ordained for all of humankind. Others may join the rally for different reasons, rightly or wrongly, but that's not my concern.

Was it worth it? Yes. Being there on the spot exposed the falsity of many of my (our) facile assumptions. What has been 'manipulated' into our psyche is the threat of what-could-happen. And i realised, hey, its all hyped-up - The threat turned out as unfounded shadows. As it goes, from the behavior of the crowd, if only they had been allowed to make their 'noises' in a stadium, all the inconveniences could have been so much reduced and better-controlled.

Unfortunately we have been ingrained to fear violence, we assume all strife = violence and violence = bad. Therefore we will not get involved in any strife situation; we will pray for peace. Yet what is peace? As someone puts it Peace is not the absence of strife. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, slept in the midst of a terrible storm - that's peace, even tho strife was all around Him. At the height of it all, when people were running all over, and tear gas was stinging my eyes and throat, and I was wondering what if i get arrested, what if i get trampled in this rush? - I had His Peace. I faced the fear by His grace, and survived it. So did my kids, tho we were never together at all. My eldest was up close and personal to the front-line action, doing her reporter's beat, tweeting real-time reports into her office. My no.2 didn't even want to go with me. Ended up she had to walk all the way from/back to Sentral. (Hey, that's still better than the woman who walked from Mid Valley!)

I got back home, finally after they opened back the LRT at about 5.15pm. None the worse for wear and tear , praise God except for achy achy feet...... Looking back, I think perhaps above all, this experience is for me, a test of how prepared I will be when the day comes when God calls me to give up my life literally (not figuratively) for His cause, would I still balk at being "inconvenienced"??? Would I choose to "be safe" than run risks for His sake?? Ahh, million $ question. I think I am better prepared to answer it after July 9th 2011.


"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it" - Matthew 16:25

Birthing a new baby

1 year - that's how long it took to 'birth' Mutiara, my very first BM book. Its a beautifuul baby; but then everything born of God must be beautiful, yes! I give all the glory to God for surely He is the ultimate Author of this book.
Sure I have always had this 'thing' to write, even as a teenager. I still keep the cut-outs of my poems published in newspapers in those days when i was spouting lovey-dovey heart-wrenching prose of those emotional highs and lows of my teenagehood. Even then i have always had this dream of writing a novel one day that would hit the best seller list... ah, the stuff of romantic dreams of long ago days...what happened? well, i got married, the kids came, and somehow the dream got parked somewhere at the back of the brain-bank, marked "KIV". And then, my husband passed away, and in his will to me, he mentioned i was to write his memoirs; to assist me in this task, he left me tons of cassettes (hallo, in those days, we still used cassette player la) on which he had pre-recorded his thots on life, fatherhood, marriage, me, him... one time, i listened to a recording of the cries of our first baby - my eldest princess. After awhile, i decided it simply hurt too much to listen to all his collection; and so i left them aside to gather dust. I told myself i would get down to executing that part of his will when i retire and have nothing else better to do with my life... and so, the dream of writing got parked again into "KIV".

I guess it would hv remained parked forever in KIV, had it not been a dream born of God. Some 35 years down the line, He resurrected it in a most unusual form. He sent me an Encourager, a human angel i first met at an orang asli conference and then again when she came to preach at our church BM service. She approached me to write a Bahasa devotional for women. I blinked, who me? And then i thot again, why not? After all i have always wanted to write.... and so the dream grew wings.... looking back, i stand amazed at how God began that work in me even before i knew Him...

At the gila-gila age of 12, I took on the name of Christine, like most gila-gila teenagers of my generation; adding an "English" name was considered "kool". Of all the thousands of names I could have chosen, it had to be Christine. No other. 11 years after I called on the name of Jesus, I discovered Christine actually means follower of Christ. And i am reminded of God's Word in Psalm 139:15-16: My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How awesome it is that God had already even then laid claim to me, without me ever knowing it....

People are surprised i can converse and write so well in a language that is not my mother tongue. The funny thing is as a Chinese, i can't speak my own dialects well. ( Praise God i am learning now in my old age, as i sit listening to our Pastors preach in Cantonese every Sun morning in the Chinese service ) The secret of my fluency in Bahasa is even funnier - i fell in love at the tender age of 15, swooning head over heals over my BM tuition teacher, a Muslim. Ah, the throes of unrequited puppy love... he was my inspiration to sweat over Bahasa. I remember how disappointed he and I was when i got a 'mere' C3 in my MCE then. Thank God it was the temporary madness of teenage-hood and the gila cinta phase passed. But the good that came out of that - my skill in the language - stayed stuck in the brain cells. I didn't get to use the skill at all for the next 25 years of my life, but what God has planted stays, like a slowly germinating seed in the heart's soil, waiting for its time to sprout . And at age 50 it bloomed - Mutiara is the resulting flower. So today I can only thank God for His faithfulness, at what He started in me, nurtured and perfected it, true to His Word in Hebrews 12:2 , Jesus Christ is the Author and Finisher of my faith ...

I stand in humility because I can boast nothing that is mine about this book. I remember His Word in 1 Corinthians 1:27-29 that God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. What else can i say? God would choose me from so long ago, when i was weak, foolish and base... and today He is the One worthy of all praise.

The only thing i can boast is mine about Mutiara is the blood, sweat and tears of the birthing process. The easiest part was actually the writing; the ideas came, though i had my moments of doubt as to what i should write that could take the reader through 180 days of meditating on God's precious Word. The hardest part was the most tedious; re-writing after my Encourager-turned-Editor slashed, added and reworded most liberally my very raw first draft. At first it hurt the ego; and i had to remind myself it's her job to edit and mine to obey, becoz it's God's book and it has to be THE best and that's why God sent her to me for that very purpose. But if i thot re-writing was difficult, the most difficult was yet to come - for the first time in my life, i knew what lay-out meant. And again i thank God He already prepared someone to do what I could never do on my own. My dear dear cell mate volunteered to undertake the most frustrating part; attending time after time to details like spelling, spacing, punctuation marks and all that most boring-est stuff that goes behind writing a book... this 'mid-wife' literally tore hair laboring with me and Ed to birth the baby. We even went thru panic attacks when the files 'crashed' towards the end, probably becoz of too many amendments. I was so afraid the 'baby' would abort!

Oh, how we prayed, and prayed and prayed. And God delivered end of the day. So I surrender this labour of my love unto the Lord, that it may bless every reader as He intends it to. To God be all the glory. I am looking forward to bearing more 'babies'. Indeed no. 2 is being conceived even now.... after all, my Master Jesus said,
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last - John 15:6

India 2011

Its been one fantastic trip. As our plane touched down onto KLIA ground,the past week spent travelling in  North India seemed almost surreal to me. This is the furthest north the missions team has gone to. 2 months ago when the call came asking who would be willing to go, in spite of the high expenses, I straight away signed up, recognizing it as the culmination of a vision given to me 9 years ago, that the gospel would be preached from south to north, from east to west of India. Especially as all reports indicated the state was reputedly the 'graveyard' of missionaries and even tho it  had a long history of various religions carried down from its past, I knew God was gonna work His resurrection power over this land and its people. I also sensed a new phase in my own personal walk with Him, for i found myself desperately crying out to die to self that Christ may live in me. So it was with an expectant heart that God was going to do a great work through the team that I went forth. And truly God is faithful to answer desperate prayer.
We flew into India, and then drove 6 hrs into the country side. It was a loooong drive indeed; becoz the road was jammed solid with heavy trucks on both sides. Never will i complain about KL traffic jams again; this jam stretched some 60 km all the way.... we found ourselves bumping along road shoulders and short cuts into dust tracks across fields. It was absolutely back-breaking since there were 9 of us squeezed into a 4WD, together with luggage.
But all the discomfort counted as zero because the ministry was so so wonderfully blessed of God. For 6 days, every day, afternoons and nites we were running 2 public meetings all over the place. We would just set up 'stall' at road junctions, near open areas, (like public schools), under trees.... the local church mobile van carried only portable loudspeakers. All they needed was a guitar to start and as the sound of worship blasted out, people would start gathering around us... The youths were so talented they entertained the crowds with comedy skits. And as the Word of God was shared, people would respond. Especially at the last 3 nite rallies, which were held at the town 'padang' the crowds were huge. It was like a scene out of Jesus' days, they brought in the paralysed, the comatose and laid them out on mats. Hundreds of people would come up at the end of each service for prayer. And wonder of wonders, God worked miracles in their midst as people willingly called out the name of Jesus... many experienced healing just like that, as the power of God came and swept into and through hungry hearts. I was so so privileged to see a lame man arise and walk and a demon-possessed girl just fell by herself and was delivered. Many publicly testified there and then of their healing. I have never seen anything like this in all my 9 years of ministry in India. The anointing was so strong, thanks to a wonderfully talented pastor who traveled from another district some 9 hrs by train to join us as worship leader and translator. I had only 1 prayer every time - that the glory of God would come down... and He answered marvelously each time. His presence was so strong. We knew it was all His ministry, His work; becoz we really didn't even have to lay hands on the people. What a tremendous blessing for me to be there! I felt such a release; just speaking from the heart, no longer tied down to my notes. Truly Holy Spirit was at work, praise God. Before I left, a sister had given me God's word that everywhere I were to go, the land would turn green. Another had mentioned the glory of God coming down. How 'chun' His Word is. Everywhere I went, indeed life sprang forth from dry hard ground; truly this is the day of resurrection from the dead!
Right up till the last day in a  church, when we faced a somewhat hostile crowd who were celebrating the state 'holi' day (where they simply threw colored powder on everyone, much like the Thai water festival), God was with us all the way, granting us His protection, for we were let go unharmed.
We even managed to squeeze in an hour to visit a quaint Baptist church set up by foreign missionaries who laid down their lives in the land of India and William Carey's house, which stands to this day nearby one of the River Ganges' tributary.It was a sobering and humbling moment, reading the dedication/memorial plaques, recognizing the extent some saints of God are prepared to sacrifice their all for the Kingdom. Compared to them, what is the little that I do, coming as/when i can to this land that God has put upon my heart!

As i settle back into the routine of ordinary life back home and recall His faithfulness, how truly signs and wonders are to follow the preaching of His Word, all i can say is AWESOME GOD! To Him be all the glory, honor and praise.
"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not." ... Jeremiah 33:3

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